So many questions...

As I sit in the computer lab as I normally do on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings killing time between biochemistry and principles of teaching and assessment, I find my mind wandering into far off places rather than actually getting work done. Today is particularly different though, I've been in here for 15 minutes and have yet to pull out a book or my jump drive. My mind is in so many different places that I'm finding it hard to fully accomplish an academic task. Amidst everything going on there are so many questions fogging up my mind that it's hard to think.

It occurred to me at Mass last night that I have so much work to do and so many obstacles to face. But am I ready for them? Apparently not because God is pulling me back and will only give me what he thinks I can handle. There are so many times where I'm laying down at night, can sleep because my silly brain won't quiet itself enough to let me dose off that the question pops into my head: "God why do you think I can handle this?" Its probably one that I ask quite a bit because I don't have the confidence in myself that I can get through the valleys of life. I asked it when I was forced to leave youth ministry, when my grandpa got sick and I cared for him, when Ms. B died suddenly, the afternoon that her eulogy was written, when my grandpa died, when I wrote his obituary and planned his memorial Mass, on the days I'd spend with my grandma, when I was again forced to leave something else that I loved dearly, when friends who I thought I needed most suddenly disappear, when I find my heart being hardened because I have yet to find the strength to forgive a certain group of people, I could go on and on and on... but I think you get my drift. Why does He think I'm ready? While writing this the answer has come to me: it's because God has faith in me. Simple I know but so profound. God has given me these obstacles because He knows that I can persevere and that I will be a stronger and more faithful person because of that. He has faith in me, faith in all of us --- how completely amazing is that!

Yet I still find myself clouded with a million questions and random thoughts when I should be focused on the unit plan who's due date is rapidly approaching, or my assessment plan that I'm beginning to fall behind on, or the midterm that I have this week, or biochemistry work, or what classes I'm going to take next semester. I know that this seems pretty dang important since its my education and I will soon be an educator and shouldn't be procrastinating, but it's my nature. Its so me to worry about everyone else before myself. Make sure my brother knows what he's doing with his research paper, make sure sufficient preparation is taking place for certain things, just randomness that I know I shouldn't be so worried about. But oh well...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what the future holds, but you know I need to think about the now and let God handle my future. There is nothing I can do right now to create my future so why worry right? For example, ever since I started in the college of education (after my first semester of college) I have wanted to teach one certain thing at one particular school. That's all I focused on, accomplishing that task and I became so closed minded on everything else that was going on. Upon recent happenings, God has quickly jerked me out of that fantasy and threw me into the chaos of His plan. I wanted to do ABC where God wanted XYZ... Considering this revelation if I can call it that has only happened less than a week ago, I'm still learning and adapting to it. I can honestly say that my eyes have been opened to the hurt that I was experiencing but pushed aside. My wounds are still fresh and quite emotional for me as I still grapple with the fact of just how much of a fantasy world I was living in for the past three years. The pain of realizing just how much I have been used as a doormat, seen as a pushover, and called when I was needed and kicked to the curb when the task was accomplished goes pretty deep.

But you know as these feelings and thoughts rush back to me, God makes me giggle. As I prepared for the beginning of Lent a few weeks ago, I promised God that I would not worry so much about a certain situation (lets call it S) and focus more on Him. Silly God saw that I wasn't upholding that promise, looked at me and said "Ha! She said she wasn't going to worry and stress herself about S..." And His will was done. Of course it isn't easy and won't be for awhile. But I can totally picture God setting me straight and it makes me laugh because I can totally picture sitting up in the heavens laughing at me when I'm on youtube watching The Lion King in slow motion and then on fast forward just because now I actually have the time to do so. Or saying "see I told you so" when I throw my nonsense questions at Him. God as I picture Him in my head has such a great sense of humor and it makes me laugh when I try to fathom what goes through His mind as he watches me here on Earth.

Anywho... I'm really not sure if any of this makes sense, but I have successfully fulfilled my hour to finish between classes. And now I'm off to class!

Love and prayers always and forever!