Last night was hard. I'm really not sure what exactly triggered it but obviously something did. Maybe it was an idle mind in my diversity class were I just started thinking about everything going on, who knows. All I know is that last night all I longed to do was one of two things: either curl up in a ball and stay there for awhile or be with the kids at the tournament.
It hit me last night that this was really forever. It hit me that they were competing and I couldn't be there for them. It hit me that it wasn't just a week off, that I was gone. I almost feel like I made no difference in their lives. I feel like all I did was almost in vain and as soon as I'm gone its like I was never there. I know they have a lot going on and I really didn't expect them to miss me. I really don't know what I expected to happen. Actually, I didn't expect to leave until after this season was over. It hurts to not be able to see them and talk to them. I went from seeing them almost everyday of the week to not seeing them at all. Thats hard for me. In the process I lost someone who I thought I could trust, someone who mom keeps reminding me that she saw that I couldn't trust them long ago. I guess I was nieve to think that after a mere six years that I could trust someone who became like a second mom to me.
Yea, I learned that lesson. I have now come to realize that trust doesn't come with time... trust comes with knowing that a friend is whole heartedly a good person who wants whats best for you. A person who'll call you, even though they knew nothing about what you were feeling in that moment, and make you laugh hysterically (yes, that did just happen as I'm typing this blog). Or a friend that texts you just to say, I love you or have a great day or I'm proud of you. I'm beginning to learn the difference between an aquantience and a true friend who wants what is best for you, who wants you to be the best you can be, who wants you to be happy and have fun with life. I can honestly say that I am so lucky to be able to call my friends my friends. I'm blessed to have friends walk into my life when I feel as though so many aquantiences are walking out.
This morning as I was preparing for school, I opened up a mediation book that I often use in the mornings to help me focus and prepare for the day. This morning's passage was on how we often build a wall around our hearts to protect what is inside from the chaos of the outer world. Even though I told myself long ago that I was going to break down that wall and never let it be build up again, the pain and hurt of being betrayed caused me to rebuild that wall quicker than I had ever imagined. I had been hurt and didn't want to be hurt ever again so my solution was to build a wall surrounding my heart and shield everyone from causing me pain. This morning it hit me that once again I had a thick wall around my heart and was not letting love in or out. I was afraid of being cut open and left to bleed again. I now realize that I have to break down part of that barrier to allow for God's love to enter and mend my broken heart. Not only do I have to open my heart to God, but I have to open it to my friends to help me overcome this darkness and rebuild the life that I left slip away from me in my sadness.
To my friends: I ask you to help me focus on the postives in life becuase there are so many that I am not focusing on right now. I ask that you be patient with me as my heart is still grieving and trying to rebuild. I ask that you continue to support me as you have always been. I can't say often enough how thankful I am to you for supporting me and loving me through these troubles. I do have the best friends on the face of the planet. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
May we all be able to work towards creating an opening in our hearts to let love in and begin to heal.
Love always and forever.
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