My heart hurts.

My heart hurts in knowing that in two short days something that I've worked so hard on and put my everything into will be going into competition and I can't be there. It kills me that I have been there supporting and preparing them all year for this one weekend and I can't be there to give them a hug and leave them with encouraging words as they go off into their rounds. I feel as though I'm being forced to abandon them and something that I love so much. I hope that they know that I'll be there supporting them through it all in spirit. For the older ones it saddens me that I can't be their support system as they prepare to go into what may be one of their last rounds of competition. I can't be there to say those little things that I'm known to say, like "be appropriate". I know that those who know the circumstances that I have been forced into understand and know that I'll always love and support them like I always have. I've truly been thrown into a situation that I have no control over. There is supposed to be a meeting next week but I'm not really sure if it's even worth the battle. Part of me wants to know why but part of me doesn't want to be thrown back into the emotional whirlwind that I was in last week. I think I need to deserve to know why I continue to be thrown under the bus and why I'm always the one blamed when someone else is doing something "against policy" and heads are turned and eyes and ears are closed to whats going on. If this meeting does happen that is something that I will bring up. There is nothing that I can do to control the situation better than I am right now. All I can say is that I've learned who I can trust and who I can't. I think I've taken this situation and handled is as professionally as possible. I just hope my true character is able to withstand the pressure of them attempting to deform it with their lies and false accusations to make me look bad. I don't understand why I'm always the one taken advantage of and the one that always gets hurt. I feel like this was and will always be my heart. And when I love something I put my heart, soul, and energy into it. I made so many sacrifices to better those kids and what they loved and get them to have the same experience I was given in school. I just hope that going into this weekend I want them all to not give up and give it their all. I know that there are only a few that know what happened and the rest just see that I'm not around and were just told that the "drama has been taken care of". I never knew how much it meant to me until I was forced to abandon it.