On recent happenings...

I've been telling myself for quite awhile that I needed to start updating this thing frequently again to deal with things and just get thoughts out of my head. I feel like now is the perfect opportunity to accomplish that task.

I'm in the midst of so much, that it gets to be so overwhelming at times. I'm worried about being strong for myself and my friends. I'm worried about being the person God wants me to be.I'm worried about my future. I'm worried about life in general. The combonation of these happenings as well as the personal drama that has been stirring in my life has caused me to loose hope in my self and all those around me.

I can truely say that I lost myself in all of the chaos. In loosing my self: I lost my faith, my friends, my joy, my hope, and my love. Yes, I was still going to Church and leaving with a smile on my face... but something was missing. Something that I couldn't place my finger on. I've had friends (both new and old) who have stepped in just to lend an ear and shoulder to cry on but it just seemed like they didn't fully get it or didn't really care. It is not until now that I realize that it wasn't them, it was/is me. I wasn't fully opening up to them and relying on them in everything that was/is going on. It was m that was the problem not them. It was me who didn't realize how amazing and supportive they have all been through this journey. They have been there when I couldn't speak I was crying so hard, and I just pushed them aside. To all who I have been alongside me through this journey, I thank you. I thank you for putting up with my tears and depression. I thank you for encouraging me along the way although I was too blind to see it. I thank you for being my strength when I couldn't be strong for myself. And finally, I thank you for being you and loving me through it all.

Lately I've been rethinking the many different facets of my life. Now that I'm no longer coaching, I've had time to think and reassess. Of course its been a long and trying journey with the team but God no longer had a reason for me to be there so He did what he had to. And yes for awhile after that happened I was upset and angry... no wait I still am. I've had to take things hour by hour and day by day just to persevere. I'll openly admit, it's not easy whatsoever and I know it won't be. It's my cross to bear so to say and I know God wouldn't have thrown it at me if I couldn't handle it. With that, I went through a phase where I wasn't too sure if education was still my calling, fortunately my faith has been renewed in my calling to be a teacher and so I will continue along that journey.

Yesterday was one of the best days in a long time. My saddness and worry had taken over my life in the previous weeks and I had trouble finding the happiness in life. Yesterday changed all that. Thursday afternoon, I got a text from a friend asking me to go to ayf. After some convincing I said I would go. Then I questioned myself: with everything going on in my life, could I really go and abandon myself to God and be around Him and people on fire for Him all day? What was God thinking? I was kinda mad at Him for throwing me a curve ball the second I thought things were going to be okay. But it was an opportunity, an opportunity to get away for the day and possibly make things right with Him again. Saying yes was probably the best decision of my life. The begining part of the day was just normal ayf-esque. I had been three times before and the morning/early afternoon sessions were just like previous years. It wasn't until Mass that things changed for me. I prayed like normal before Mass. During the Mass, I told God: "Ok... you called me here for a reason. Help my heart to be opened and accepting towards everything you want me to hear. Give me the strength and courage to move on and accept Your will for me." During communion He truely did just that, He prepared my heart for what He had instore. Fast forward to adoration later that night. Let me just say I love that we have the ability as Catholics for adoration. Completely surrendering everything to Jesus as He walks through the crowd and is placed on the altar for us to physically pray to. To me adoration is the "seeing what we believe" part of the faith. Anyway... adoration was almost ending (I'm really not sure why it was so short) and I remember telling God: "okay so its almost over and I feel no different than earlier... whats going on. I can't do this anymore, I need you're help." It was at that moment when I lost it. I heard Him say: "Michelle, I'm here. I've always been here. Give me your pain and sorrow. I know you want answers now, but you are not yet prepared for what I have instore for you. Find your strength in me and be patient. It will come when you are ready." So I immediately broke down, it was such a simple answer that I needed to hear although I didn't want to. It gave me the peace and serinity that I needed. I just didn't want to leave that place, the place of fully surrendering to Him and listening to what He wanted me to hear. It renewed my faith, my hope, my love, my spirit, and my joy. For that I am so grateful. I'm so blessed to have such amazing friends who have walked into my life at the perfect time, including a few yesterday.

So where do I go from here? I'm continuing to take things one step at a time and not over analyze things. I am striving to be as God wants me to be. I pray that I may see my friends for each and every amazing blessing they are to me. I pray that I may continue to hear God's voice as I grow closer to Him. I pray that I am willing and able to surrender my everything to Him and His plan for me. I pray that I'm able to lay my burdens at His feet, knowing that I can't do it on my own. I pray in thanksgiving for yesterday and all that has been revealed to me. I pray that I may be as much as a blessing to you as you have been to me.

Love and prayers, now and forever.