My struggle.

Last night was odd for me and the difficulty crossed over into today and I'm looking for insight.

This has been a struggle for me that I have recognized recently and been well for lack of a better term struggling with. Part of my lenten pennance is to attend Mass more than just on Sundays. I'll admit that last week was hard for me and I procrastinated until Friday to make my weekday mass committment because of everything that has been going on. That's besides the point. I've always known that Wisdom had something really special for me about it. It didn't take long for me to realize that. There is something about the Mass there that makes it indescribable.

Anyway, as I have been going to weekday Mass at there recently it has become a bigger part of my life. Attending Sunday Mass at my home parish just isn't home anymore. That feeling began a few weeks ago and has progressively gotten worse in the past two Sundays or so.

And of course with struggle comes questions:
-- Is it wrong for me to feel like a huge difference?
-- Why do I feel absolutely nothing during Sunday Mass at my "home parish"?
-- Why can I not concentrate like I can during weekday Mass?
-- Should there really be a difference, God is God and shouldn't it be the same experience?
-- What's wrong with me that I feel different?

Like there is a huge difference in my Sunday mass and my weekday masses and I think its the Church and the atmosphere.

For example: last night I went to Mass like usual. Walking into Church there were these signs posted around Church that said "John 3:16" there must have been like 20 or 30 posted all over church: on the pews, on the wall, on the lectern, on the kneelers for the readers, on the chrism cabinent, on the holy water pool, etc. It was so distracting to me. I had trouble concentrating the whole Mass. All I remember about the homily is: the priest saying, "I wanted you to feel like you were in a sporting event... at every sporting event you will find one sign from an evangelist that reads John 3:16." It was at that point where I completely tuned him out and went into my own little world. Not a world of prayer, just my strange thoughts that race through my mind. I was only pulled out of my daydream when the congregation was repeating John 3:16 phrase by phrase after the priest. What had I missed and when did this become memorize bible verse time so you can regergitate (for lack of a better term) it when people question your faith. Honestly, tell me how simply stating "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son..." The Catholic faith is so much more than that. We have such a beautiful faith that can not be described in that one verse. It was hard for me to focus on prayer during the concecration and after communion. All I could think about was leaving. On the other hand, I went to Mass today and it was a completely different experience. Yes, I drifted off into my own thoughts during the homily but they were prayerful thoughts that laid my concerns and fears out before God. They were questions as to why I was going through this crazyness of being torn between the whys of the whole situation. Apparently as Mass concluded God was not ready for me to understand why.

But a conversation that I had last night with a really good friend of mine kept popping into my head. I was talking to her about how I was feeling and that kinda thing and she revealed to me something that could really be behind it all. She simply said "Thats the same battle that I went through. And maybe its beacuse there has been a *hurt* from mrs. eva and youth group that when you are there is still in your sprit even if you dont know it." And that got me thinking... She was so right. I never really accepted the whole youth group stuff that went down and my heart was/is still bitter. But maybe it goes deeper. Maybe it is the hurt of constantly being rejected by the majority of youth group people. Maybe it was the feelings of never being good enough for them. Maybe it was the knowing the when I had a problem I couldn't confide in the youth minister or priest because the reaction would simply be, "you ought to seek professional help". Maybe its the youth minister ruining my reputation at Church. Maybe it was being promised a CCD class but then again being backstabbed and rejected by the staff and having that opportunity ripped right out of my hands. Maybe just maybe all of the above is part of the reason why this is my struggle.

The true reason is something that I'll have to wait for. But I'm wondering if you have had this sort of experience in any context and how you handled it?

Love and prayers, now and always.