A few things that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

Throughout my current journey with work and such, there have been so many people that have made it a point to tell me: "you know, why do you even care?" or "it doesn't even matter, why are you making such a big deal about it" or "forget them and move on" or "just let it go" or "get over it". Tonight was something different though, a friend said, "it's perfectly okay for you to feel the way you do. I couldn't imagine what it meant to you". It was just a breath of support in a world that seems to look down upon my feelings. I know this sounds really weird but I truly feel like I'm grieving my job. It wasn't ever a job: I was never paid and it was fun for me. "Work" became my life, the people became my family and closest friends. I was always with them either through preperation or competition. It was and is quite hard for me to "move on". The whole situation consumes my thoughts and mind pretty much all the time. I can't look at the pictures or even the shirt hanging in my closet without wanting to cry.

Part of me continues to feel horrible because I am so flippin angry about the whole situation. You'd think two weeks after it happened my anger would start to disipate, yea right. Like it happened via email, that irks me. Then I still have no idea what I did, which yea. I have a feeling that there has been false information spread but I'm not sure.. anyway. There are just so many unanswered questions for me. There are certain people that when I see them every muscle in my body immediately gets tense and I hate that. I hate having anger in my heart. I just long for things to be normal and that feeling of anger to disipate.

A little while ago I was listening to the radio and they were talking about how we are becoming more and more dependent on the almost instant communication factor when using texting and email. They were talking about how we have to wait for God's now, not our now. They were talking about how God's now is when he wants it to be not when we want it to be. That's one of my struggles right now, waiting for God's now and being patient during that wait rather than fustrated.

I'm falling asleep while I type this so I'm going to attempt to get some rest.

Love always.