I never thought that something could break me so much, I thought I was stronger than the petty drama and crazy people that were intertwined with my job. I know it seems like this is all I talk about lately and really it is because it's something that was ingrained in my life for six years and all of a sudden it's gone. It's something that I cared about and loved with all my heart and now I can't do it anymore. But honestly, I would take all this pain all over again for some of the kids. Some of them have become more than just my kids, they are my friends. And my friends are the ones that have kept me going through all of this.
Yesterday morning, I was sitting outside enjoying the day and doing some last minute cramming before my assessment test. It was such a beautiful day, but I couldn't seem to concentrate on my studies nor how gorgeous the weather was... I was in my own little world thinking about the my kids and what I couldn't do anymore. It was in this instant when the serinity prayer popped into my head: "God grant me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". It's a prayer that I've heard many times but it never made sense to me. There was nothing I could ever relate to it, so I never really prayed it until now.
I now realize that there are situations that I can not change, but better yet there are ones that I can. I cannot change the fact that I'm no longer coaching. I cannot change the fact that I miss my kids tremendously. I cannot change the fact that I'd give anything to still be with them. BUT... I can change how I feel about it. I can change the impact that this has on my life into a positive one. I can change how I handle what has been placed before me. I can live my life hoping that I've made a difference in the six years that I was there.
And now as I try to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, accept what I can't change, but be courageous enough to change those I am able to I ask for your prayers. This journey by no means will be easy or full of joy. It will be one of peaks and vallies, one of sunshine and thunderstorms, and happiness and sorrow. Change is not something that I handle well, so I pray that this may be a semi-smooth transition and that God's will may be done.
Love and prayers, now & always!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
A few things that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.
Throughout my current journey with work and such, there have been so many people that have made it a point to tell me: "you know, why do you even care?" or "it doesn't even matter, why are you making such a big deal about it" or "forget them and move on" or "just let it go" or "get over it". Tonight was something different though, a friend said, "it's perfectly okay for you to feel the way you do. I couldn't imagine what it meant to you". It was just a breath of support in a world that seems to look down upon my feelings. I know this sounds really weird but I truly feel like I'm grieving my job. It wasn't ever a job: I was never paid and it was fun for me. "Work" became my life, the people became my family and closest friends. I was always with them either through preperation or competition. It was and is quite hard for me to "move on". The whole situation consumes my thoughts and mind pretty much all the time. I can't look at the pictures or even the shirt hanging in my closet without wanting to cry.
Part of me continues to feel horrible because I am so flippin angry about the whole situation. You'd think two weeks after it happened my anger would start to disipate, yea right. Like it happened via email, that irks me. Then I still have no idea what I did, which yea. I have a feeling that there has been false information spread but I'm not sure.. anyway. There are just so many unanswered questions for me. There are certain people that when I see them every muscle in my body immediately gets tense and I hate that. I hate having anger in my heart. I just long for things to be normal and that feeling of anger to disipate.
A little while ago I was listening to the radio and they were talking about how we are becoming more and more dependent on the almost instant communication factor when using texting and email. They were talking about how we have to wait for God's now, not our now. They were talking about how God's now is when he wants it to be not when we want it to be. That's one of my struggles right now, waiting for God's now and being patient during that wait rather than fustrated.
I'm falling asleep while I type this so I'm going to attempt to get some rest.
Love always.
Part of me continues to feel horrible because I am so flippin angry about the whole situation. You'd think two weeks after it happened my anger would start to disipate, yea right. Like it happened via email, that irks me. Then I still have no idea what I did, which yea. I have a feeling that there has been false information spread but I'm not sure.. anyway. There are just so many unanswered questions for me. There are certain people that when I see them every muscle in my body immediately gets tense and I hate that. I hate having anger in my heart. I just long for things to be normal and that feeling of anger to disipate.
A little while ago I was listening to the radio and they were talking about how we are becoming more and more dependent on the almost instant communication factor when using texting and email. They were talking about how we have to wait for God's now, not our now. They were talking about how God's now is when he wants it to be not when we want it to be. That's one of my struggles right now, waiting for God's now and being patient during that wait rather than fustrated.
I'm falling asleep while I type this so I'm going to attempt to get some rest.
Love always.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I couldn't be more thankful...
Yesterday was a rough one for me but I had some amazing people who helped me get through it. It seems as though some of the most amazing people walk into my life when I needed them most. I had multiple encounters with people like these yesterday, but these are a few that spoke to my heart and I am so thankful.
Encounter 1: A new friend made me realise how proactive I could be in a stiuation where I felt completely helpless. She simply said: its perfectly okay to want to be there for them and take away their hurt but there is something you can do... you can lift your worries for them up in prayer. It was something so simple yet profound. In my worry and concern for them, I had completely forgot about the power of prayer. She brought me back to being proactive when all I wanted to do was focus on the negativity of the situation. I thank you so much for always having the perfect words that speak to my heart.
Encounter 2: We were both having really bad days yesterday, but somehow there was a comfort in knowing that someone understood and had many of the same feelings. She was able to make me laugh when I didn't think it was possible. She listened and allowed me to vent, that was exactly what I needed at the moment. She is always there and I know I can count on her to always listen and make me laugh. Thank you for all you have done and continue to do for me.
Encounter 3: This one takes me back to Friday... he called just to talk and vent and ended up making me laugh hysterically about talking tapioca balls and a lost cell phone that he was actually talking to me on at the time he lost it. He was so instrumental in getting me through the weekend although he probably doesn't even know it. His calls, texts, and messages allowed me to vent and then look on the brighter side. Last night we were talking about some things and feelings that were going through my head and he simply said "just know that you can always count on me". Those nine little words meant so much to me at a moment where I had just been hurt by something else. He has been so patient with me and my emotional craziness. I thank you for always being there even when I push you away. Thank you for being the strong and caring person you are.
I love yall so so so much!
Encounter 1: A new friend made me realise how proactive I could be in a stiuation where I felt completely helpless. She simply said: its perfectly okay to want to be there for them and take away their hurt but there is something you can do... you can lift your worries for them up in prayer. It was something so simple yet profound. In my worry and concern for them, I had completely forgot about the power of prayer. She brought me back to being proactive when all I wanted to do was focus on the negativity of the situation. I thank you so much for always having the perfect words that speak to my heart.
Encounter 2: We were both having really bad days yesterday, but somehow there was a comfort in knowing that someone understood and had many of the same feelings. She was able to make me laugh when I didn't think it was possible. She listened and allowed me to vent, that was exactly what I needed at the moment. She is always there and I know I can count on her to always listen and make me laugh. Thank you for all you have done and continue to do for me.
Encounter 3: This one takes me back to Friday... he called just to talk and vent and ended up making me laugh hysterically about talking tapioca balls and a lost cell phone that he was actually talking to me on at the time he lost it. He was so instrumental in getting me through the weekend although he probably doesn't even know it. His calls, texts, and messages allowed me to vent and then look on the brighter side. Last night we were talking about some things and feelings that were going through my head and he simply said "just know that you can always count on me". Those nine little words meant so much to me at a moment where I had just been hurt by something else. He has been so patient with me and my emotional craziness. I thank you for always being there even when I push you away. Thank you for being the strong and caring person you are.
I love yall so so so much!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Numb...
I'm not really sure what to think right now. My heart hurts to the point where I'm not really sure whats happening. Last night I cried more than I ever though was possible. It killed me knowing that I couldn't be there for my friends who were hurting. They know the circumstances that I'm in and completely understand. Its just that I wish I could do so much more than I'm able to. The situation wasn't really helped this morning when my mom said: "be prepared, you know you're going to get the blame if they loose". That killed me. I already feel bad that I couldn't be there to help them prepare and support them through this crazy weekend. Now in the back of my head is the feeling and thoughts that I'm responsible. I already feel bad enough that they had to put up with what they have had to this year now there is more guilt placed on my shoulders. I'm really not sure what to think and feel. I know that they'll get through it, they're strong enough and can persevere... I know that I'll be able to as well, it will just take a little time!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Creating a door in the wall around my heart.
Last night was hard. I'm really not sure what exactly triggered it but obviously something did. Maybe it was an idle mind in my diversity class were I just started thinking about everything going on, who knows. All I know is that last night all I longed to do was one of two things: either curl up in a ball and stay there for awhile or be with the kids at the tournament.
It hit me last night that this was really forever. It hit me that they were competing and I couldn't be there for them. It hit me that it wasn't just a week off, that I was gone. I almost feel like I made no difference in their lives. I feel like all I did was almost in vain and as soon as I'm gone its like I was never there. I know they have a lot going on and I really didn't expect them to miss me. I really don't know what I expected to happen. Actually, I didn't expect to leave until after this season was over. It hurts to not be able to see them and talk to them. I went from seeing them almost everyday of the week to not seeing them at all. Thats hard for me. In the process I lost someone who I thought I could trust, someone who mom keeps reminding me that she saw that I couldn't trust them long ago. I guess I was nieve to think that after a mere six years that I could trust someone who became like a second mom to me.
Yea, I learned that lesson. I have now come to realize that trust doesn't come with time... trust comes with knowing that a friend is whole heartedly a good person who wants whats best for you. A person who'll call you, even though they knew nothing about what you were feeling in that moment, and make you laugh hysterically (yes, that did just happen as I'm typing this blog). Or a friend that texts you just to say, I love you or have a great day or I'm proud of you. I'm beginning to learn the difference between an aquantience and a true friend who wants what is best for you, who wants you to be the best you can be, who wants you to be happy and have fun with life. I can honestly say that I am so lucky to be able to call my friends my friends. I'm blessed to have friends walk into my life when I feel as though so many aquantiences are walking out.
This morning as I was preparing for school, I opened up a mediation book that I often use in the mornings to help me focus and prepare for the day. This morning's passage was on how we often build a wall around our hearts to protect what is inside from the chaos of the outer world. Even though I told myself long ago that I was going to break down that wall and never let it be build up again, the pain and hurt of being betrayed caused me to rebuild that wall quicker than I had ever imagined. I had been hurt and didn't want to be hurt ever again so my solution was to build a wall surrounding my heart and shield everyone from causing me pain. This morning it hit me that once again I had a thick wall around my heart and was not letting love in or out. I was afraid of being cut open and left to bleed again. I now realize that I have to break down part of that barrier to allow for God's love to enter and mend my broken heart. Not only do I have to open my heart to God, but I have to open it to my friends to help me overcome this darkness and rebuild the life that I left slip away from me in my sadness.
To my friends: I ask you to help me focus on the postives in life becuase there are so many that I am not focusing on right now. I ask that you be patient with me as my heart is still grieving and trying to rebuild. I ask that you continue to support me as you have always been. I can't say often enough how thankful I am to you for supporting me and loving me through these troubles. I do have the best friends on the face of the planet. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
May we all be able to work towards creating an opening in our hearts to let love in and begin to heal.
Love always and forever.
It hit me last night that this was really forever. It hit me that they were competing and I couldn't be there for them. It hit me that it wasn't just a week off, that I was gone. I almost feel like I made no difference in their lives. I feel like all I did was almost in vain and as soon as I'm gone its like I was never there. I know they have a lot going on and I really didn't expect them to miss me. I really don't know what I expected to happen. Actually, I didn't expect to leave until after this season was over. It hurts to not be able to see them and talk to them. I went from seeing them almost everyday of the week to not seeing them at all. Thats hard for me. In the process I lost someone who I thought I could trust, someone who mom keeps reminding me that she saw that I couldn't trust them long ago. I guess I was nieve to think that after a mere six years that I could trust someone who became like a second mom to me.
Yea, I learned that lesson. I have now come to realize that trust doesn't come with time... trust comes with knowing that a friend is whole heartedly a good person who wants whats best for you. A person who'll call you, even though they knew nothing about what you were feeling in that moment, and make you laugh hysterically (yes, that did just happen as I'm typing this blog). Or a friend that texts you just to say, I love you or have a great day or I'm proud of you. I'm beginning to learn the difference between an aquantience and a true friend who wants what is best for you, who wants you to be the best you can be, who wants you to be happy and have fun with life. I can honestly say that I am so lucky to be able to call my friends my friends. I'm blessed to have friends walk into my life when I feel as though so many aquantiences are walking out.
This morning as I was preparing for school, I opened up a mediation book that I often use in the mornings to help me focus and prepare for the day. This morning's passage was on how we often build a wall around our hearts to protect what is inside from the chaos of the outer world. Even though I told myself long ago that I was going to break down that wall and never let it be build up again, the pain and hurt of being betrayed caused me to rebuild that wall quicker than I had ever imagined. I had been hurt and didn't want to be hurt ever again so my solution was to build a wall surrounding my heart and shield everyone from causing me pain. This morning it hit me that once again I had a thick wall around my heart and was not letting love in or out. I was afraid of being cut open and left to bleed again. I now realize that I have to break down part of that barrier to allow for God's love to enter and mend my broken heart. Not only do I have to open my heart to God, but I have to open it to my friends to help me overcome this darkness and rebuild the life that I left slip away from me in my sadness.
To my friends: I ask you to help me focus on the postives in life becuase there are so many that I am not focusing on right now. I ask that you be patient with me as my heart is still grieving and trying to rebuild. I ask that you continue to support me as you have always been. I can't say often enough how thankful I am to you for supporting me and loving me through these troubles. I do have the best friends on the face of the planet. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
May we all be able to work towards creating an opening in our hearts to let love in and begin to heal.
Love always and forever.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
And then it hit me...
Something as simple as a phone call, email, text, or i/m from a friend that changes everything.
Tonight a really good friend was like "you have to listen to this song" so I pulled it up on youtube, listened to the song and just kept listening to other songs by them. The band is Tenth Avenue North and I had previously fallen in love with their song, "By Your Side" well now I can say I'm addicted to most of their songs. They are just so real and the lyrics are basically the definition of my life recently. So I'm listening to that and it got me thinking about the past few months...
Since January I can say my life has changed so much. It's scary sometimes to think about just how much I have changed.
-- My friends. Yall are one major part of my life that has changed. I have made some amazing new friends that I have no clue where I'd be without them! Old friends have stepped back into my life and I couldn't be more thankful. It is my friends who have gotten me through the tough times and made me laugh when the world felt like it was crashing down on me. I don't think I could ever repay each one of you for what you have done for me and how you have helped mold me into what I am today and who I will continue to grow into.
-- My career. No, I didn't change my major, but I have a more open mind about my career. A few weeks ago all I wanted to do was teach and coach and one particular school because it meant so much to me. Now that couldn't be further from my perspective. I am ready and willing to do whatever is necessary to teach at a school where I am appreciated and I love my job, no matter where it is. I'm ready to start my one program and create my own legacy.
-- My personality. I have become a much stronger person. I have learned so much about myself and trusting others in my journey. I have realized how much I was being taken advantage of and it was about time! I now know where I need to be and am striving to reach that goal. I am still caring and loving just as much if not more now. I have truely grown to appreciate who I am and what I have become. I am still working on toughining up and not being so much of a push over. I'm tired of just taking shit from people and conforming to what they want me to be rather than being myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm living under a microscope where everything I do is being critiqued and I'm getting in trouble for things that I didn't even do and things I didn't even say. That kinda sums up my feelings about coaching. By being a little over a week out of the situation and still not knowing what I did wrong is still really puzzling to me. All I was told last week was that I had to wait two weeks and then we would have a meeting. Now I'm not really sure if I even want to go to this meeting. I was talking to an old friend toinght and he was telling me how sorry he was about the whole situation and you know I'm totally over feeling sorry for myself. I had my little bout with depression but am done now and trying to move on. Of course it will be hard because those kids are my heart and I have become such good friends with some of them. But our friendships won't change, in fact they'll probably end up getting stronger. Of course my heart will be hurting a lot this weekend knowing that they are going to the state tournament tomorrow, Friday and Saturday and knowing that I can't be there to support them. They know though the circumtances I've been placed in and that by no means does that mean I'm not supporting them every step of them way. I've spent too much time with them just to not worry about them this weekend. Things have occured that break my heart and anger me because I see things happening and me getting in trouble for them but others doing so much worse and it just being overlooked. But I suppose life is unfair and there is nothing I can do to change it right now.
Well, the rainy weather is begining to put me to sleep so I'm heading out.
Love always and forever!
Tonight a really good friend was like "you have to listen to this song" so I pulled it up on youtube, listened to the song and just kept listening to other songs by them. The band is Tenth Avenue North and I had previously fallen in love with their song, "By Your Side" well now I can say I'm addicted to most of their songs. They are just so real and the lyrics are basically the definition of my life recently. So I'm listening to that and it got me thinking about the past few months...
Since January I can say my life has changed so much. It's scary sometimes to think about just how much I have changed.
-- My friends. Yall are one major part of my life that has changed. I have made some amazing new friends that I have no clue where I'd be without them! Old friends have stepped back into my life and I couldn't be more thankful. It is my friends who have gotten me through the tough times and made me laugh when the world felt like it was crashing down on me. I don't think I could ever repay each one of you for what you have done for me and how you have helped mold me into what I am today and who I will continue to grow into.
-- My career. No, I didn't change my major, but I have a more open mind about my career. A few weeks ago all I wanted to do was teach and coach and one particular school because it meant so much to me. Now that couldn't be further from my perspective. I am ready and willing to do whatever is necessary to teach at a school where I am appreciated and I love my job, no matter where it is. I'm ready to start my one program and create my own legacy.
-- My personality. I have become a much stronger person. I have learned so much about myself and trusting others in my journey. I have realized how much I was being taken advantage of and it was about time! I now know where I need to be and am striving to reach that goal. I am still caring and loving just as much if not more now. I have truely grown to appreciate who I am and what I have become. I am still working on toughining up and not being so much of a push over. I'm tired of just taking shit from people and conforming to what they want me to be rather than being myself.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm living under a microscope where everything I do is being critiqued and I'm getting in trouble for things that I didn't even do and things I didn't even say. That kinda sums up my feelings about coaching. By being a little over a week out of the situation and still not knowing what I did wrong is still really puzzling to me. All I was told last week was that I had to wait two weeks and then we would have a meeting. Now I'm not really sure if I even want to go to this meeting. I was talking to an old friend toinght and he was telling me how sorry he was about the whole situation and you know I'm totally over feeling sorry for myself. I had my little bout with depression but am done now and trying to move on. Of course it will be hard because those kids are my heart and I have become such good friends with some of them. But our friendships won't change, in fact they'll probably end up getting stronger. Of course my heart will be hurting a lot this weekend knowing that they are going to the state tournament tomorrow, Friday and Saturday and knowing that I can't be there to support them. They know though the circumtances I've been placed in and that by no means does that mean I'm not supporting them every step of them way. I've spent too much time with them just to not worry about them this weekend. Things have occured that break my heart and anger me because I see things happening and me getting in trouble for them but others doing so much worse and it just being overlooked. But I suppose life is unfair and there is nothing I can do to change it right now.
Well, the rainy weather is begining to put me to sleep so I'm heading out.
Love always and forever!
Teachers make the worst students...
Isn't that so true!
I can certainly attest to the fact that since beginning college I have become one of the worst students ever. Hahaha, I know me right? Sure I go to class, I have only missed one class so far this semester... but do I do anything in class? That answer is straight up no, well except for biochemistry of course!
This is my schedule breakdown and what I do in each class:
1.) Biochemistry - I actually take notes but never study until the day of the exam
2.) Principles of Assessment - I either color, do work for another class, text, daydream, or some combination of those.
3.) Analytical Chemistry Lab - I have to actually do the labs but text in the process
4.) Classroom Management - I text all class or draw pictures on my powerpoint notes or make lists
5.) Diversity - I love this class, but while semi paying attention to what's going on I text, a lot.
Now, although this lack of paying attention in class and studying only on the day of my midterms has stretched throughout my college career... my lack of motivation and increased procrastination has gotten pretty out of hand.
For example, I have a midterm tonight in my management class. Have i started studying? No, but I have reread chapters and highlighted important things! Am I worried about the test? Of course I am, I just can't seem to motivate myself to get the studying done. Another example from that class. I looked at the calendar today while not paying attention in biochemistry and realized that I have a unit plan due in two weeks that is supposed to take some 40ish hours of out of class work. Have I started it? Well kinda, I have one lesson plan finished and the second of seven started. I just can't seem to motivate myself to get my butt in gear and finish the darn project. Luckily, I have combined that project with one that I have to do for my assessment class so once I finish one, I'll just have to tweak it for the other. Now, its really not as bad as it seems because I have all my lesson plans figured out with what I want to teach on what days and what activities will be tied in with those lectures but I just haven't typed it all into a pretty lesson plan and powerpoint with teacher notes.
Being the perfectionist that I am, knowing that I have all this stuff due in the coming weeks and none of it is formally started on scares me to death because I know before I turn it in, it will have to be perfect or else I'll get really mad at myself.
Now my questioning self, wonders if this is the result of all kinds of stuff happening outside of school this semester. Does it have something to do with where I used to work, the situations that I had to deal with, etc.? I know for a fact that I am procrastinating on my observation hours because I don't want to step foot on that campus much less observe the people who backstabbed me which I have to do because of the way that class works. Possibly but that really isn't an excuse now because I am out of those situations and need to refocus on getting my stuff done.
So my plan for the rest of the day is as follows:
1.) Go to assessment and study for my management midterm.
2.) Mass
3.) Go to McLaurin and make sure they register me for my two theatre classes I have to take next semester
4.) Go home and eat lunch.
5.) Study for my midterm.
6.) Take a break and write a lesson plan.
7.) Study some more
8.) Go back to school for my midterm at 5.
Hopefully I can stick to it and not get distracted by other randomness! Wish me luck!
I can certainly attest to the fact that since beginning college I have become one of the worst students ever. Hahaha, I know me right? Sure I go to class, I have only missed one class so far this semester... but do I do anything in class? That answer is straight up no, well except for biochemistry of course!
This is my schedule breakdown and what I do in each class:
1.) Biochemistry - I actually take notes but never study until the day of the exam
2.) Principles of Assessment - I either color, do work for another class, text, daydream, or some combination of those.
3.) Analytical Chemistry Lab - I have to actually do the labs but text in the process
4.) Classroom Management - I text all class or draw pictures on my powerpoint notes or make lists
5.) Diversity - I love this class, but while semi paying attention to what's going on I text, a lot.
Now, although this lack of paying attention in class and studying only on the day of my midterms has stretched throughout my college career... my lack of motivation and increased procrastination has gotten pretty out of hand.
For example, I have a midterm tonight in my management class. Have i started studying? No, but I have reread chapters and highlighted important things! Am I worried about the test? Of course I am, I just can't seem to motivate myself to get the studying done. Another example from that class. I looked at the calendar today while not paying attention in biochemistry and realized that I have a unit plan due in two weeks that is supposed to take some 40ish hours of out of class work. Have I started it? Well kinda, I have one lesson plan finished and the second of seven started. I just can't seem to motivate myself to get my butt in gear and finish the darn project. Luckily, I have combined that project with one that I have to do for my assessment class so once I finish one, I'll just have to tweak it for the other. Now, its really not as bad as it seems because I have all my lesson plans figured out with what I want to teach on what days and what activities will be tied in with those lectures but I just haven't typed it all into a pretty lesson plan and powerpoint with teacher notes.
Being the perfectionist that I am, knowing that I have all this stuff due in the coming weeks and none of it is formally started on scares me to death because I know before I turn it in, it will have to be perfect or else I'll get really mad at myself.
Now my questioning self, wonders if this is the result of all kinds of stuff happening outside of school this semester. Does it have something to do with where I used to work, the situations that I had to deal with, etc.? I know for a fact that I am procrastinating on my observation hours because I don't want to step foot on that campus much less observe the people who backstabbed me which I have to do because of the way that class works. Possibly but that really isn't an excuse now because I am out of those situations and need to refocus on getting my stuff done.
So my plan for the rest of the day is as follows:
1.) Go to assessment and study for my management midterm.
2.) Mass
3.) Go to McLaurin and make sure they register me for my two theatre classes I have to take next semester
4.) Go home and eat lunch.
5.) Study for my midterm.
6.) Take a break and write a lesson plan.
7.) Study some more
8.) Go back to school for my midterm at 5.
Hopefully I can stick to it and not get distracted by other randomness! Wish me luck!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
My heart hurts.
My heart hurts in knowing that in two short days something that I've worked so hard on and put my everything into will be going into competition and I can't be there. It kills me that I have been there supporting and preparing them all year for this one weekend and I can't be there to give them a hug and leave them with encouraging words as they go off into their rounds. I feel as though I'm being forced to abandon them and something that I love so much. I hope that they know that I'll be there supporting them through it all in spirit. For the older ones it saddens me that I can't be their support system as they prepare to go into what may be one of their last rounds of competition. I can't be there to say those little things that I'm known to say, like "be appropriate". I know that those who know the circumstances that I have been forced into understand and know that I'll always love and support them like I always have. I've truly been thrown into a situation that I have no control over. There is supposed to be a meeting next week but I'm not really sure if it's even worth the battle. Part of me wants to know why but part of me doesn't want to be thrown back into the emotional whirlwind that I was in last week. I think I need to deserve to know why I continue to be thrown under the bus and why I'm always the one blamed when someone else is doing something "against policy" and heads are turned and eyes and ears are closed to whats going on. If this meeting does happen that is something that I will bring up. There is nothing that I can do to control the situation better than I am right now. All I can say is that I've learned who I can trust and who I can't. I think I've taken this situation and handled is as professionally as possible. I just hope my true character is able to withstand the pressure of them attempting to deform it with their lies and false accusations to make me look bad. I don't understand why I'm always the one taken advantage of and the one that always gets hurt. I feel like this was and will always be my heart. And when I love something I put my heart, soul, and energy into it. I made so many sacrifices to better those kids and what they loved and get them to have the same experience I was given in school. I just hope that going into this weekend I want them all to not give up and give it their all. I know that there are only a few that know what happened and the rest just see that I'm not around and were just told that the "drama has been taken care of". I never knew how much it meant to me until I was forced to abandon it.
Monday, March 23, 2009
My struggle.
Last night was odd for me and the difficulty crossed over into today and I'm looking for insight.
This has been a struggle for me that I have recognized recently and been well for lack of a better term struggling with. Part of my lenten pennance is to attend Mass more than just on Sundays. I'll admit that last week was hard for me and I procrastinated until Friday to make my weekday mass committment because of everything that has been going on. That's besides the point. I've always known that Wisdom had something really special for me about it. It didn't take long for me to realize that. There is something about the Mass there that makes it indescribable.
Anyway, as I have been going to weekday Mass at there recently it has become a bigger part of my life. Attending Sunday Mass at my home parish just isn't home anymore. That feeling began a few weeks ago and has progressively gotten worse in the past two Sundays or so.
And of course with struggle comes questions:
-- Is it wrong for me to feel like a huge difference?
-- Why do I feel absolutely nothing during Sunday Mass at my "home parish"?
-- Why can I not concentrate like I can during weekday Mass?
-- Should there really be a difference, God is God and shouldn't it be the same experience?
-- What's wrong with me that I feel different?
Like there is a huge difference in my Sunday mass and my weekday masses and I think its the Church and the atmosphere.
For example: last night I went to Mass like usual. Walking into Church there were these signs posted around Church that said "John 3:16" there must have been like 20 or 30 posted all over church: on the pews, on the wall, on the lectern, on the kneelers for the readers, on the chrism cabinent, on the holy water pool, etc. It was so distracting to me. I had trouble concentrating the whole Mass. All I remember about the homily is: the priest saying, "I wanted you to feel like you were in a sporting event... at every sporting event you will find one sign from an evangelist that reads John 3:16." It was at that point where I completely tuned him out and went into my own little world. Not a world of prayer, just my strange thoughts that race through my mind. I was only pulled out of my daydream when the congregation was repeating John 3:16 phrase by phrase after the priest. What had I missed and when did this become memorize bible verse time so you can regergitate (for lack of a better term) it when people question your faith. Honestly, tell me how simply stating "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son..." The Catholic faith is so much more than that. We have such a beautiful faith that can not be described in that one verse. It was hard for me to focus on prayer during the concecration and after communion. All I could think about was leaving. On the other hand, I went to Mass today and it was a completely different experience. Yes, I drifted off into my own thoughts during the homily but they were prayerful thoughts that laid my concerns and fears out before God. They were questions as to why I was going through this crazyness of being torn between the whys of the whole situation. Apparently as Mass concluded God was not ready for me to understand why.
But a conversation that I had last night with a really good friend of mine kept popping into my head. I was talking to her about how I was feeling and that kinda thing and she revealed to me something that could really be behind it all. She simply said "Thats the same battle that I went through. And maybe its beacuse there has been a *hurt* from mrs. eva and youth group that when you are there is still in your sprit even if you dont know it." And that got me thinking... She was so right. I never really accepted the whole youth group stuff that went down and my heart was/is still bitter. But maybe it goes deeper. Maybe it is the hurt of constantly being rejected by the majority of youth group people. Maybe it was the feelings of never being good enough for them. Maybe it was the knowing the when I had a problem I couldn't confide in the youth minister or priest because the reaction would simply be, "you ought to seek professional help". Maybe its the youth minister ruining my reputation at Church. Maybe it was being promised a CCD class but then again being backstabbed and rejected by the staff and having that opportunity ripped right out of my hands. Maybe just maybe all of the above is part of the reason why this is my struggle.
The true reason is something that I'll have to wait for. But I'm wondering if you have had this sort of experience in any context and how you handled it?
Love and prayers, now and always.
This has been a struggle for me that I have recognized recently and been well for lack of a better term struggling with. Part of my lenten pennance is to attend Mass more than just on Sundays. I'll admit that last week was hard for me and I procrastinated until Friday to make my weekday mass committment because of everything that has been going on. That's besides the point. I've always known that Wisdom had something really special for me about it. It didn't take long for me to realize that. There is something about the Mass there that makes it indescribable.
Anyway, as I have been going to weekday Mass at there recently it has become a bigger part of my life. Attending Sunday Mass at my home parish just isn't home anymore. That feeling began a few weeks ago and has progressively gotten worse in the past two Sundays or so.
And of course with struggle comes questions:
-- Is it wrong for me to feel like a huge difference?
-- Why do I feel absolutely nothing during Sunday Mass at my "home parish"?
-- Why can I not concentrate like I can during weekday Mass?
-- Should there really be a difference, God is God and shouldn't it be the same experience?
-- What's wrong with me that I feel different?
Like there is a huge difference in my Sunday mass and my weekday masses and I think its the Church and the atmosphere.
For example: last night I went to Mass like usual. Walking into Church there were these signs posted around Church that said "John 3:16" there must have been like 20 or 30 posted all over church: on the pews, on the wall, on the lectern, on the kneelers for the readers, on the chrism cabinent, on the holy water pool, etc. It was so distracting to me. I had trouble concentrating the whole Mass. All I remember about the homily is: the priest saying, "I wanted you to feel like you were in a sporting event... at every sporting event you will find one sign from an evangelist that reads John 3:16." It was at that point where I completely tuned him out and went into my own little world. Not a world of prayer, just my strange thoughts that race through my mind. I was only pulled out of my daydream when the congregation was repeating John 3:16 phrase by phrase after the priest. What had I missed and when did this become memorize bible verse time so you can regergitate (for lack of a better term) it when people question your faith. Honestly, tell me how simply stating "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son..." The Catholic faith is so much more than that. We have such a beautiful faith that can not be described in that one verse. It was hard for me to focus on prayer during the concecration and after communion. All I could think about was leaving. On the other hand, I went to Mass today and it was a completely different experience. Yes, I drifted off into my own thoughts during the homily but they were prayerful thoughts that laid my concerns and fears out before God. They were questions as to why I was going through this crazyness of being torn between the whys of the whole situation. Apparently as Mass concluded God was not ready for me to understand why.
But a conversation that I had last night with a really good friend of mine kept popping into my head. I was talking to her about how I was feeling and that kinda thing and she revealed to me something that could really be behind it all. She simply said "Thats the same battle that I went through. And maybe its beacuse there has been a *hurt* from mrs. eva and youth group that when you are there is still in your sprit even if you dont know it." And that got me thinking... She was so right. I never really accepted the whole youth group stuff that went down and my heart was/is still bitter. But maybe it goes deeper. Maybe it is the hurt of constantly being rejected by the majority of youth group people. Maybe it was the feelings of never being good enough for them. Maybe it was the knowing the when I had a problem I couldn't confide in the youth minister or priest because the reaction would simply be, "you ought to seek professional help". Maybe its the youth minister ruining my reputation at Church. Maybe it was being promised a CCD class but then again being backstabbed and rejected by the staff and having that opportunity ripped right out of my hands. Maybe just maybe all of the above is part of the reason why this is my struggle.
The true reason is something that I'll have to wait for. But I'm wondering if you have had this sort of experience in any context and how you handled it?
Love and prayers, now and always.
So many questions...
As I sit in the computer lab as I normally do on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings killing time between biochemistry and principles of teaching and assessment, I find my mind wandering into far off places rather than actually getting work done. Today is particularly different though, I've been in here for 15 minutes and have yet to pull out a book or my jump drive. My mind is in so many different places that I'm finding it hard to fully accomplish an academic task. Amidst everything going on there are so many questions fogging up my mind that it's hard to think.
It occurred to me at Mass last night that I have so much work to do and so many obstacles to face. But am I ready for them? Apparently not because God is pulling me back and will only give me what he thinks I can handle. There are so many times where I'm laying down at night, can sleep because my silly brain won't quiet itself enough to let me dose off that the question pops into my head: "God why do you think I can handle this?" Its probably one that I ask quite a bit because I don't have the confidence in myself that I can get through the valleys of life. I asked it when I was forced to leave youth ministry, when my grandpa got sick and I cared for him, when Ms. B died suddenly, the afternoon that her eulogy was written, when my grandpa died, when I wrote his obituary and planned his memorial Mass, on the days I'd spend with my grandma, when I was again forced to leave something else that I loved dearly, when friends who I thought I needed most suddenly disappear, when I find my heart being hardened because I have yet to find the strength to forgive a certain group of people, I could go on and on and on... but I think you get my drift. Why does He think I'm ready? While writing this the answer has come to me: it's because God has faith in me. Simple I know but so profound. God has given me these obstacles because He knows that I can persevere and that I will be a stronger and more faithful person because of that. He has faith in me, faith in all of us --- how completely amazing is that!
Yet I still find myself clouded with a million questions and random thoughts when I should be focused on the unit plan who's due date is rapidly approaching, or my assessment plan that I'm beginning to fall behind on, or the midterm that I have this week, or biochemistry work, or what classes I'm going to take next semester. I know that this seems pretty dang important since its my education and I will soon be an educator and shouldn't be procrastinating, but it's my nature. Its so me to worry about everyone else before myself. Make sure my brother knows what he's doing with his research paper, make sure sufficient preparation is taking place for certain things, just randomness that I know I shouldn't be so worried about. But oh well...
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the future holds, but you know I need to think about the now and let God handle my future. There is nothing I can do right now to create my future so why worry right? For example, ever since I started in the college of education (after my first semester of college) I have wanted to teach one certain thing at one particular school. That's all I focused on, accomplishing that task and I became so closed minded on everything else that was going on. Upon recent happenings, God has quickly jerked me out of that fantasy and threw me into the chaos of His plan. I wanted to do ABC where God wanted XYZ... Considering this revelation if I can call it that has only happened less than a week ago, I'm still learning and adapting to it. I can honestly say that my eyes have been opened to the hurt that I was experiencing but pushed aside. My wounds are still fresh and quite emotional for me as I still grapple with the fact of just how much of a fantasy world I was living in for the past three years. The pain of realizing just how much I have been used as a doormat, seen as a pushover, and called when I was needed and kicked to the curb when the task was accomplished goes pretty deep.
But you know as these feelings and thoughts rush back to me, God makes me giggle. As I prepared for the beginning of Lent a few weeks ago, I promised God that I would not worry so much about a certain situation (lets call it S) and focus more on Him. Silly God saw that I wasn't upholding that promise, looked at me and said "Ha! She said she wasn't going to worry and stress herself about S..." And His will was done. Of course it isn't easy and won't be for awhile. But I can totally picture God setting me straight and it makes me laugh because I can totally picture sitting up in the heavens laughing at me when I'm on youtube watching The Lion King in slow motion and then on fast forward just because now I actually have the time to do so. Or saying "see I told you so" when I throw my nonsense questions at Him. God as I picture Him in my head has such a great sense of humor and it makes me laugh when I try to fathom what goes through His mind as he watches me here on Earth.
Anywho... I'm really not sure if any of this makes sense, but I have successfully fulfilled my hour to finish between classes. And now I'm off to class!
Love and prayers always and forever!
It occurred to me at Mass last night that I have so much work to do and so many obstacles to face. But am I ready for them? Apparently not because God is pulling me back and will only give me what he thinks I can handle. There are so many times where I'm laying down at night, can sleep because my silly brain won't quiet itself enough to let me dose off that the question pops into my head: "God why do you think I can handle this?" Its probably one that I ask quite a bit because I don't have the confidence in myself that I can get through the valleys of life. I asked it when I was forced to leave youth ministry, when my grandpa got sick and I cared for him, when Ms. B died suddenly, the afternoon that her eulogy was written, when my grandpa died, when I wrote his obituary and planned his memorial Mass, on the days I'd spend with my grandma, when I was again forced to leave something else that I loved dearly, when friends who I thought I needed most suddenly disappear, when I find my heart being hardened because I have yet to find the strength to forgive a certain group of people, I could go on and on and on... but I think you get my drift. Why does He think I'm ready? While writing this the answer has come to me: it's because God has faith in me. Simple I know but so profound. God has given me these obstacles because He knows that I can persevere and that I will be a stronger and more faithful person because of that. He has faith in me, faith in all of us --- how completely amazing is that!
Yet I still find myself clouded with a million questions and random thoughts when I should be focused on the unit plan who's due date is rapidly approaching, or my assessment plan that I'm beginning to fall behind on, or the midterm that I have this week, or biochemistry work, or what classes I'm going to take next semester. I know that this seems pretty dang important since its my education and I will soon be an educator and shouldn't be procrastinating, but it's my nature. Its so me to worry about everyone else before myself. Make sure my brother knows what he's doing with his research paper, make sure sufficient preparation is taking place for certain things, just randomness that I know I shouldn't be so worried about. But oh well...
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the future holds, but you know I need to think about the now and let God handle my future. There is nothing I can do right now to create my future so why worry right? For example, ever since I started in the college of education (after my first semester of college) I have wanted to teach one certain thing at one particular school. That's all I focused on, accomplishing that task and I became so closed minded on everything else that was going on. Upon recent happenings, God has quickly jerked me out of that fantasy and threw me into the chaos of His plan. I wanted to do ABC where God wanted XYZ... Considering this revelation if I can call it that has only happened less than a week ago, I'm still learning and adapting to it. I can honestly say that my eyes have been opened to the hurt that I was experiencing but pushed aside. My wounds are still fresh and quite emotional for me as I still grapple with the fact of just how much of a fantasy world I was living in for the past three years. The pain of realizing just how much I have been used as a doormat, seen as a pushover, and called when I was needed and kicked to the curb when the task was accomplished goes pretty deep.
But you know as these feelings and thoughts rush back to me, God makes me giggle. As I prepared for the beginning of Lent a few weeks ago, I promised God that I would not worry so much about a certain situation (lets call it S) and focus more on Him. Silly God saw that I wasn't upholding that promise, looked at me and said "Ha! She said she wasn't going to worry and stress herself about S..." And His will was done. Of course it isn't easy and won't be for awhile. But I can totally picture God setting me straight and it makes me laugh because I can totally picture sitting up in the heavens laughing at me when I'm on youtube watching The Lion King in slow motion and then on fast forward just because now I actually have the time to do so. Or saying "see I told you so" when I throw my nonsense questions at Him. God as I picture Him in my head has such a great sense of humor and it makes me laugh when I try to fathom what goes through His mind as he watches me here on Earth.
Anywho... I'm really not sure if any of this makes sense, but I have successfully fulfilled my hour to finish between classes. And now I'm off to class!
Love and prayers always and forever!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
On recent happenings...
I've been telling myself for quite awhile that I needed to start updating this thing frequently again to deal with things and just get thoughts out of my head. I feel like now is the perfect opportunity to accomplish that task.
I'm in the midst of so much, that it gets to be so overwhelming at times. I'm worried about being strong for myself and my friends. I'm worried about being the person God wants me to be.I'm worried about my future. I'm worried about life in general. The combonation of these happenings as well as the personal drama that has been stirring in my life has caused me to loose hope in my self and all those around me.
I can truely say that I lost myself in all of the chaos. In loosing my self: I lost my faith, my friends, my joy, my hope, and my love. Yes, I was still going to Church and leaving with a smile on my face... but something was missing. Something that I couldn't place my finger on. I've had friends (both new and old) who have stepped in just to lend an ear and shoulder to cry on but it just seemed like they didn't fully get it or didn't really care. It is not until now that I realize that it wasn't them, it was/is me. I wasn't fully opening up to them and relying on them in everything that was/is going on. It was m that was the problem not them. It was me who didn't realize how amazing and supportive they have all been through this journey. They have been there when I couldn't speak I was crying so hard, and I just pushed them aside. To all who I have been alongside me through this journey, I thank you. I thank you for putting up with my tears and depression. I thank you for encouraging me along the way although I was too blind to see it. I thank you for being my strength when I couldn't be strong for myself. And finally, I thank you for being you and loving me through it all.
Lately I've been rethinking the many different facets of my life. Now that I'm no longer coaching, I've had time to think and reassess. Of course its been a long and trying journey with the team but God no longer had a reason for me to be there so He did what he had to. And yes for awhile after that happened I was upset and angry... no wait I still am. I've had to take things hour by hour and day by day just to persevere. I'll openly admit, it's not easy whatsoever and I know it won't be. It's my cross to bear so to say and I know God wouldn't have thrown it at me if I couldn't handle it. With that, I went through a phase where I wasn't too sure if education was still my calling, fortunately my faith has been renewed in my calling to be a teacher and so I will continue along that journey.
Yesterday was one of the best days in a long time. My saddness and worry had taken over my life in the previous weeks and I had trouble finding the happiness in life. Yesterday changed all that. Thursday afternoon, I got a text from a friend asking me to go to ayf. After some convincing I said I would go. Then I questioned myself: with everything going on in my life, could I really go and abandon myself to God and be around Him and people on fire for Him all day? What was God thinking? I was kinda mad at Him for throwing me a curve ball the second I thought things were going to be okay. But it was an opportunity, an opportunity to get away for the day and possibly make things right with Him again. Saying yes was probably the best decision of my life. The begining part of the day was just normal ayf-esque. I had been three times before and the morning/early afternoon sessions were just like previous years. It wasn't until Mass that things changed for me. I prayed like normal before Mass. During the Mass, I told God: "Ok... you called me here for a reason. Help my heart to be opened and accepting towards everything you want me to hear. Give me the strength and courage to move on and accept Your will for me." During communion He truely did just that, He prepared my heart for what He had instore. Fast forward to adoration later that night. Let me just say I love that we have the ability as Catholics for adoration. Completely surrendering everything to Jesus as He walks through the crowd and is placed on the altar for us to physically pray to. To me adoration is the "seeing what we believe" part of the faith. Anyway... adoration was almost ending (I'm really not sure why it was so short) and I remember telling God: "okay so its almost over and I feel no different than earlier... whats going on. I can't do this anymore, I need you're help." It was at that moment when I lost it. I heard Him say: "Michelle, I'm here. I've always been here. Give me your pain and sorrow. I know you want answers now, but you are not yet prepared for what I have instore for you. Find your strength in me and be patient. It will come when you are ready." So I immediately broke down, it was such a simple answer that I needed to hear although I didn't want to. It gave me the peace and serinity that I needed. I just didn't want to leave that place, the place of fully surrendering to Him and listening to what He wanted me to hear. It renewed my faith, my hope, my love, my spirit, and my joy. For that I am so grateful. I'm so blessed to have such amazing friends who have walked into my life at the perfect time, including a few yesterday.
So where do I go from here? I'm continuing to take things one step at a time and not over analyze things. I am striving to be as God wants me to be. I pray that I may see my friends for each and every amazing blessing they are to me. I pray that I may continue to hear God's voice as I grow closer to Him. I pray that I am willing and able to surrender my everything to Him and His plan for me. I pray that I'm able to lay my burdens at His feet, knowing that I can't do it on my own. I pray in thanksgiving for yesterday and all that has been revealed to me. I pray that I may be as much as a blessing to you as you have been to me.
Love and prayers, now and forever.
I'm in the midst of so much, that it gets to be so overwhelming at times. I'm worried about being strong for myself and my friends. I'm worried about being the person God wants me to be.I'm worried about my future. I'm worried about life in general. The combonation of these happenings as well as the personal drama that has been stirring in my life has caused me to loose hope in my self and all those around me.
I can truely say that I lost myself in all of the chaos. In loosing my self: I lost my faith, my friends, my joy, my hope, and my love. Yes, I was still going to Church and leaving with a smile on my face... but something was missing. Something that I couldn't place my finger on. I've had friends (both new and old) who have stepped in just to lend an ear and shoulder to cry on but it just seemed like they didn't fully get it or didn't really care. It is not until now that I realize that it wasn't them, it was/is me. I wasn't fully opening up to them and relying on them in everything that was/is going on. It was m that was the problem not them. It was me who didn't realize how amazing and supportive they have all been through this journey. They have been there when I couldn't speak I was crying so hard, and I just pushed them aside. To all who I have been alongside me through this journey, I thank you. I thank you for putting up with my tears and depression. I thank you for encouraging me along the way although I was too blind to see it. I thank you for being my strength when I couldn't be strong for myself. And finally, I thank you for being you and loving me through it all.
Lately I've been rethinking the many different facets of my life. Now that I'm no longer coaching, I've had time to think and reassess. Of course its been a long and trying journey with the team but God no longer had a reason for me to be there so He did what he had to. And yes for awhile after that happened I was upset and angry... no wait I still am. I've had to take things hour by hour and day by day just to persevere. I'll openly admit, it's not easy whatsoever and I know it won't be. It's my cross to bear so to say and I know God wouldn't have thrown it at me if I couldn't handle it. With that, I went through a phase where I wasn't too sure if education was still my calling, fortunately my faith has been renewed in my calling to be a teacher and so I will continue along that journey.
Yesterday was one of the best days in a long time. My saddness and worry had taken over my life in the previous weeks and I had trouble finding the happiness in life. Yesterday changed all that. Thursday afternoon, I got a text from a friend asking me to go to ayf. After some convincing I said I would go. Then I questioned myself: with everything going on in my life, could I really go and abandon myself to God and be around Him and people on fire for Him all day? What was God thinking? I was kinda mad at Him for throwing me a curve ball the second I thought things were going to be okay. But it was an opportunity, an opportunity to get away for the day and possibly make things right with Him again. Saying yes was probably the best decision of my life. The begining part of the day was just normal ayf-esque. I had been three times before and the morning/early afternoon sessions were just like previous years. It wasn't until Mass that things changed for me. I prayed like normal before Mass. During the Mass, I told God: "Ok... you called me here for a reason. Help my heart to be opened and accepting towards everything you want me to hear. Give me the strength and courage to move on and accept Your will for me." During communion He truely did just that, He prepared my heart for what He had instore. Fast forward to adoration later that night. Let me just say I love that we have the ability as Catholics for adoration. Completely surrendering everything to Jesus as He walks through the crowd and is placed on the altar for us to physically pray to. To me adoration is the "seeing what we believe" part of the faith. Anyway... adoration was almost ending (I'm really not sure why it was so short) and I remember telling God: "okay so its almost over and I feel no different than earlier... whats going on. I can't do this anymore, I need you're help." It was at that moment when I lost it. I heard Him say: "Michelle, I'm here. I've always been here. Give me your pain and sorrow. I know you want answers now, but you are not yet prepared for what I have instore for you. Find your strength in me and be patient. It will come when you are ready." So I immediately broke down, it was such a simple answer that I needed to hear although I didn't want to. It gave me the peace and serinity that I needed. I just didn't want to leave that place, the place of fully surrendering to Him and listening to what He wanted me to hear. It renewed my faith, my hope, my love, my spirit, and my joy. For that I am so grateful. I'm so blessed to have such amazing friends who have walked into my life at the perfect time, including a few yesterday.
So where do I go from here? I'm continuing to take things one step at a time and not over analyze things. I am striving to be as God wants me to be. I pray that I may see my friends for each and every amazing blessing they are to me. I pray that I may continue to hear God's voice as I grow closer to Him. I pray that I am willing and able to surrender my everything to Him and His plan for me. I pray that I'm able to lay my burdens at His feet, knowing that I can't do it on my own. I pray in thanksgiving for yesterday and all that has been revealed to me. I pray that I may be as much as a blessing to you as you have been to me.
Love and prayers, now and forever.
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