I'm not really sure how things have gotten this bad. Two weeks ago, everything was fine. Now I'm a complete mess. Last night I had a complete breakdown and after today I think it needed to happen. There has been a lot going on lately and a lot of bottled up emotions. For some reason work brings up a lot of these emotions. In talking to a few friends last night, a lot came to the surface. There is a lot of stuff that I need to work on, professionally and personally. I am so grateful for having friends that are honest with me and help me to become a better person. Last night was hard for me - it was hard for me to let go and breakdown, it was hard for me to hear and accept, the truth, it was hard for me to admit some things, it was hard for me to be completely open, it was hard for me to put my heart on the line, and it was hard for me to admit that I'm scared to death of what is going to happen. I wish last night could have fixed everything, but I know it can't. I have so much to learn, so much to think about and so far to grow. In a way this is coming at the perfect time, at a time where I won't have class to worry about and where I can actually take the time to process things. I'm scared of what this thinking thing will bring about, but I know in the end I will be happy again. I truely miss being happy, being completely happy. I've spent so much time stuck in the middle and not being able to be myself. I'm ready to figure this crap out and be myself again. I know exactly what I have to do, its just to find the inner strength and courage to do it. For this to be successful, I need you to help me. I need you to help keep me in line. I need you to be completly honest with me, no matter how harsh it may be. I need you to understand how hard this is for me. I need you to tell me when I'm overstepping my boundaries at work, because I don't always notice. I need you to remind me that as much as I want to, I can't FIX everything. I need you to remind me to take a deep breath and that things will be okay. I need you to be my support, to be there to listen and to give me a hug when I'm having a rough day. By no means will the comming weeks be full of rainbows and sunshine, they will be full of tears and sadness. But this is what I need, I can't stay in the position I am for much longer. I am hopeful that it will be worth it in the end. I know in my heart things will work out.
On another note, I'm almost finished with the semester! My last final is Thursday at 8:00 a.m. and then I won't have any school stuff to worry about, besides the praxis, until January! I'm so ready for the break! My organic final yesterday was pretty darn crazy! Twelve pages and 26 questions, half of which I had nothing in my notes on. Ugh... thats so fustrating! But what's done is done there isn't anything I can do now to fix it. Grades probably won't come out until Monday night so I will be a nervous wreck until then. I know for sure that I have A's in 2 of my classes which I'm excited about!
I think that's all I have for today.... until tomorrow!
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