Another crappy holiday...

Happy Christmas Eve... today was absolutely amazing until an hour and a half ago. We had Christmas at my grandmas with my cousins and then when to Mass. And then everything kinda blew up, which once again its my fault. Now I'm locked in my room for the night, bawling my eyes out. I feel like I'm the odd one out in my house. My mom and I get along pretty well, my brother and I get along sometimes, and my dad and I don't get along at all. It hurts bad not to get along with him. I really don't feel like he loves me since pawpaw died. When pawpaw was sick and I was spending two days at week at their house he and I got along just fine. Sometimes I wish that pawpaw wouldn't have died because thats when he loved me, or at least it felt like he did. Now he can't stand me becasue I'm close to mom and that takes away from his time with her. He's told me this numerous times... so what am I not supposed to talk to my mom? I mean shit grow up what the f**k do you think having kids will do? Like really? Is it wrong that I talk to my mom? Am I only supposed to talk to my brother? Well who am I supossed to vent to? I guess I just shouldn't talk to anyone at home. Apparently I'm the b**** in my house, which I mean I can be at times but I really don't think I am most of the time. I guess thats where the problem lies, I don't see what I do wrong and how am I supposed to improve when you don't take the time to help me to see it nonconfrontationally. If you confront me and yell at me, yea I'll get pissed and probably react with an attitude. If you talk to me about it and be nonconfrontational about it, I'll try to work on it. My self-esteem/self-confidence isn't that great so I take a lot really personally. When you constantly embarass me in front of people, not only my family but people I consider friends, strangers, and people I have to see again - I will get pissed. I don't appreciate you making fun of me... its a completely different story when I'm ok with what your talking about. I embrace my stupidity most of the time, but there are somethings that happen that I don't want to leave where it happened. This is mostly true when the thing that happens upsets me in the first place. Normally if you say something that I feel is making fun of me, I will let you know after the fact that I didn't appreciate it. If you do it again, intentially after I told you it pissed me off I will be extremely pissed. This is something that I guess had a part in today. Another factor was that I'm pmsing. Most people know that when its that time of the month, leave me alone. I'm more self-contious than normal, more easily upset, known for crying for unknown reasons, more vulnerable, in pain, and really really really easily pissed. Just let me be and I'll be fine, or make me laugh and I'll be much better. I guess I'm just the problem, it is always my fault. I just wish that things would be normal...