My Year In Review...

This year has definitely been a year of ups and downs, highs and lows. There have definitely been a lot more downs and lows than ups and highs. Travel with me through my year...

January: I don't really remember much of January. Things seemed normal, my grandpa had his knee replacement surgery and seemed to be doing well. I was still recovering from my surgery in December. Things seemed okay. I was working two days a week, going to school two days a week, and taking Fridays off to chill unless it was a tournament weekend, although it didn't guarantee that I was actually at the tournaments.

February: Pretty much the same as January, stressing about school. Still balancing work and school. Work wasn't bad at all: hanging out, laughing, filling out entries, starting to get things organized for the change. Just happy times. Being able to constantly cut up and enjoy the company of the team.

March: My grandpa started swelling in his stomach, legs and feet. It was in and out of doctor's offices and tests being run here and there. Work was still work and school was still school. Life seemed normal minus a few doctor’s appointments here and there.

April: The month my whole life changed, part two. This is the month life changed forever. The morning of April 1, my grandma called that there was something wrong with my grandpa. Of course we immediately ran over and called the paramedics. It turned out that his sugar was really low, but the paramedics didn't like the look of the fluid in his belly so they suggested that they take him to the ER by ambulance. After spending the day in the emergency room with test after test being run, they admitted him. A day or so passed and he was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer of the liver and lung that couldn't be treated. IT was only a matter of time. By this time it was Friday (our 4th day in the hospital), it was the weekend of state but I was spending the day with my grandparents in the hospital before heading to Alexandria for the tournament. I walked into the room to find my grandpa asleep and my grandma in the chair crying. She proceeded to tell me that the cancer doctor had just come in and told her that they were calling in hospice because it was only a matter of time and that my grandpa didn't know. It was a shock, that day was a pretty hard day. After the exhaustion of the day, I got to Alexandria and went straight to the hotel, I couldn't muster up the strength to go to the tournament. I called my boss and she let me know that they were having a surprise party for one of the kids in the hotel that night, so I stopped by. Most of the kids didn't know I was even making the trip so it was really good to see and surprise them. I couldn't let them see how my heart was breaking inside. It was a really good getaway to "forget" everything that was going on at home. It was a successful weekend and the kids had a good time. As the month went on, I was still going to school twice a week, cut down work to once a week, and lived at my grandmas two days a week to help her with taking care of my grandpa. Things just kinda progressively got worse. Pretty close to the end of the month, another door slammed in my face. Mrs. B. was killed in a car accident. I think what hurt the most was that it was a huge shock, completely unexpected. I went into work the Monday after, something was different about the school, the kids just everything. That morning they had a memorial service and the day was just kind of a blur. After school let out, my boss and I worked on the eulogy that she would deliver at the funeral the next day. She dictated and I typed. Once we had finished we went to the funeral home to make sure everything was in order. I have never seen so many people, that’s how you know how truly amazing she was.

May: The month my whole life changed, part two. The beginning of the month I went to a crawfish boil at a friend’s house. That night, I was gunna be home by myself. My parents were at a convention in New Orleans and my brother was staying somewhere else. My mom called and said things with my grandpa had taken a turn for the worst and they were coming back home. The following Monday, May 5, I had gone to work (like usual) and not an hour after I got there, my mom came with the news that my grandpa had passed away. Immediately after that, I had to keep myself busy in order to stay sane. I cooked meals to send to my grandma’s house, wrote the obituary, designed and order prayer cards, ordered flowers, printed pictures, made lists, designed the Memorial Mass programs, and created a memorial table for my PawPaw. You know, I kept myself busy. I was afraid that if I hadn’t kept myself busy that I was going to have a complete breakdown. The six days in-between the day he died and the Memorial Mass were hell. I had school plus everything that was happening on my mind. My grandpa wanted to donate his body to science, so there was no funeral home… just a Mass to honor him. In a way that was best, I couldn’t have sat in a funeral home with people constantly coming in and out. I don’t really remember the rest of the month things were chaotic, trying to finish school and process the loss of my grandpa. In that mix was also the packing of the office in the speech room.

June: I began working for an insurance company part-time for the summer break to keep myself occupied. It was fun at first, I didn’t really do much but file, answer phones, go through stuff on the computer databases, ya know the usual secretarial stuff. I had my birthday, wasn’t really feeling it what so ever. We went to Sugarland for a week just to get away from the chaos here. I think that’s about it. Idk. In between working, I was the one to go shopping with my grandma, go to the doctor with her, go every where with her. This had been since my grandpa died, she didn’t want to go anywhere herself. It got frustrating after awhile because as much as I wanted to be there helping her, it reminded me so much of my grandpa and made me miss him even more. That on top of everything else left me crushed with no time to process anything that was happening.

July: The beginning of the month (the 3rd maybe?) we rushed my grandma to the hospital via ambulance because she was having trouble breathing. Five days and two stints later they finally released her, but she decided it was better for her to stay at our house instead of going back home alone. Got pissed at my aunt for deciding that it was more important to go to Texas with her friend then to come to the hospital to take care of my grandma. Now, my house is a three bedroom with an extra person in the house that leaves someone on the sofa. I was kicked out of my room and forced to stay on the sofa. If you know me at all, I spend most of my time in my room, it’s the only place I have to myself, my quiet place. Oh, you should probably keep in mind that my grandma goes to bed at 3 a.m. and wakes up at 7 a.m. thus leaving me to run on her time clock as well. I was completely exhausted, emotionally and physically. I think this is the month that my dad lost his job as well, another issue to deal with…

August: I finished working at the insurance agency, that couldn’t have come at a better time! My grandma moved back to her house, thank goodness. It was good to have her at the house, it was just too much togetherness. Once school was back in session, I was back working with the team. Just in a different capacity than I had in the past. At this point, I was still unsure of what exactly that capacity would be, but I soon learned it. It was still the early transition stages of changing coaching staffs and such. It was stressful, but then again it wasn’t because I kinda stayed away from the team for awhile. I started class again, a semester which I thought was going to be the semester from hell luckily it wasn’t too bad. At this point I was working one day a week and leaving at 3, school two days a week, Maw Maw’s once a week, and then Friday’s to myself. Dad was now home constantly since he chose to work from home selling insurance. Huge change for me who doesn’t get along with him most of the time. Towards the end of the month, we were preparing for a hurricane headed our way.

September: This was a crazy month. Two hurricanes pretty much back to back, luckily they weren’t too too bad. The first one, Gustav, was the worst. My grandparents left town and my grandma came to stay with us. We lost power for twoish days and I was left without a room until she went back to her house. Ike came after that and wasn’t too bad. My nightmare from Ike was waking up to someone beating down the front door and ringing the doorbell constantly. It was quite creepy. Of course I’m to scared to open the door, much less go in the living room so I woke up my brother who in turn darted across the house and woke up my dad to let him answer it. Turns out some stupid people decided that they were going to drive around in the middle of a damn hurricane. Lost control of their car, it flipped and landed upside down in our electricity pole. It was the two people that were in the car that were banging on our door. The pole was split and almost falling. The rest of the night we had two cop cars in the driveway incase it fell into the road. The end of the month was spent preparing for the upcoming tournament at work and catching up on schoolwork.

October: It was this month in which I realized exactly how stressful work was going to be this year. I went from working 8 hours once a week to about 11 hours twice a week on top of school and helping out my grandma. While at school, instead of thinking about school, I was thinking about work and what I had forgotten to do. Besides preparing for tournaments, we had our own tournament to host, a retreat to plan, and a fundraiser to organize. The week we hosted our tournament was super crazy. We had one thing after another on top of a huge list of schools coming and too many people who didn’t know what they were doing. I was stressed to the max. It was then that I knew exactly how this year at work would be. It was frustrating to me because I was so used to the old way and now there is someone new with a whole new mindset on how things are supposed to go. It was tiring, stressful and long and sleepless week. Thank God that only comes around once a year. After that was over, I was able to take a deep breath but didn’t have the time to relax. Between our fundraiser and retreat and preparing for the first major tournament of the season I somehow lost myself. I was drawn into drama that has since plagued the rest of the season for me. I really really contemplated quitting something that I’ve been doing for three years.

November: It was tournament time! All my time outside of school was devoted to preparing kids for the tournament and getting things in order. I started subbing at school as well just to get classroom discipline experience, before I actually start teaching. It was definitely scary to be in charge of teenagers, some of whom are friends of my brother and some of whom I went to high school with. We were in tournament season which kept me busy, hearing kids and such. I was stressed beyond what I thought I could handle and in the midst of traveling with the team. First was the tournament in New Orleans where I was in charge of the group that left after school. Then it was to Chicago, where I had an amazing time with the three kids we took up there. Right after I got back from Chicago, it was thanksgiving. Crazy is the only thing that describes that. Before everyone got here, it was a huge fight at my house over I don’t even know what. Then it was smiley faces for everyone as they arrived until they left. After that I was in my room for the rest of the day, not talking to anyone.

December: Started off the month with another issue at work that left three (if not more) people not talking me. I hate when things like that happen, it makes me not only more self-conscious and paranoid but it hurts. To not have three people speak to you, much less look at you for a few days, it sucked big time. Eventually I decided that it was best to talk to each of them to fix it. At this point I had determined that I had to fix myself. There were things that I needed to do in order to step up to the plate and be a coach rather than their friend. Over the course of three-ish days I had really good conversations with the three of them plus a few others and I definitely knew what I needed to work on. That was definitely a turning point for me. Who had I become and why was I not at all happy with things that were happening? I had a heart-to-heart with some of my closest friends and they could tell that I wasn’t happy with the way things were. I used to be able to be myself at work and that had all changed. I wanted so badly to change yet didn’t know how exactly to go about it. Once I finished school (with a 4.0 I might add), I knew it was time to fix things.

So here I am… ending the year, still as a work in progress but a little happier and more confident than I was. I’m still working through the depression and trying to process all that has happened in the past year, but I know that God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I am working through the craziness and stress and frustration that my life brings. So, my 2009 New Year’s Resolution is to take each day as it comes, to wake up in the morning with a positive attitude, keep blogging (because it helps me not to keep everything inside), to grow up, to truly smile and laugh as much as possible, to talk to someone when things are tough, to take everything with a grain of salt, to realize how great the people in my life really are, to love unconditionally, to be happy with me, to care less about what other people think, to balance my work, to not sweat the small stuff, to go with the flow, and to not be afraid to be me. By doing all these things, I know that I will be a better, happier person which is what I strive to be in 2009. I ask you to support me in these things because I truly want this to be an amazing year! I am excited for what the future holds and hope you are too! Have an amazing 2009! Here’s to a new year and a new me!