Change is coming...

I was going through some old old stuff and found one of my old poetry programs on identity and not being afraid of who you are. It was so ironic, being that identity is my current personal struggle. While reading through it, I found this poem:

I keep my paintbrush with me, wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up, so the real me doesn’t show. I’m so afraid to show you me; afraid of what you’ll do, I’m afraid you’ll laugh or say mean things; afraid I might lose you. I’d like to remove all the layers, to show you the real, true
me, but I want you to try to understand; I need you to like
what you see. So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes, I’ll remove the coats real slow, please understand how much it hurts, to let the real me show.

I think this is one of my main struggles, the fear of not being accepted for who I am. I know for certain that my closest friends will always be there for me and I for them, no matter how much we change. But its the others that I'm not sure about. It was really reassuring to talk to a friend today, we hadn't really spoken in awhile and I was afraid I had done something wrong. It was comforting to talk to him today and to have his support in the change that is to come. I think he kinda knows what I'm going through. I talked to another close friend tonight who I hadn't really had a deep conversation with in the past few months. I'm so blessed to have her in my life and didn't realize how much I truely missed our conversations and missed seeing her in general! Today was so encouraging to me. I know I have the support of my friends though this journey that I know will be a long and hard one. My heart has never been this broken before and it scares me to take this inward journey to repair it. I have been so worried about pleasing others and looking okay on the outside that I've been neglecting myself. It hurts to know that I can't put my whole self into everything that I do because I'm not being real to myself. I'm so blessed to have the friends that I do, they are always there to lend an ear and always have the perfect thing to say. I hope that I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me. I've been so exhausted lately - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think I'm finally ready to be me, even though I'm not quite sure what all that intails. There is a big part of me missing. My life is in pieces and I have to work on slowly picking them up, dusting them off, and putting them back together. This past year has been really hard for me and I know its been hard for others as well. I'm so ready for things to be normal again, where I don't have to constantly concentrate on not crying or putting a fake smile on my face. So, change is coming. I know that it will be a positive change, one that hopefully includes confidence and hope, joy and laughter, friendships and love, smiles and hugs. I know that this change will not make things perfect, because there is no such thing as perfect. I know that there will still be tears and sorrow but I just don't want it to be in control of my life anymore. I truely am blessed to have friends that can make me laugh no matter how much pain I'm in. I love you all to death! Until tomorrow.