My Year In Review...

This year has definitely been a year of ups and downs, highs and lows. There have definitely been a lot more downs and lows than ups and highs. Travel with me through my year...

January: I don't really remember much of January. Things seemed normal, my grandpa had his knee replacement surgery and seemed to be doing well. I was still recovering from my surgery in December. Things seemed okay. I was working two days a week, going to school two days a week, and taking Fridays off to chill unless it was a tournament weekend, although it didn't guarantee that I was actually at the tournaments.

February: Pretty much the same as January, stressing about school. Still balancing work and school. Work wasn't bad at all: hanging out, laughing, filling out entries, starting to get things organized for the change. Just happy times. Being able to constantly cut up and enjoy the company of the team.

March: My grandpa started swelling in his stomach, legs and feet. It was in and out of doctor's offices and tests being run here and there. Work was still work and school was still school. Life seemed normal minus a few doctor’s appointments here and there.

April: The month my whole life changed, part two. This is the month life changed forever. The morning of April 1, my grandma called that there was something wrong with my grandpa. Of course we immediately ran over and called the paramedics. It turned out that his sugar was really low, but the paramedics didn't like the look of the fluid in his belly so they suggested that they take him to the ER by ambulance. After spending the day in the emergency room with test after test being run, they admitted him. A day or so passed and he was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer of the liver and lung that couldn't be treated. IT was only a matter of time. By this time it was Friday (our 4th day in the hospital), it was the weekend of state but I was spending the day with my grandparents in the hospital before heading to Alexandria for the tournament. I walked into the room to find my grandpa asleep and my grandma in the chair crying. She proceeded to tell me that the cancer doctor had just come in and told her that they were calling in hospice because it was only a matter of time and that my grandpa didn't know. It was a shock, that day was a pretty hard day. After the exhaustion of the day, I got to Alexandria and went straight to the hotel, I couldn't muster up the strength to go to the tournament. I called my boss and she let me know that they were having a surprise party for one of the kids in the hotel that night, so I stopped by. Most of the kids didn't know I was even making the trip so it was really good to see and surprise them. I couldn't let them see how my heart was breaking inside. It was a really good getaway to "forget" everything that was going on at home. It was a successful weekend and the kids had a good time. As the month went on, I was still going to school twice a week, cut down work to once a week, and lived at my grandmas two days a week to help her with taking care of my grandpa. Things just kinda progressively got worse. Pretty close to the end of the month, another door slammed in my face. Mrs. B. was killed in a car accident. I think what hurt the most was that it was a huge shock, completely unexpected. I went into work the Monday after, something was different about the school, the kids just everything. That morning they had a memorial service and the day was just kind of a blur. After school let out, my boss and I worked on the eulogy that she would deliver at the funeral the next day. She dictated and I typed. Once we had finished we went to the funeral home to make sure everything was in order. I have never seen so many people, that’s how you know how truly amazing she was.

May: The month my whole life changed, part two. The beginning of the month I went to a crawfish boil at a friend’s house. That night, I was gunna be home by myself. My parents were at a convention in New Orleans and my brother was staying somewhere else. My mom called and said things with my grandpa had taken a turn for the worst and they were coming back home. The following Monday, May 5, I had gone to work (like usual) and not an hour after I got there, my mom came with the news that my grandpa had passed away. Immediately after that, I had to keep myself busy in order to stay sane. I cooked meals to send to my grandma’s house, wrote the obituary, designed and order prayer cards, ordered flowers, printed pictures, made lists, designed the Memorial Mass programs, and created a memorial table for my PawPaw. You know, I kept myself busy. I was afraid that if I hadn’t kept myself busy that I was going to have a complete breakdown. The six days in-between the day he died and the Memorial Mass were hell. I had school plus everything that was happening on my mind. My grandpa wanted to donate his body to science, so there was no funeral home… just a Mass to honor him. In a way that was best, I couldn’t have sat in a funeral home with people constantly coming in and out. I don’t really remember the rest of the month things were chaotic, trying to finish school and process the loss of my grandpa. In that mix was also the packing of the office in the speech room.

June: I began working for an insurance company part-time for the summer break to keep myself occupied. It was fun at first, I didn’t really do much but file, answer phones, go through stuff on the computer databases, ya know the usual secretarial stuff. I had my birthday, wasn’t really feeling it what so ever. We went to Sugarland for a week just to get away from the chaos here. I think that’s about it. Idk. In between working, I was the one to go shopping with my grandma, go to the doctor with her, go every where with her. This had been since my grandpa died, she didn’t want to go anywhere herself. It got frustrating after awhile because as much as I wanted to be there helping her, it reminded me so much of my grandpa and made me miss him even more. That on top of everything else left me crushed with no time to process anything that was happening.

July: The beginning of the month (the 3rd maybe?) we rushed my grandma to the hospital via ambulance because she was having trouble breathing. Five days and two stints later they finally released her, but she decided it was better for her to stay at our house instead of going back home alone. Got pissed at my aunt for deciding that it was more important to go to Texas with her friend then to come to the hospital to take care of my grandma. Now, my house is a three bedroom with an extra person in the house that leaves someone on the sofa. I was kicked out of my room and forced to stay on the sofa. If you know me at all, I spend most of my time in my room, it’s the only place I have to myself, my quiet place. Oh, you should probably keep in mind that my grandma goes to bed at 3 a.m. and wakes up at 7 a.m. thus leaving me to run on her time clock as well. I was completely exhausted, emotionally and physically. I think this is the month that my dad lost his job as well, another issue to deal with…

August: I finished working at the insurance agency, that couldn’t have come at a better time! My grandma moved back to her house, thank goodness. It was good to have her at the house, it was just too much togetherness. Once school was back in session, I was back working with the team. Just in a different capacity than I had in the past. At this point, I was still unsure of what exactly that capacity would be, but I soon learned it. It was still the early transition stages of changing coaching staffs and such. It was stressful, but then again it wasn’t because I kinda stayed away from the team for awhile. I started class again, a semester which I thought was going to be the semester from hell luckily it wasn’t too bad. At this point I was working one day a week and leaving at 3, school two days a week, Maw Maw’s once a week, and then Friday’s to myself. Dad was now home constantly since he chose to work from home selling insurance. Huge change for me who doesn’t get along with him most of the time. Towards the end of the month, we were preparing for a hurricane headed our way.

September: This was a crazy month. Two hurricanes pretty much back to back, luckily they weren’t too too bad. The first one, Gustav, was the worst. My grandparents left town and my grandma came to stay with us. We lost power for twoish days and I was left without a room until she went back to her house. Ike came after that and wasn’t too bad. My nightmare from Ike was waking up to someone beating down the front door and ringing the doorbell constantly. It was quite creepy. Of course I’m to scared to open the door, much less go in the living room so I woke up my brother who in turn darted across the house and woke up my dad to let him answer it. Turns out some stupid people decided that they were going to drive around in the middle of a damn hurricane. Lost control of their car, it flipped and landed upside down in our electricity pole. It was the two people that were in the car that were banging on our door. The pole was split and almost falling. The rest of the night we had two cop cars in the driveway incase it fell into the road. The end of the month was spent preparing for the upcoming tournament at work and catching up on schoolwork.

October: It was this month in which I realized exactly how stressful work was going to be this year. I went from working 8 hours once a week to about 11 hours twice a week on top of school and helping out my grandma. While at school, instead of thinking about school, I was thinking about work and what I had forgotten to do. Besides preparing for tournaments, we had our own tournament to host, a retreat to plan, and a fundraiser to organize. The week we hosted our tournament was super crazy. We had one thing after another on top of a huge list of schools coming and too many people who didn’t know what they were doing. I was stressed to the max. It was then that I knew exactly how this year at work would be. It was frustrating to me because I was so used to the old way and now there is someone new with a whole new mindset on how things are supposed to go. It was tiring, stressful and long and sleepless week. Thank God that only comes around once a year. After that was over, I was able to take a deep breath but didn’t have the time to relax. Between our fundraiser and retreat and preparing for the first major tournament of the season I somehow lost myself. I was drawn into drama that has since plagued the rest of the season for me. I really really contemplated quitting something that I’ve been doing for three years.

November: It was tournament time! All my time outside of school was devoted to preparing kids for the tournament and getting things in order. I started subbing at school as well just to get classroom discipline experience, before I actually start teaching. It was definitely scary to be in charge of teenagers, some of whom are friends of my brother and some of whom I went to high school with. We were in tournament season which kept me busy, hearing kids and such. I was stressed beyond what I thought I could handle and in the midst of traveling with the team. First was the tournament in New Orleans where I was in charge of the group that left after school. Then it was to Chicago, where I had an amazing time with the three kids we took up there. Right after I got back from Chicago, it was thanksgiving. Crazy is the only thing that describes that. Before everyone got here, it was a huge fight at my house over I don’t even know what. Then it was smiley faces for everyone as they arrived until they left. After that I was in my room for the rest of the day, not talking to anyone.

December: Started off the month with another issue at work that left three (if not more) people not talking me. I hate when things like that happen, it makes me not only more self-conscious and paranoid but it hurts. To not have three people speak to you, much less look at you for a few days, it sucked big time. Eventually I decided that it was best to talk to each of them to fix it. At this point I had determined that I had to fix myself. There were things that I needed to do in order to step up to the plate and be a coach rather than their friend. Over the course of three-ish days I had really good conversations with the three of them plus a few others and I definitely knew what I needed to work on. That was definitely a turning point for me. Who had I become and why was I not at all happy with things that were happening? I had a heart-to-heart with some of my closest friends and they could tell that I wasn’t happy with the way things were. I used to be able to be myself at work and that had all changed. I wanted so badly to change yet didn’t know how exactly to go about it. Once I finished school (with a 4.0 I might add), I knew it was time to fix things.

So here I am… ending the year, still as a work in progress but a little happier and more confident than I was. I’m still working through the depression and trying to process all that has happened in the past year, but I know that God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I am working through the craziness and stress and frustration that my life brings. So, my 2009 New Year’s Resolution is to take each day as it comes, to wake up in the morning with a positive attitude, keep blogging (because it helps me not to keep everything inside), to grow up, to truly smile and laugh as much as possible, to talk to someone when things are tough, to take everything with a grain of salt, to realize how great the people in my life really are, to love unconditionally, to be happy with me, to care less about what other people think, to balance my work, to not sweat the small stuff, to go with the flow, and to not be afraid to be me. By doing all these things, I know that I will be a better, happier person which is what I strive to be in 2009. I ask you to support me in these things because I truly want this to be an amazing year! I am excited for what the future holds and hope you are too! Have an amazing 2009! Here’s to a new year and a new me!

Sweet Memories...

As I was cleaning my room tonight, in preperation for a new year and new begining... I came across some stuff that brought back a flood of memories and emotions. In going through piles of paper on my desk, on the floor around my desk, well everywhere actually... I found things and notes that I didn't even know existed. I found notes from my senior year in high school that of course made me cry because I miss those days a lot. I found my agenda and yearbook from freshman year at UA. Wow... how I miss who I was then! I think thats the last time I was truly myself with everyone. Sure since then I've been myself, but only around certain groups of people. I'm so afraid of rejection (I guess is the term) that I only feel comfortable around people that I know will accept me for me, i.e. my speech family and close friends. With everyone else I'm really really quiet and insecure. I miss my UA days and actually I want to get the sense of self and happiness that I had then back. For that reason, I am looking forward to this new year. I have many many hopes to not be afraid to be myself, to have more fun, to love unconditionally, and to laugh as much as possible. In cleaning, I also found a letter that a friend whom I've since lost touch with wrote me. She somehow captured everything that I used to be and long for in that letter. It definently reminded me that I can do it, even though it may take time and a lot of energy it will be worth it in the end. I know that no matter how much I want to be the person that I was when I was at UA, I won't be exactly the same. Of course I won't, that was almost seven years ago. My life has been impacted by so many amazing people, experiences, difficulties, and joys. I have matured and learned a heck of a lot since then! I am hoping that I can put the past behind me, and move on. Another thing I found while cleaning that hit me pretty hard was a poem written for me by a friend. I'm not even sure if this person remembers it, since its been years but I sure do. Everytime I read it, I cry happy tears because I know how much that person has had an impact on my life and I'd be truely lost without them. I also found a whole bunch of pictures... pictures from middle school and high school. It was so scary to see those pictures, yet each of them told a story and brought me back to the moment they were taken. I think that's why I love taking pictures so much... they are truly worth a thousand words! It's so strange to think that there is only a little over one day left in 2008. Where has the time gone? I'm ready for a new begining, one that will be positive and encouraging.

Onto the happenings of today: I really didn't do to much. I finished cutting that darn book, although I'm still not happy with the cutting. Oh well! I started reading another book to cut for a duet, hopefully I'll finish cutting it before the end of next week. I'm hoping to get a lot done tomorrow, but who knows. I've kinda been "go with the flow" lately, which is kind of exciting because before this break, I was so "everything has to be on a schedule and if you screw it up, I can't function". I am proud to say that I'm trying to break that habit in certain situations. There are other situations when I have to have a schedule with a bit of structure (i.e. work). I am trying to be more flexible and accepting of change though. We shall see!

I'll post the "Year In Review" post tomorrow with my thoughts on the past year and hopes for the year to come! Until then love.

Change is coming...

I was going through some old old stuff and found one of my old poetry programs on identity and not being afraid of who you are. It was so ironic, being that identity is my current personal struggle. While reading through it, I found this poem:

I keep my paintbrush with me, wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up, so the real me doesn’t show. I’m so afraid to show you me; afraid of what you’ll do, I’m afraid you’ll laugh or say mean things; afraid I might lose you. I’d like to remove all the layers, to show you the real, true
me, but I want you to try to understand; I need you to like
what you see. So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes, I’ll remove the coats real slow, please understand how much it hurts, to let the real me show.

I think this is one of my main struggles, the fear of not being accepted for who I am. I know for certain that my closest friends will always be there for me and I for them, no matter how much we change. But its the others that I'm not sure about. It was really reassuring to talk to a friend today, we hadn't really spoken in awhile and I was afraid I had done something wrong. It was comforting to talk to him today and to have his support in the change that is to come. I think he kinda knows what I'm going through. I talked to another close friend tonight who I hadn't really had a deep conversation with in the past few months. I'm so blessed to have her in my life and didn't realize how much I truely missed our conversations and missed seeing her in general! Today was so encouraging to me. I know I have the support of my friends though this journey that I know will be a long and hard one. My heart has never been this broken before and it scares me to take this inward journey to repair it. I have been so worried about pleasing others and looking okay on the outside that I've been neglecting myself. It hurts to know that I can't put my whole self into everything that I do because I'm not being real to myself. I'm so blessed to have the friends that I do, they are always there to lend an ear and always have the perfect thing to say. I hope that I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me. I've been so exhausted lately - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think I'm finally ready to be me, even though I'm not quite sure what all that intails. There is a big part of me missing. My life is in pieces and I have to work on slowly picking them up, dusting them off, and putting them back together. This past year has been really hard for me and I know its been hard for others as well. I'm so ready for things to be normal again, where I don't have to constantly concentrate on not crying or putting a fake smile on my face. So, change is coming. I know that it will be a positive change, one that hopefully includes confidence and hope, joy and laughter, friendships and love, smiles and hugs. I know that this change will not make things perfect, because there is no such thing as perfect. I know that there will still be tears and sorrow but I just don't want it to be in control of my life anymore. I truely am blessed to have friends that can make me laugh no matter how much pain I'm in. I love you all to death! Until tomorrow.

Wipe the pissy look off your face and put a smile on...

We've all heard that at least once in our lifetimes, but what happens when the fake smiles can no longer mask the hurt that's inside? What happens when you've lost yourself in the midst of trying to please others? What happens when you start becoming what you've told yourself you'd never be? These are the kinds of things that have been going through my head lately. I'm tired of pretending everythings okay. I'm tired of being broken inside. I'm tired of smiling when I'm falling apart inside. I'm tired of hearing that I'll never be good enough or that you feel sorry for whoever I marry. I think that I am fully capable of becoming an amazing wife and mother. It's what I've wanted for so long and I'm not giving up because you don't think I'm good enough. I am a firm believer that there is someone out there just for me, my soulmate. I'm just tired of being patient and ready for him to show up. I'm ready for a positive change, I'm ready to have someone there for me as a constant support, I'm ready to love someone with everything I have and to recieve the same in return. Anyway, since I'm not in control of that situation at the moment I'll move on to something else. I've done a lot of thinking in the past few days. Thinking about the past, present, future, work, life, family, friends, faith, etc. Its something thats needed to happen and without it happening I can't take the necessary steps to becoming happy again. I'm devoting this week to me time in preperation for the new year. I have huge hopes and dreams for this coming year and have to prepare myself for them mentally and emotionally. I'm not really going to get into that until my "year in review" post later this week. I'm hoping this works because I don't like what I'm becoming.

Anyway, I slept till 10:00 this morning! Thats almost a miracle! That doesn't happen very often at all and it felt amazing! I've been staying up later than normal lately but still waking up between 7:30 & 8 so it felt great to sleep a little later! It just doesn't feel as if I'm caught up on my sleep yet. It also doesn't seem like Christmas time to me. It seems like Christmas was awhile back, until I walked into Church tonight and there were trees and pointsettias all over Church. For some reason things were different tonight, Church has become my sense of peace in a chaotic and fustrating world. Tonight I ran into an old friend, it was so good to see her! It is so often that I forget how amazing some of the people that I used to be really close to are! I'm ready to start new, and I know that I can't fix some of the friendships that I've neglected in the past but that doesn't stop me from establishing new and amazing friendships.

O well, that's all I have for tonight I'm pretty tired! Until tomorrow, love.

Merry Christmas... a day late

So yesterday was amazing, thus is why I didn't post! Everyone was coming over for lunch yesterday, so when I woke up at 9ish it was time to get to work. I was in charge of the bread and the macaroni and cheese. The macaroni and cheese is a new thing for me, I inherited the task for thanksgiving and I suppose that'll be "my dish" from now on. The recipe that we use is a cousin's interpreatation of my grandma's aunt's recipe. Since it's Nannie Bea's recipe each time I make it, I tweak it. Apparently yesterday's was pretty close to the original that we grew up with. Anyway, it was supposed to be our family, my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle so we had all kinds of stuff planned and ready to go. This was the menu: turkey, pork loin, ham, green beans, macaroni, yams, cornbread dressing, and bread. My aunt and uncle decided Christmas Eve that they weren't coming in so it was just the 7 of us. We have so much food left over! After everyone ate, took leftovers and went home, we unwrapped presents at the house. I was totally shocked, mom knows me so well! She bought me a beautiful silver and pearl birthstone ring - I had no idea! We laughed and laughed. It was great, it kinda felt like we were a normal family for once. After presents, bubba and dad went outside to set up the weight bench and mom and I watched the begining of sisterhood of the traveling pants. Eventually we went to my grandma's to open presents. Hahahaha, that was funny. So we're sitting, talking, laughing, and such. Bubba handed out presents and so we start the rotation. My gramma likes to clean with gloves.. i don't know the whole story but anyway we bought her these elbow length black rubber gloves with black and white polka dot cuffs. They are so funny, but she loves them! My grandpa's funny gift was his meat mallet. He has this old old old old one that I used to play with growing up. Needless to say it no longer has a handle, so now when he needs one he'll call to see if we have one (to which the answer is always no) and then he hooks a vice grip to the end of the thingy and pounds whatever he needs to, so it was definently time for a new one. Anyway... it was a fun night that lasted well into this morning with conversations with some amazing people!

Today, I slept till 10, cleaned house, redesigned my cross collection on my wall (I'm up to 10 now), cooked dinner, cleaned some more, painted, and sang really really really loud! Hahaha, that was all I did... nothing productive. I lie I read a few cuttings and rearranged some things for work.

Tomorrow, I have no idea whats going on... possibly shopping? who knows!

Until then, love!

Interesting...

I took this personality test thingy and I'm a tie between:

Type 2: The Helper - Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.
Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved. Basic Desire: To feel loved.

Type 6: The Loyalist - The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.
Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance. Basic Desire: To have security and support.

The scary part is that it's actually true! I think I'm an equal combination of the two... do you?

Another crappy holiday...

Happy Christmas Eve... today was absolutely amazing until an hour and a half ago. We had Christmas at my grandmas with my cousins and then when to Mass. And then everything kinda blew up, which once again its my fault. Now I'm locked in my room for the night, bawling my eyes out. I feel like I'm the odd one out in my house. My mom and I get along pretty well, my brother and I get along sometimes, and my dad and I don't get along at all. It hurts bad not to get along with him. I really don't feel like he loves me since pawpaw died. When pawpaw was sick and I was spending two days at week at their house he and I got along just fine. Sometimes I wish that pawpaw wouldn't have died because thats when he loved me, or at least it felt like he did. Now he can't stand me becasue I'm close to mom and that takes away from his time with her. He's told me this numerous times... so what am I not supposed to talk to my mom? I mean shit grow up what the f**k do you think having kids will do? Like really? Is it wrong that I talk to my mom? Am I only supposed to talk to my brother? Well who am I supossed to vent to? I guess I just shouldn't talk to anyone at home. Apparently I'm the b**** in my house, which I mean I can be at times but I really don't think I am most of the time. I guess thats where the problem lies, I don't see what I do wrong and how am I supposed to improve when you don't take the time to help me to see it nonconfrontationally. If you confront me and yell at me, yea I'll get pissed and probably react with an attitude. If you talk to me about it and be nonconfrontational about it, I'll try to work on it. My self-esteem/self-confidence isn't that great so I take a lot really personally. When you constantly embarass me in front of people, not only my family but people I consider friends, strangers, and people I have to see again - I will get pissed. I don't appreciate you making fun of me... its a completely different story when I'm ok with what your talking about. I embrace my stupidity most of the time, but there are somethings that happen that I don't want to leave where it happened. This is mostly true when the thing that happens upsets me in the first place. Normally if you say something that I feel is making fun of me, I will let you know after the fact that I didn't appreciate it. If you do it again, intentially after I told you it pissed me off I will be extremely pissed. This is something that I guess had a part in today. Another factor was that I'm pmsing. Most people know that when its that time of the month, leave me alone. I'm more self-contious than normal, more easily upset, known for crying for unknown reasons, more vulnerable, in pain, and really really really easily pissed. Just let me be and I'll be fine, or make me laugh and I'll be much better. I guess I'm just the problem, it is always my fault. I just wish that things would be normal...

I did not make it, it is making me...

The past two days have been "chill" days. I really have not gotten anything accomplished other than catching up on sleep, relaxing, and a tad bit of cleaning in preperation for everyone coming over for Christmas dinner. I am so so so so thankful for the break! It has become a chance for me to rest, regroup, and actually take time for me which is amazing every once and awhile. Its been amazing to be home all day and actually be able to cook dinner and not be rushed about it! Last night we had some homemade black bean soup and tonight I made spaghetti with chicken meatballs and broccolli! It was soo good, if I do say so myself! My meatballs were simple - just ground chicken breast, an egg, breadcrumbs, and parmasean cheese! It was an experiment that will definently be a redo in my house! Last night, was girls night (dad and michael had a meeting) so we spent the night wrapping Christmas presents and laughing hysterically! It was so much fun. Tonight was just spent by myself singing along with the radio pretty loud. A lot of times music is the only thing that calms me and I often find myself using it as a form of prayer. Sometimes songs have the perfect words that I've been searching for. I so can't believe that its Christmas already! Time goes by so darn fast! I'm so excited to see my cousins tomorrow, I love them to death. Unfortunately, they'll only be in town for tomorrow so it'll be a short visit!

Christmas Eve Agenda: Getting some last minute cleaning and baking a cornbread in the morning. Unwrapping presents at MawMaws early tomorrow afternoon and then ending the planned activities with 4:00 Mass in the SCS Gym!

Have an amazing Christmas Eve! Until next time love.

Working on me...

This weekend has been soley devoted to me working on me. There is so much going on in my life, that I need to devote some serious time to getting myself in order before I can mend broken friendships and move on to future ones. I started the thinking process Friday and it will continue for awhile. There are a lot of things that have happened that I regret, and I blame myself for all of them. I miss the way things used to be, when decisions were simple and friends were always there. Unfortunately since I started college, that has all changed. I am completely unhappy with who I'm becoming. I don't want to be a negative person and always pissed, upset, or depressed. I guess admitting that I'm not happy with me is the first step to changing it. There is no one besides myself that can change me and my attitude. Sometimes I wish there was someone who could change me, but I know thats not a possibility. I know that this is something I have to do, to attempt to fix things. I know that I have been blessed throughout my life a feel horrible for being so depressed and negative about things. I'm nervous about what the future holds. I hope that it has a lot of laughter, happiness, smiles, and a few tears here and there. I hope that the future is all that I dream of and more. I hope that I still stay in touch with my current friends then. I do have to say my friends are amazing, and hopefully they understand everything thats going on nvm I know they understand thats why they're my friends. Thanks for being so amazing and I love yall!

Good News!

Well, dad's test this morning went pretty well. They didn't find any blockage in his heart which is amazing. This is the third time he's had this procedure done, and this is the third time they haven't found any blockage! Soo good news! The only thing he found was that his heart function was a little low, which he blamed on the Cajun Disease (overweight) and that he feels that it's reversable.

Other than dad's test, nothing really happened today. For some reason I'm not feeling all that great, don't know why though! We got to the hospital at 6ish this morning and left at 1ish. Once we finally got home, I ate some lunch. MawMaw sent some Chicken Cornbread Dressing, it was amazing! I am so not a huge beef eater, but I love cornbread dressing so discovering this new but apparently classic dish was amazing. After lunch, I took a 3 hour nap... the first one this week, it was great! I'm still exhausted though, so I think I'm going to bed a little early tonight! By the time I woke up it was like 5ish and I didn't feel like doing a thing, so I curled up on the couch and watched a movie and now I'm here typing this and listening to "Say Yes To The Dress" on TLC.

I'm really excited about seeing my team tomorrow! Its sad to say that it's been less than a week since I've seen them, but I miss them a lot! I've done a lot of thinking (and not thinking) about that stuff and I'm completely pumped about this coming semester! I think I just need these little breaks to realize how much I love what I do and that this IS the right place for me. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for the world, even though its super stressful!

Funny moment from last night's meeting: I was sitting at the table eating dinner with the parents, my grandma, and a few other KC's. My grandma asked my dad if he wanted her meat becuase she was tired of meat. We proceeded to talk about protein and maybe that's why her back has been hurting her, because she hasn't been getting enough protein. She immediately looked at me and said: "Well I did have protein today, I had potatoes for lunch". It was a priceless moment, we had a good laugh!

A quick update...

Here's a quick version of how this week went. It was actually a pretty relaxing and stressfree week for me!

Tuesday and Wednesday were about the same for me. Mom was off of work so we ran errands and made Christmas candy for her coworkers! It has been YEARS since she and I had made candy and must admit that it was pretty amazing! We made: toffee, peanut butter cups, almond joys, mounds, peppermint patties, petit fours, chocolate covered cherries, and attempted to make caramel. The caramel was the only thing that didn't really work, I think its actually still in the fridge hardening as I type. It was so much fun and relaxing for me to be in the kitchen, idk for some reason cooking is theraputic for me. We finally finished everything at 7ish last night and probably would have done more if we would have had the time! It was so fun just to be able to relax and get messy in the kitchen! I'm so excited that everything came out as well as it did! It was quite yummy and I'll have to do it again really soon!

Today was my "chill day". My day to process everything that was going on, it was the perfect oportunity since I was home by myself almost all day! I'm a lot more relaxed and less edgy. I had come to hate who I was becoming becuase of the lack of sleep and emotional processing time (I was truely emotionally exausted). I needed today to recoup and regroup in preperation for what lies ahead. Tonight was an open KC meeting that the whole family went to with dad. It was a lot more emotional for me than I thought. Mr. Glen from LARC was there to present the counsel with an "Angel Award" for all their hard work and genorisity. He started talking about my grandpa, who loved LARC with all his heart and pushed for the KCs to constantly support them. He read a letter that he wrote to my gramma right after my grandpa's passing. I cried. I didn't want to cry but I did, a lot. I miss him, its soo odd for him not to be here with us.

Tomorrrow... dad is having an angeogram done at the heart hospital. This is like his third one in the past 6 years. I'm hoping that things go okay tomorrow, I'm so nervous!

Lately I've had this huge issue with falling asleep. Not trouble falling asleep, but falling asleep at the most random times. Its almost like when I'm tired I pass out from exaustion. For example, the other night I fell asleep while typing a blog, or talking on facebook, or texting, or watching tv (I normally fall asleep watching tv anyway, thats nothing new). But its strange. So tonight I'm typing my blog and chatting on facebook sitting up to be sure I don't fall asleep!

Anyway, I'm off to bed because we're leaving for the hospital at 6:00 a.m.! If you happen to be reading this, say a prayer! Thanks love!

Saturday/Sunday/Monday

Saturday

So, Saturday was day 2 of the tournament... it went really well and I'm pretty pumped for future tournaments. After this weekend we have 60% of the team qualified for state in at least one event! Yey! The team placed first overall which was super exciting as well! We're finally coming back and I'm seeing the benefits of all the hard work. I had some really good conversations with a few people and am excited about what the future holds. The tournament was completely random overall. I helped change a flat tire in the parking lot of the host school, it took the three of us over an hour to put on the spare. Lol. Then as usual, the kids know how to make things better... I seriously sat outside with them and laughed for what seemed like hours. After awards, we always end with dinner somewhere. We had reservations at Johnny Corinos where they shoved the 50 or so of us into two seperate rooms. I ended up being in the room with the majority of the team and had a blast. I am so proud of my team, the stress and nervousness was so worth it! It was so fun though, we definently have memories to last awhile. After dinner I went home, grabbed my bags and went to my grandmas for the night. I got there at like 9-9:30ish and things were crazy! My cousins, one whos 26 and her daughter whos 4 and her nephew who is 7 were there along with my brother, grandma, and aunt. They were at the table wrapping presents for the Christmas party and the kids were in the back playing. I had a lot to do, but before any of that happened we had to catch up! So eventually, all the presents got wrapped, name bracelets got made, and packages double checked. By the time things settled down it was almost 3 a.m. Before getting ready for bed, I went check on my cousin (the 7 year old) who was supposed to be playing his playstation. He had fallen asleep in the bed I was going to sleep in, so I ended up on the floor. It is so hard for me to sleep on the floor, but I think I ended up getting 3ish hours of sleep.

Sunday

Sunday was party day! We have the party every year (and have ever since I can remember) for the elementary special ed kids in our parish. After waking up at like 6ish, I started getting ready and left around 8 to go set up. I was so thankful that some of the guys went early and set up all the tables and chairs! One less thing I had to do! I set up the Christmas tree, unloaded presents, kept an eye on my cousin, and sliced my thumb open on a broken ornament all pretty soon after I got there. I think what helped me was that I was so busy, that I didn't have time to process everything that was going on. We had a total of 56 kids, a lot less than in the past probably due to inclusion and fewer students in the fully restrictive special ed classroom. Of course, I had my favorite kids who were completely adorable and so thankful. I'm almost glad that it was smaller because it gave me time to breathe! After the party I went home, attempted to take a nap, went to Mass, came home and attempted to read ballots, and eventually passed out from exhaustion.

Monday

Monday was my workday for the week. Becuase it's midterm week at work, Monday and Tuesday were their only full days of school this week. I spent the morning working on lesson plans and getting organized in the library. Then that afternoon, I moved to the speech room to get things organized there. I finally had the time to go through and file all the ballots from this semesters tournaments and then reworked duo/duet teams which ended up completely stressing me out! I'm still in the process of figuring that stuff out in order to maximize workability and state qualifiers. I'm not really sure what to do, what pieces to give, and who to put with who. I know things will work out. Although I was a bit stressed at times, it was an overall good day! You know its a good day, when you laugh so hard you cry! My day was made better when I checked my semester grades to find out that I finished with a 4.0 GPA, thats right I have a 4.0! It's about damn time! Lol. I am so excited and I proved to myself that I can do it and that I am actually smart! By no means was this an easy semester! Hopefully, I can do this again before I graduate. 6 semesters down, 3 to go! I'm so ready to graduate and be able to teach and coach full time!

Friday...

Ok so... I am finally having the chance to update for the first time in what seems like forever.

Friday: My day started at 6:30, I was hoping to sleep a lot later but had issues staying asleep probably due to nerves. After just laying in the quietness of my room, thinking about things, I got up at 9:00ish. After taking my shower and rushing to get ready, my grandma came and picked me up to go on shopping trip #2 for the special ed Christmas party. We had 25 more kids to shop for which ended up being 3 hours spent in Walmart. Keep in mind that it was 12:15 when I got in the truck to come home and I had to leave my house at 1:00 to head to work. I was rushed once I got home to eat lunch, get dressed, put makeup on, etc. Fortunately, I still got there a little early... I was a little stressed, but good! As usual on tournament weekends, I'm normally more stressed than the kids. I think the reason why I get so nervous is because I want them to perform to the best of their ability and not be disappointed in their events. I also want them to go in there prepared, which sometimes I'm not too sure if they are. I know most of that is stuff that I can't control, but it still makes me nervous. By the end of the night, my heart torn. I was so excited for my team after they posted breaks to semis but I was pissed beyond belief because of a conversation that I had with someone. I was so so so so so so so mad. It was hard to bite my tongue and not say anything to anyone about it. Ummm by the time I got home I had to find someone to vent to. Thank God for my amazing friends that let me vent no matter what time it is or how little sense what I'm saying makes. Eventually, after calming down, I was able to sleep and thankfully slept really well just to wake up and do it again in the morning.

Hanging in there...

Bear with me... this weekend has been crazy! I slept on the floor last night which basically translates into no sleep for me! Its been a good weekend and I promise to post tomorrow after work so don't give up on me!

I'm Done!

So... I was to preoccupied with drama and attempting to study for finals to post last night! But... now I'll be posting more often since I'm finished with school until January! Hopefully, having one less thing to worry about will allow me time to comprehend everything that has been going on lately. I just have to get through this weekend first!

I'm so ready for things to be "normal" again. I was talking to someone yesterday and made the comment about how "different" things were this year, she made the comment of how broad of a term that is. That is why today I've put both of those words in quotes, although they are no bigger than nine letters put together, they hold so much meaning and emotions. By "normal" I don't at all mean perfect. I mean sanity, calm-ness, laughter, uninterupted sleep, organization, hope, and love. I know that as much as I want things to be like they used to be I know they won't ever be, no matter how hard I try or how much I wish it weren't true.

In order to better explain the chaos, I'll break it down day by day.

Yesterday started out great... I cried, but for a completely different reason than I have been these past few weeks. I cried because I was laughing so hard. It had been forever since I laughed that hard, and sadly I don't remember what was so funny! It was an overall crazy day: distributing my time between speech and other things in the library. I ended up having a pretty productive day. Yesterday afternoon is when things got kinda crazy. I subbed and then supervised my first team meeting by myself at work. It was definently crazy and stressful and overwhelming, especially since it was on the spur of the moment. I had to yell a few times but they finally listened. I was quite a bit overwhelmed and flustered by the time I left work at 6ish. I was confident in my abilities for the first time in awhile which was amazing for me. I had another breakdown again last night because of work, but I actually told someone with more authority than me how I felt and how fustrated I was. I know that I can't do this forever, emotionally or physically. I talked to a few people last night and have a bit more positive outlook on the future. I know that I care a lot, sometimes too much for my own good because I tend to take a lot to heart and it tears me down. I have to work on that, on being there and supportive but not beating myself up about it. So eventually I got home and was supposed to start studying for this morning's final and finish the take-home part of that final. I really didn't start doing anything until like 8:30 last night and fell asleep by 10:30. I was supposed to wake up and study first thing, but that didn't happen.

Today started with my cell phone ringing at 5:30ish this morning. It ended up being one of the people I talked to last night, so I immediately thought something was wrong. Fortunately, I was wrong. They had called to tell me to go outside because it was snowing. At first I didn't believe them... but it was so true. Yes thats right, it snowed in Southern Louisiana today! So needless to say rather than studying for my final, I played in the snow! It snowed enough for my brother to make snowmen, a snow angel and countless snowballs. It was so much fun! Once I finally got to school to take my final, I only had like 15 minutes to study. I took my final and am not too sure how things went. All I know is that it only took me like 30-40 minutes to take it! At like 10ish this morning I headed off to work and ended up cleaning the classroom, rather than finish cutting my book. Now that school's done with, I have a stack of like 8ish books that I need to cut! I'm quite excited for actually attempting to get them done! So after I got to work, I decided to start cleaning the room which unfortunately you can't tell I've done anything! Today was a lot less emotional and didn't waste anytime.

Well, I'm exausted so I'm going to bed. Hopefully I can sleep pretty late tomorrow morning just to be able to relax and catch up on sleep. I have a tournament this weekend and then the Christmas party on Sunday. Until tomorrow...

The past two days...

I'm not really sure how things have gotten this bad. Two weeks ago, everything was fine. Now I'm a complete mess. Last night I had a complete breakdown and after today I think it needed to happen. There has been a lot going on lately and a lot of bottled up emotions. For some reason work brings up a lot of these emotions. In talking to a few friends last night, a lot came to the surface. There is a lot of stuff that I need to work on, professionally and personally. I am so grateful for having friends that are honest with me and help me to become a better person. Last night was hard for me - it was hard for me to let go and breakdown, it was hard for me to hear and accept, the truth, it was hard for me to admit some things, it was hard for me to be completely open, it was hard for me to put my heart on the line, and it was hard for me to admit that I'm scared to death of what is going to happen. I wish last night could have fixed everything, but I know it can't. I have so much to learn, so much to think about and so far to grow. In a way this is coming at the perfect time, at a time where I won't have class to worry about and where I can actually take the time to process things. I'm scared of what this thinking thing will bring about, but I know in the end I will be happy again. I truely miss being happy, being completely happy. I've spent so much time stuck in the middle and not being able to be myself. I'm ready to figure this crap out and be myself again. I know exactly what I have to do, its just to find the inner strength and courage to do it. For this to be successful, I need you to help me. I need you to help keep me in line. I need you to be completly honest with me, no matter how harsh it may be. I need you to understand how hard this is for me. I need you to tell me when I'm overstepping my boundaries at work, because I don't always notice. I need you to remind me that as much as I want to, I can't FIX everything. I need you to remind me to take a deep breath and that things will be okay. I need you to be my support, to be there to listen and to give me a hug when I'm having a rough day. By no means will the comming weeks be full of rainbows and sunshine, they will be full of tears and sadness. But this is what I need, I can't stay in the position I am for much longer. I am hopeful that it will be worth it in the end. I know in my heart things will work out.

On another note, I'm almost finished with the semester! My last final is Thursday at 8:00 a.m. and then I won't have any school stuff to worry about, besides the praxis, until January! I'm so ready for the break! My organic final yesterday was pretty darn crazy! Twelve pages and 26 questions, half of which I had nothing in my notes on. Ugh... thats so fustrating! But what's done is done there isn't anything I can do now to fix it. Grades probably won't come out until Monday night so I will be a nervous wreck until then. I know for sure that I have A's in 2 of my classes which I'm excited about!

I think that's all I have for today.... until tomorrow!

Overwhelmed...

I can't find the strength to post about today yet. I'll post about today, tomorrow!

But I suppose I'll leave you with the funny moment of today. So there was this squirrel on campus today that decided he was going to steal someone's poptart. So I'm following this squirrel down the walk of honor (not on purpose)... and every few steps he drops the poptart (because obviously it's almost bigger than him) but picks it up again. Apparently I got too close to comfort for him, so he drops the poptart and hides behind the brick column like to attack me if I were to touch the darn thing. So as I pass he darts back to the brown sugar poptart and breaks it into three pieces. Before he picks up each piece he looks around to see if anything is watching, then quickly grabs the first one and runs up the tree. A few seconds later he grabs the second piece and burries it once he's certain there are no other creatures watching. He then quickly darts back to where he dropped it and grabs the final piece before darting up another tree. I guess he was saving it for later. Hahaha, maybe you had to be there and know the squirrels at school!

Until tomorrow...

Wow...

Today was quite interesting... I woke up earlier than I wanted to (8:30ish) this morning. I organized and read through all the ballots from this weekend to get a picture of the big things that I need to work with the kids on this week in preperation for this weekend's tournament. After that, I had to clean house because we had people coming over this afternoon. Oh and I cooked some amazing rice and gravy, well I thought it was amazing at least. Lol. Umm.... yea so when my dad's boss got here for the meeting I locked myself in my room to study. Yea that didn't happen at all! I think I studied for maybe 30 minutes then fell asleep for a few hours. I needed a nap though, I feel a heck of a lot better since I slept. This afternoon was kinda emotional for a few reasons. First, the meeting at my house today was pretty exausting and stressful. The Special Ed Christmas Party is exactly a week from today but more about that later. M was upset today which didn't make things better, I kinda felt bad for being in a semi-good mood. I had two really good conversations with two amazing people today. One, I didn't really know that an hour could bring back so many memories and so many feelings. No doubt they were really good feelings about my high school days, it made me think about how I'm definently not that person anymore. I kinda long to be that person again, just with the maturity and knowledge that I have now. It seems like yesterday to me that I was that person, but in reality its been almost 3 years. Gosh how time flies. The second conversation I had today gave me a lot of excitement and energy for this week. She agrees with the fact that I have a lot to work on but made me feel good about what direction I'm in as well as suggestions to get through the week. I have some things that I need to talk to someone about which stemmed from conversations with parents this weekend, hopefully that goes smoothly tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the new week and hope that it's better than last. I also hope that finals go smoothly, even though I can't motivate myself to study. My goal is a 3.8 for the semester (ahh only 1 B allowed)! I would love a 4.0 but need to keep my goals feesable so I don't get too disappointed! I have two finals tomorrow, Organic Chemistry and Technology in the Classroom which really isn't a final, we have to go to class to watch the iMovies and podcasts that we made. After that I'm going into work and ending the day with Mass since its a Holy Day of Obligation. Speaking of Mass, I kinda zoned out today. I couldn't even attempt to explain the homily, which I kinda feel bad about. I remeber Fr. Keith opening it with a joke and then somehow he talked about veggies and connected it to the Gospel. Anyway, the Special Ed Christmas Party is this coming Sunday. I'm so nervous and need to spend the week preparing for it. The Christmas Party is something that my grandpa was on the founding committee for. Basically what it is, is the school board distributes flyers to all the Special Ed students in Lafayette Parish Elementary Schools. They then call my grandmas house to RSVP and the parents suggest a toy for Santa to bring the kids. We normally go to Walmart, buy toys and wrap them for Santa to deliver at the party. It started off really small and increased to about 170 kids last year. This year becuase of the popularity of full inclusion, at the moment we only have like 30. I would love if it stays this small just because it's a lot less stressful and I can spend more time with the kids. They are so cute and love attention! So yea, with this being the first year without my grandpa helping us out it'll be really hard. So this week besides studying for finals and working all week, I'll be preparing emotionally for Sunday's party. O well, I better go study my functional groups and IUPAC names for tomorrow morning! Until tomorrow...

Finally, A First Place!

Warning: this is going to be a short post, I've been up since 5:30 a.m. and am incredibly exausted.

Anywho... The team had a tournament this weekend, so guess where I was today! It was totally fun though, especially tonight. It started off really awkward, though. There was a lot of tension from things that had happened earlier in the week and year. Ummm... so yea. At like two-ish the head coach had to leave, leaving me in charge which was totally nerve-racking! I had to make "big girl" decisions about some things that happened and yea, I'm pleased with the outcome. I do have to admit I have the absolute greatest team parents! They were so willing to do anything and everything as well as constantly support me (which I tend to need a lot of lately). I am so proud of the kids, they have been through a lot this year but still continue to perservere. I think we qualified kids for state in sevenish events this weekend and took home our first, 1st place sweeps trophy of the season! I hope the good work continues through next weekend! I had a few great talks with some amazing people. They made me realize a lot and I know that in the end it'll make me a better person and coach. I'm greatful for being able to talk to them, in a sense it lifted a burden off my shoulders so now hopefully I can sleep all night tonight! Anyway, I'm off to bed. I have a day of studying and getting organized ahead of me tomorrow!

Life as of now...

On April 1 of this year, my life changed forever. After rushing my grandpa to the hospital and staying there all day, he was diagnosed with untreatable lung and liver cancer. My life, which the week before, had been devoted to school, speech, family, and friends - was now devoted strictly to family. I didn't care about anything anymore. I went from working on Mondays and Wednesdays and going to school 0n Tuesdays and Thursdays to going to school and spending all my time at my grandparents house caring for my grandpa. I was blessed to have Wednesdays to get away from the chaotic family stuff on Wednesday and spend my day working with the speech team. It turned into my only out. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing in the world for spending those two days a week with my grandpa for his last four weeks and four days. Since he's passed away, things have kinda been at a standstill. I have had so much more than I ever expected added to my plate. In addition to school, work and maintaining relationships with my family and friends - I've become what my grandma likes to refer to me as "her body guard". My grandma hardly ever goes anywhere outside of a three mile radius from her house by herself. I'm the one to go with her to the grocery, walmart, the doctor, the dmv, and anywhere else that she may need to go. That took so much to get used to, when before I was so used to doing things on my own. Once I felt like I kinda had control of my life again, we had to rush my grandma to the hospital to get two stints put in her heart. After that week long hospital stay, she moved in with us for a little over a month. When she moved back to her house and I was able to move back into my room, it was pretty close to school starting. I knew that this year would be different at work becuase of a major coaching staff change, but I didn't realize how different it was going to be. I went from working one day a week from 7:30-4:30 to working from 2:00-5:00 on Mondays and 7:15-5:15 on Wednesdays when I'm lucky, a lot of times its later than that before I leave. I have never contemplated quitting a job as much as I have in these past few months, but in my heart I know I never could. The team as given me so much in the six years that I have been involved with it that I could never imagine my life without it. I love it so much, that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I hope that I can give back to the team as much as it has given to me. This week, my uncle (who is paralyzed from the shoulders down) was put in the hospital and we still have no idea whats going on. It's really hard for me to talk about what and how I feel, so instead I hold it in and probably seem really distant. So in the end, I apologize for all the relationships I've neglected in the past few months and am hoping that blogging will help me from keeping everything bottled up and at the same time give yall an insite into what I'm going through. Without yall, I have no idea where I would be. I cherish each of my friendships and hope that you can bear with me as I try and pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together again.

Hi...

So this is my first official entry in yet another blog. I'm hoping that I'll actually keep up with updating this one!

A few things you should know about me before I begin.

• I am a very sensitive person, I take everything way to personally.
• I work and I have "worked" at the same place for the past three years but currently am not getting paid for it.
• My job means the world to me and hopefully that will never change.
• I'm a full time student, hopefully I'll begin teaching in a year and a half.
• I have an amazing family, but I don't get along with them all the time.
• I get down on myself really easily.
• I am really quiet at first, but once I get to know you I never shut up.

I think that's about it for now, until next time!