Why is it that when things seem like the are finally moving in the positive direction, that the thoughts and painful words that were uttered are so fresh in my mind. Racing through my thoughts like it happened yesterday with wounds that seem deeper now than they originally did. Today it's the following statements that are replaying over and over and over again in my head:

1.) We set you up for failure from the beginning.

2.) It's your actions that tore the team apart.

3.) You didn't set up boundaries but ________ did, that is why you're in the position you're in.

4.) As we were sitting down to lunch, ________ showed me that text and immediately I knew those were your words and not his.

5.) You are the one that started every ounce of drama this year.

6.) The kids went to you with everything: when they didn't like what I said they went straight to you.

7.) You did more harm than good for the kids.

8.) You are the reason we lost.

9.) Get over it, don't you think it's been long enough.

10.) No one cares.

11.) You will never be able to succeed, you're not good enough.

It is these eleven things that play over and over again in my head. As if on repeat, constantly haunting my thoughts and my feelings. I know these things aren't true... none of them are. I just feel as though I'm trapt like a child who has been told they are retarded all their life and due to the self-fufilling prophecy this has come true. This is my biggest fear that I will start believing all the lies that I have been accused of and they turn into my self-fufilling prophecy. I know I'm better than all the lies I've been surrounded with in the past few months and I know that I'm better than the people that have devised these lies. I just feel trapt by the negativity and the constant reminder of the people surrounding them. I find my self becoming something I don't want to be but don't know how to escape. I know that I have some beautiful friends who have and continue to support me along this troublesome path of grief. I say grief because I think that's the best way to sum up my emotions. It wasn't just a job for me, it was my life. The kids were my kids and the shock of going from seeing them almost everyday to never seeing them is killing me.




I guess what I long for not really in this particular situation but in general is best summed up by a Natalie Grant song: "I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. I want to be worthy of love and beautiful." I also long for so much more than being worthy of love... I want to be loved. I want to feel like I've made a difference. I want to leave a positive impression. I want to feel like I belong. I want to teach. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to love unconditionally. I want to have fun with life. I want to cherish my friendships. I want to care because it's the right thing to do. I want to not be afraid to be myself. I want to be there for my friends. I want to posess unwavering hope. I want to love like I've never been hurt.