For some reason I feel like there is this huge burden lifted off my shoulders. A burden that has weighed me down all lent and for many many months before that. A burden that took control of my life and told me that I had nothing. A burden that consumed my schoolwork, thoughts and dreams.
Just when I thought I couldn't handle the situation, it was lifted. I can't explain how grateful I am for it to no longer be controlling my life, how grateful I am to finally be able to surrender my burden to Him and how eternally grateful I am to my friends who have helped to carry me through and helped me to see the beauty in life. For a long time it was hard for me to see the sun shining right in front of me. It was hard for me to see the beautiful friends that were before me, carrying me through this crazy life. I am so so so freaking thankful for all friends, new and old, who made themselves present during this hard time in my life and said the most amazing things when I needed to hear them most.
I'm not really sure what exactly changed... Was it part of the Easter Tridium? Was it part of finally being able to get some sleep and relax a bit? Who knows, I do know that things started to turn around Friday. When I was walking into Church Friday, I saw a friend of my brothers and he said to me... "I hope there's more than 69 people in here today" hahaha an inside joke from confirmation that made me laugh hysterically. I couldn't even look at him during that two hour service without wanting to laugh. It was the first time in awhile that I couldn't look at someone without wanting to laugh, well minus a select couple of friends who can always make me laugh.
From then until now, there has just been a peace surrounding me. A peace that a few days ago I didn't know if I would ever feel again. A peace and joy that seemed so freaking distant. I actually have laughed more in the past few days than I have in the past few months. I pray that this peace and joy stay.
Don't get me wrong, by all means I am not over everything that happened. I probably won't be for a long time, but now I know that I have friends that will hold me close and carry me when I can't carry myself. There are still times where I see things or say things that trigger memories. Memories that I will always hold close to my heart but at this moment still make me sad.
For now, I am not going to dwell on the past that I can not change or the future that is not certain... I will focus on the present because that is what I know I can deal with and change the outcome of.
Love, always and forever.
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