In a little over a week, I'll be through with the semester and one step closer to graduation. I'm so tired of the projects, pointless classes, and ridiculous teachers! I am in desperate need of a break! So here's to another semester almost over, yahoo!
So, this weekend was interesting... I felt the wrath of my oven! So here's the story... I had gone shopping Saturday morning and couldn't find what I was looking for so I was a bit frustrated. I got home and started lunch. At my house we have a double oven... on regular sized one with a small one rack oven on top. So I was using both ovens and went to put something in the top and hit the heating coils on the top of the oven in the process. The oven was set on 400ish so it left a pretty nasty burn on my pointer finger. It's about an inch long and pretty painful... I'm hoping that it heals soon so I can start putting mederma on it for it to begin disappearing.
On a better note, things in my life are finally starting to shape up! I'm really excited about it too! I'm laughing again, like I used to. Yesterday a friend called and I laughed so hard that my stomach and head hurt! It felt really good to just laugh and laugh wholeheartedly. I'm looking forward to taking life and making it as amazing as possible. Don't be fooled though, I still have my bad days here and there but they are no where near as frequent as they used to be! I'm excited to be moving forward and even more excited about the friends who will be journeying through this life with me!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I feel change coming...
I have yet to give up hope that a positive change is on the horizon.
After probably three or four weeks of not taking my SAMe, I have decided that it is necessary for my sanity and emotional stability. I started taking it again yesterday and feel more positive already. It just makes me more confident and able to deal with my emotions rather than having them constantly spiking up and down. So I'm hoping that this will give me the little push in the right direction that I've been needing.
A sad story about our educational system: Today I was observing in a tenth grade setting when one student used the term reprimand while speaking to a group of students. Immediately she responded with "oh, that was a really big word" to which another student said, "yea, what does that even mean" and she responded with "I don't know, I heard my mom say it once I think it means like punish". As someone who will be teaching soon, my heart is saddened in knowing that this is how we are sending our youth into the world. To me "big words" should be something along the lines of hemidemisemiquaver and the like.
After probably three or four weeks of not taking my SAMe, I have decided that it is necessary for my sanity and emotional stability. I started taking it again yesterday and feel more positive already. It just makes me more confident and able to deal with my emotions rather than having them constantly spiking up and down. So I'm hoping that this will give me the little push in the right direction that I've been needing.
A sad story about our educational system: Today I was observing in a tenth grade setting when one student used the term reprimand while speaking to a group of students. Immediately she responded with "oh, that was a really big word" to which another student said, "yea, what does that even mean" and she responded with "I don't know, I heard my mom say it once I think it means like punish". As someone who will be teaching soon, my heart is saddened in knowing that this is how we are sending our youth into the world. To me "big words" should be something along the lines of hemidemisemiquaver and the like.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thankful...
Things by no means are better but I do have to say just how thankful I am to some amazing people that I am blessed to have in my life. There have been a select group of people who have been quite influential in my life these past few months. I think you know who you guys are. Sometimes, I think some of you know me better than I know myself. Whether or not you know it, you have the perfect words to say when I need to hear them most.
From the "i love you girl, hang in there" texts or the texts that make me laugh hysterically when times are tough... From the im's to the comments and messages... From the words that I will never forget to the words that take my breath away to the words that make me cry because they mean so much to me... From the phone calls out to the blue to the to moments that I will never forget I am so grateful.
I truly have no idea where in the world I'll be without my friends, especially those who have helped me through the past few months. I am so thankful to have friends that know me and love me for who I am. I am thankful to have friends that are willing to listen and support me through it all. I am thankful to have friends that don't give up on me and help me to achieve my dreams.
I don't think there are words to express just how much I love you and cherish every moment with you guys. I will never be able to thank you enough for all you have done for me and pray that somehow I can repay just a piece of that.
I love you all so much!
From the "i love you girl, hang in there" texts or the texts that make me laugh hysterically when times are tough... From the im's to the comments and messages... From the words that I will never forget to the words that take my breath away to the words that make me cry because they mean so much to me... From the phone calls out to the blue to the to moments that I will never forget I am so grateful.
I truly have no idea where in the world I'll be without my friends, especially those who have helped me through the past few months. I am so thankful to have friends that know me and love me for who I am. I am thankful to have friends that are willing to listen and support me through it all. I am thankful to have friends that don't give up on me and help me to achieve my dreams.
I don't think there are words to express just how much I love you and cherish every moment with you guys. I will never be able to thank you enough for all you have done for me and pray that somehow I can repay just a piece of that.
I love you all so much!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Why is it that when things seem like the are finally moving in the positive direction, that the thoughts and painful words that were uttered are so fresh in my mind. Racing through my thoughts like it happened yesterday with wounds that seem deeper now than they originally did. Today it's the following statements that are replaying over and over and over again in my head:
1.) We set you up for failure from the beginning.
2.) It's your actions that tore the team apart.
3.) You didn't set up boundaries but ________ did, that is why you're in the position you're in.
4.) As we were sitting down to lunch, ________ showed me that text and immediately I knew those were your words and not his.
5.) You are the one that started every ounce of drama this year.
6.) The kids went to you with everything: when they didn't like what I said they went straight to you.
7.) You did more harm than good for the kids.
8.) You are the reason we lost.
9.) Get over it, don't you think it's been long enough.
10.) No one cares.
11.) You will never be able to succeed, you're not good enough.
It is these eleven things that play over and over again in my head. As if on repeat, constantly haunting my thoughts and my feelings. I know these things aren't true... none of them are. I just feel as though I'm trapt like a child who has been told they are retarded all their life and due to the self-fufilling prophecy this has come true. This is my biggest fear that I will start believing all the lies that I have been accused of and they turn into my self-fufilling prophecy. I know I'm better than all the lies I've been surrounded with in the past few months and I know that I'm better than the people that have devised these lies. I just feel trapt by the negativity and the constant reminder of the people surrounding them. I find my self becoming something I don't want to be but don't know how to escape. I know that I have some beautiful friends who have and continue to support me along this troublesome path of grief. I say grief because I think that's the best way to sum up my emotions. It wasn't just a job for me, it was my life. The kids were my kids and the shock of going from seeing them almost everyday to never seeing them is killing me.
I guess what I long for not really in this particular situation but in general is best summed up by a Natalie Grant song: "I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. I want to be worthy of love and beautiful." I also long for so much more than being worthy of love... I want to be loved. I want to feel like I've made a difference. I want to leave a positive impression. I want to feel like I belong. I want to teach. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to love unconditionally. I want to have fun with life. I want to cherish my friendships. I want to care because it's the right thing to do. I want to not be afraid to be myself. I want to be there for my friends. I want to posess unwavering hope. I want to love like I've never been hurt.
1.) We set you up for failure from the beginning.
2.) It's your actions that tore the team apart.
3.) You didn't set up boundaries but ________ did, that is why you're in the position you're in.
4.) As we were sitting down to lunch, ________ showed me that text and immediately I knew those were your words and not his.
5.) You are the one that started every ounce of drama this year.
6.) The kids went to you with everything: when they didn't like what I said they went straight to you.
7.) You did more harm than good for the kids.
8.) You are the reason we lost.
9.) Get over it, don't you think it's been long enough.
10.) No one cares.
11.) You will never be able to succeed, you're not good enough.
It is these eleven things that play over and over again in my head. As if on repeat, constantly haunting my thoughts and my feelings. I know these things aren't true... none of them are. I just feel as though I'm trapt like a child who has been told they are retarded all their life and due to the self-fufilling prophecy this has come true. This is my biggest fear that I will start believing all the lies that I have been accused of and they turn into my self-fufilling prophecy. I know I'm better than all the lies I've been surrounded with in the past few months and I know that I'm better than the people that have devised these lies. I just feel trapt by the negativity and the constant reminder of the people surrounding them. I find my self becoming something I don't want to be but don't know how to escape. I know that I have some beautiful friends who have and continue to support me along this troublesome path of grief. I say grief because I think that's the best way to sum up my emotions. It wasn't just a job for me, it was my life. The kids were my kids and the shock of going from seeing them almost everyday to never seeing them is killing me.
I guess what I long for not really in this particular situation but in general is best summed up by a Natalie Grant song: "I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. I want to be worthy of love and beautiful." I also long for so much more than being worthy of love... I want to be loved. I want to feel like I've made a difference. I want to leave a positive impression. I want to feel like I belong. I want to teach. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to love unconditionally. I want to have fun with life. I want to cherish my friendships. I want to care because it's the right thing to do. I want to not be afraid to be myself. I want to be there for my friends. I want to posess unwavering hope. I want to love like I've never been hurt.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
A Weight Lifted Off My Shoulders...
For some reason I feel like there is this huge burden lifted off my shoulders. A burden that has weighed me down all lent and for many many months before that. A burden that took control of my life and told me that I had nothing. A burden that consumed my schoolwork, thoughts and dreams.
Just when I thought I couldn't handle the situation, it was lifted. I can't explain how grateful I am for it to no longer be controlling my life, how grateful I am to finally be able to surrender my burden to Him and how eternally grateful I am to my friends who have helped to carry me through and helped me to see the beauty in life. For a long time it was hard for me to see the sun shining right in front of me. It was hard for me to see the beautiful friends that were before me, carrying me through this crazy life. I am so so so freaking thankful for all friends, new and old, who made themselves present during this hard time in my life and said the most amazing things when I needed to hear them most.
I'm not really sure what exactly changed... Was it part of the Easter Tridium? Was it part of finally being able to get some sleep and relax a bit? Who knows, I do know that things started to turn around Friday. When I was walking into Church Friday, I saw a friend of my brothers and he said to me... "I hope there's more than 69 people in here today" hahaha an inside joke from confirmation that made me laugh hysterically. I couldn't even look at him during that two hour service without wanting to laugh. It was the first time in awhile that I couldn't look at someone without wanting to laugh, well minus a select couple of friends who can always make me laugh.
From then until now, there has just been a peace surrounding me. A peace that a few days ago I didn't know if I would ever feel again. A peace and joy that seemed so freaking distant. I actually have laughed more in the past few days than I have in the past few months. I pray that this peace and joy stay.
Don't get me wrong, by all means I am not over everything that happened. I probably won't be for a long time, but now I know that I have friends that will hold me close and carry me when I can't carry myself. There are still times where I see things or say things that trigger memories. Memories that I will always hold close to my heart but at this moment still make me sad.
For now, I am not going to dwell on the past that I can not change or the future that is not certain... I will focus on the present because that is what I know I can deal with and change the outcome of.
Love, always and forever.
Just when I thought I couldn't handle the situation, it was lifted. I can't explain how grateful I am for it to no longer be controlling my life, how grateful I am to finally be able to surrender my burden to Him and how eternally grateful I am to my friends who have helped to carry me through and helped me to see the beauty in life. For a long time it was hard for me to see the sun shining right in front of me. It was hard for me to see the beautiful friends that were before me, carrying me through this crazy life. I am so so so freaking thankful for all friends, new and old, who made themselves present during this hard time in my life and said the most amazing things when I needed to hear them most.
I'm not really sure what exactly changed... Was it part of the Easter Tridium? Was it part of finally being able to get some sleep and relax a bit? Who knows, I do know that things started to turn around Friday. When I was walking into Church Friday, I saw a friend of my brothers and he said to me... "I hope there's more than 69 people in here today" hahaha an inside joke from confirmation that made me laugh hysterically. I couldn't even look at him during that two hour service without wanting to laugh. It was the first time in awhile that I couldn't look at someone without wanting to laugh, well minus a select couple of friends who can always make me laugh.
From then until now, there has just been a peace surrounding me. A peace that a few days ago I didn't know if I would ever feel again. A peace and joy that seemed so freaking distant. I actually have laughed more in the past few days than I have in the past few months. I pray that this peace and joy stay.
Don't get me wrong, by all means I am not over everything that happened. I probably won't be for a long time, but now I know that I have friends that will hold me close and carry me when I can't carry myself. There are still times where I see things or say things that trigger memories. Memories that I will always hold close to my heart but at this moment still make me sad.
For now, I am not going to dwell on the past that I can not change or the future that is not certain... I will focus on the present because that is what I know I can deal with and change the outcome of.
Love, always and forever.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What a freaking week...
This has been such an emotional and stressful week for me.
Now that it's spring break, I have a little breathing room and hopefully I'll be able to take the time to think things through, pick up the pieces, and begin to rebuild my life.
This week was so flippin crazy, probably one of the most emotional holy week's of my life. Monday, I most likely failed a biochem test. Tuesday, I had my meeting at school that brought back a lot of bad memories. Memories of the email, speech memories, reminders that I could no longer be there for my speechies, reminders of feelings that I was finally starting to get over. It brought back the tears and stresses of what was no longer. Right after the meeting I had a super amazing hug from a great friend that I really really needed. Then I met a friend for coffee and was able to vent and get things off my chest that she understood. By the end of the afternoon we were laughing about random things like ususal. I am so thankful that we were able to talk because she knows exactly what I've been through. So after we met and talked, I came home to finish my unit plan and my field report that were due Wednesday. I ended up going to bed at like 1 with just having finished the unit plan and barely starting my field report. Wednesday I went to biochem and then skipped my assessment class to finish my projects... which I barely finished (I had about an hour to spare). Last night in class, I started working on my lesson plan that was due in my night class tonight. I ended up falling asleep typing it and then woke up this morning and worked on it some more. I met with my partener a few hours before class started and we finished it with 20 minutes to spare.
Onto the better parts... last night a friend and I were talking and she said: "You have a beautiful and happy soul. You’re a wonderful and caring and genuine individual and you’re very rare to this world. People treat you that way because they just don’t know what a truly amazing person you are." That hit me really hard, I actually have friends who want what's best for me. They value me and my friendship and my personality. They truely have my best intentions at heart and for that it's been a long time!
Now that it's spring break, I have a little breathing room and hopefully I'll be able to take the time to think things through, pick up the pieces, and begin to rebuild my life.
This week was so flippin crazy, probably one of the most emotional holy week's of my life. Monday, I most likely failed a biochem test. Tuesday, I had my meeting at school that brought back a lot of bad memories. Memories of the email, speech memories, reminders that I could no longer be there for my speechies, reminders of feelings that I was finally starting to get over. It brought back the tears and stresses of what was no longer. Right after the meeting I had a super amazing hug from a great friend that I really really needed. Then I met a friend for coffee and was able to vent and get things off my chest that she understood. By the end of the afternoon we were laughing about random things like ususal. I am so thankful that we were able to talk because she knows exactly what I've been through. So after we met and talked, I came home to finish my unit plan and my field report that were due Wednesday. I ended up going to bed at like 1 with just having finished the unit plan and barely starting my field report. Wednesday I went to biochem and then skipped my assessment class to finish my projects... which I barely finished (I had about an hour to spare). Last night in class, I started working on my lesson plan that was due in my night class tonight. I ended up falling asleep typing it and then woke up this morning and worked on it some more. I met with my partener a few hours before class started and we finished it with 20 minutes to spare.
Onto the better parts... last night a friend and I were talking and she said: "You have a beautiful and happy soul. You’re a wonderful and caring and genuine individual and you’re very rare to this world. People treat you that way because they just don’t know what a truly amazing person you are." That hit me really hard, I actually have friends who want what's best for me. They value me and my friendship and my personality. They truely have my best intentions at heart and for that it's been a long time!
Monday, April 6, 2009
A bit overwhelmed!
I am in desperate need of strength, patience, time management, and motivation this week! I have a lot going on this Holy Week and unfortunately it's not things that I can say, "Oh, it's holy week... I'll push these things aside and focus on God and ending lent."
I simply come asking for prayers as I try to get through this week. Here is a bit of my schedule to give you a synopsis of what I'll be dealing with and the emotional ride I'll be on!
Today: I'm pretty sure that I failed my biochemistry test this morning and am trying to overcome that blow.
Tomorrow is my meeting with admistration regarding the work thing which is pretty much guarenteed to be an emotional period for me. After that I'm going have coffee with friends and tutor.
Wednesday, I have class in the morning and two projects due that night. Neither of these projects are finished. My unit plan project which is probably going to end up being about 80 pages long is almost done. All I have left for it is two lesson plans, two rubrics, write five more multiple choice questions for my unit exam, create an answer sheet, and complete my answer key. The other project, I have observed for but have yet to write any of my classroom observation reports on (that alone will probably be 8 - 10 pages).
Thursday night, I have a lesson plan due with a partener that we haven't really started on yet. We know what we want to do, but I may just finish it myself that day because I have no time at all to work on it prior to Thursday. We shall see...
And after 8:00 Thursday night, I'll be able to actually breathe thank goodness!
I simply come asking for prayers as I try to get through this week. Here is a bit of my schedule to give you a synopsis of what I'll be dealing with and the emotional ride I'll be on!
Today: I'm pretty sure that I failed my biochemistry test this morning and am trying to overcome that blow.
Tomorrow is my meeting with admistration regarding the work thing which is pretty much guarenteed to be an emotional period for me. After that I'm going have coffee with friends and tutor.
Wednesday, I have class in the morning and two projects due that night. Neither of these projects are finished. My unit plan project which is probably going to end up being about 80 pages long is almost done. All I have left for it is two lesson plans, two rubrics, write five more multiple choice questions for my unit exam, create an answer sheet, and complete my answer key. The other project, I have observed for but have yet to write any of my classroom observation reports on (that alone will probably be 8 - 10 pages).
Thursday night, I have a lesson plan due with a partener that we haven't really started on yet. We know what we want to do, but I may just finish it myself that day because I have no time at all to work on it prior to Thursday. We shall see...
And after 8:00 Thursday night, I'll be able to actually breathe thank goodness!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Love Heals Your Heart
Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection
Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong
When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart
Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain
that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface
Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside
I just heard this song by Third Day and it spoke to my heart tonight.
May we love like we've never been hurt and may we let the love of God carry us through during the times of pain and hurt.
Love and prayers, always.
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