Here I Go Again...

So in the midst of the emotional craziness of last week and taking finals this week, I've had another two obstacles thrown at me.

1.) Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. Cinco De Mayo... even crazier that his name is Mayo. That day seems like it happened a day ago. I remember exactly how things happened. I was in the speech room working on creating a master list of people who were to receive thank you cards after Ms. B's funeral. The office buzzed the phone and the coach picked it up. She said "Michelle, you're mom's here... you need to go to the office". The second I saw my mom I knew what had happened. I came home and immediately started planning. First, I wrote his obituary. Then if you really know me, cooking is my therapy so I made spaghetti and meatballs for mom to bring to my grandpas... I rode there but just couldn't get out of the car. After that I started planning the memorial service and ordering prayer cards online. See, my grandpa wanted to better the future doctors so he donated his body to science and we didn't have a funeral home. So... I designed and ordered prayer cards, created memorial programs, ordered flowers, etc. I just had to keep myself busy and not let my mind become idle. Yesterday was the exact opposite. I took time for me... time to process everything that's happened in the past year and such.

2.) The second obstacle per say is one that I've been struggling with for awhile now and it's something I blog about quite often. Yes you probably guessed it... its speech. For me it was more than job, it was my life and my second family. I had a "friend" tell me this week that it's wrong for me to be taking it so hard and that I shouldn't be upset about it because it was my fault that this all happened anyway. They told me that I should just let it go and get over it. But then turn around and contradict themselves by becoming involved in the exact thing that you said I shouldn't be worrying about and do it right in front of my face. I just find it hard to trust that person anymore. Like I guess it would be a different situation if that person had been with me, actually seen what I had done and given to that team then maybe I could take that to heart but it didn't happen that way at all. My heart has been broken and my second family has been taken away from me... that is not an easy thing for me to grasp and "get over".

That got me thinking... you know, why am I always the one to be walked all over and the first to be kicked to the curb and blamed when something goes wrong. I really feel like I'm so alone. I think I find a friend that I can finally trust or a place that I feel at home and then someone stabs me in the back and my world comes crashing down. I just need something that is a constant. Someone who I can lean on, someone who cares enough to listen and love me for me. Someone who won't ever leave me. I really hate this. I hate myself for being so naive and so trusting. I hate myself for loving and caring so much for people who just stab me in the back repeatedly.

That's all I have to say for now.