I know I know, it's been awhile since I've updated but things have been pretty crazy!
My outlook on things has changed drastically with the help of some uplifting friends and life slowing down just a bit. Is everything perfect?... No, and it will probably never be. I know that and have accepted that. Every task taken on in life was put there for a reason and will challenge us to no end, but we will prevail and become a better person from the lessons learned from our troubles -- (that makes sense in my head, I hope it does on here as well)
I have encountered some new and challenging experiences as well as some old but still quite challenging ones in the time I was away from updating...
- About two weeks ago I stared my new part time job for the summer. I absolutely love it and hate it at the same time. My first week there was really emotional for me and I didn't quite know if it was going to work out. I literally came home from work everyday in tears because I was frustrated, felt incapable and just all around upset. I started on a Monday and was just observing the previous teacher in the classroom and that sort of thing. By Wednesday, I wanted out... I wanted nothing to do with it and was just done. I felt like there was no way that I was ever going to be able to be good enough to be trusted with 14 - 3 year olds. I felt like a failure because the kids wouldn't listen. I questioned my future profession because I just didn't know. I guess I was under the impression that it was going to be an easy job. That night and the following morning a lot of my time was spent in prayer desperate for guidance and a sign as to what to do. It was so bad that I got to the point where I literally said: "okay God, when I get to work today I'm going to go quit... I have nothing else to do". His sign for me that Thursday was Ms. Jennifer not being in her office for most of the afternoon. By the end of the day, He had gently assured me that things were going to work out and He would let me know if they weren't! Praise God! Once I regained confidence in my skill, I was informed that Monday when I came to work I'd have a whole new class of students. This was yet another huge adjustment with tons of new challenges. First, these new (younger) class of three year olds are not completely potty trained yet. So of course we have accidents that I have to address and clean up. Some of the kids, I'm not actually sure if they are ready for my classroom. In this class I have 3 girls and 11 boys... and they are a tough bunch! I am finally beginning to feel comfortable disciplining and having them listen to me which is exciting for me!
- Working with the PreK-3 class, I now am certain that my calling is high school kids. I don't think I could tell kids all day not to eat grass and make them go potty every 30-45 minutes. True story: I had a little boy in my class the first week I was there who called the grass celery and ate it. He would also eat those little clover flower things. So I had to have a conversation with him to get him to stop. The first thing that came to mind was rabbits. So I said... Parker are we rabbits or boys? He said boys. I said good, and what do boys eat? And he responded with lunch, snack, and dinner! I couldn't help but giggle and let him know he was right and not to eat grass again cause that's for the rabbits. This experience is definitely solidifying my calling to teach older students and it makes me miss my high school kids so flippin much. I thought that by starting out here I was going to be able to put speech behind me but it didn't work out quite that way!
- Work has also taken a bit of a physical toll on me as well. I'm not used to constantly being on my feet and picking up kids every five minutes. It's taken awhile for my hips to get used to that, considering my past challenges with my hips. So I've had to watch how many kids I pick up and make sure when I'm holding them that I switch which hip they're sitting on every five minutes.
- Last but not least... I cut my hair Saturday! I cut about 12 inches off total and 10 of those inches will be donated to create wigs for cancer patients. I'm actually beginning to love it! At first I was really weary because it was so much shorter. It sits right above my shoulders and I have learned that I can do so much more with it and it looks a million times healthier! I actually love that I can wear it down more without it getting in the way!
So... I think that's all I have for now!
Love & Prayers!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
So, It's Been Awhile...
...and things are actually a lot better!
I'm not really sure where to begin, but I guess lets start with... I haven't been this happy in forever! I'm really excited that things have begun to look up... it's about damn time hahahaha!
School: I finished the semester pretty strong and I couldn't be happier about it, well ya know I would be thrilled if it were a 4.0 semester but it was a 3.785 and I'm pleased with that. My only B was in classroom management with the teacher who rarely gives A's. :) So, that brought my overall GPA up to a 3.63 - not too bad! Its crazy to think that by this time next year I'll be a college graduate! Ahh scary!
Work: I got a new job that I start tomorrow and I'm pretty pumped about it! I'll be working in the afternoons teaching a three year old class! It's going to be a challenge but I am looking forward to something new! I'll definitely be keeping up with journaling and let you know how that's going!
Other randomness: I've come to peace with alot of things that have happened in the past and can't wait to continue proceeding forward. One day soon when I have a bit of extra time I want to share my trip to LARC (Lousiana Association for Retarded Citizens) with you all. In a way to get the word out there and in another to preserve it for my own memory. It was a great day that may be kind of pivotal to my moving on per say.
Oh, I have a twitter account (twitter.com/mrd8940) so if you have one, follow me!
Lastly... the picture up there is part of my cross collection that hangs on my wall above my bed. I know for a fact that I would not be where I am today with out my faith and the faith of those around me! I am so grateful to have such a wonderful group of faith-filled friends to share my experiences with! My faith is so important to me and I would be even more lost without it!
Love and prayers, today and always!
I'm not really sure where to begin, but I guess lets start with... I haven't been this happy in forever! I'm really excited that things have begun to look up... it's about damn time hahahaha!
School: I finished the semester pretty strong and I couldn't be happier about it, well ya know I would be thrilled if it were a 4.0 semester but it was a 3.785 and I'm pleased with that. My only B was in classroom management with the teacher who rarely gives A's. :) So, that brought my overall GPA up to a 3.63 - not too bad! Its crazy to think that by this time next year I'll be a college graduate! Ahh scary!
Work: I got a new job that I start tomorrow and I'm pretty pumped about it! I'll be working in the afternoons teaching a three year old class! It's going to be a challenge but I am looking forward to something new! I'll definitely be keeping up with journaling and let you know how that's going!
Other randomness: I've come to peace with alot of things that have happened in the past and can't wait to continue proceeding forward. One day soon when I have a bit of extra time I want to share my trip to LARC (Lousiana Association for Retarded Citizens) with you all. In a way to get the word out there and in another to preserve it for my own memory. It was a great day that may be kind of pivotal to my moving on per say.
Oh, I have a twitter account (twitter.com/mrd8940) so if you have one, follow me!
Lastly... the picture up there is part of my cross collection that hangs on my wall above my bed. I know for a fact that I would not be where I am today with out my faith and the faith of those around me! I am so grateful to have such a wonderful group of faith-filled friends to share my experiences with! My faith is so important to me and I would be even more lost without it!
Love and prayers, today and always!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Here I Go Again...
So in the midst of the emotional craziness of last week and taking finals this week, I've had another two obstacles thrown at me.
1.) Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. Cinco De Mayo... even crazier that his name is Mayo. That day seems like it happened a day ago. I remember exactly how things happened. I was in the speech room working on creating a master list of people who were to receive thank you cards after Ms. B's funeral. The office buzzed the phone and the coach picked it up. She said "Michelle, you're mom's here... you need to go to the office". The second I saw my mom I knew what had happened. I came home and immediately started planning. First, I wrote his obituary. Then if you really know me, cooking is my therapy so I made spaghetti and meatballs for mom to bring to my grandpas... I rode there but just couldn't get out of the car. After that I started planning the memorial service and ordering prayer cards online. See, my grandpa wanted to better the future doctors so he donated his body to science and we didn't have a funeral home. So... I designed and ordered prayer cards, created memorial programs, ordered flowers, etc. I just had to keep myself busy and not let my mind become idle. Yesterday was the exact opposite. I took time for me... time to process everything that's happened in the past year and such.
2.) The second obstacle per say is one that I've been struggling with for awhile now and it's something I blog about quite often. Yes you probably guessed it... its speech. For me it was more than job, it was my life and my second family. I had a "friend" tell me this week that it's wrong for me to be taking it so hard and that I shouldn't be upset about it because it was my fault that this all happened anyway. They told me that I should just let it go and get over it. But then turn around and contradict themselves by becoming involved in the exact thing that you said I shouldn't be worrying about and do it right in front of my face. I just find it hard to trust that person anymore. Like I guess it would be a different situation if that person had been with me, actually seen what I had done and given to that team then maybe I could take that to heart but it didn't happen that way at all. My heart has been broken and my second family has been taken away from me... that is not an easy thing for me to grasp and "get over".
That got me thinking... you know, why am I always the one to be walked all over and the first to be kicked to the curb and blamed when something goes wrong. I really feel like I'm so alone. I think I find a friend that I can finally trust or a place that I feel at home and then someone stabs me in the back and my world comes crashing down. I just need something that is a constant. Someone who I can lean on, someone who cares enough to listen and love me for me. Someone who won't ever leave me. I really hate this. I hate myself for being so naive and so trusting. I hate myself for loving and caring so much for people who just stab me in the back repeatedly.
That's all I have to say for now.
1.) Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. Cinco De Mayo... even crazier that his name is Mayo. That day seems like it happened a day ago. I remember exactly how things happened. I was in the speech room working on creating a master list of people who were to receive thank you cards after Ms. B's funeral. The office buzzed the phone and the coach picked it up. She said "Michelle, you're mom's here... you need to go to the office". The second I saw my mom I knew what had happened. I came home and immediately started planning. First, I wrote his obituary. Then if you really know me, cooking is my therapy so I made spaghetti and meatballs for mom to bring to my grandpas... I rode there but just couldn't get out of the car. After that I started planning the memorial service and ordering prayer cards online. See, my grandpa wanted to better the future doctors so he donated his body to science and we didn't have a funeral home. So... I designed and ordered prayer cards, created memorial programs, ordered flowers, etc. I just had to keep myself busy and not let my mind become idle. Yesterday was the exact opposite. I took time for me... time to process everything that's happened in the past year and such.
2.) The second obstacle per say is one that I've been struggling with for awhile now and it's something I blog about quite often. Yes you probably guessed it... its speech. For me it was more than job, it was my life and my second family. I had a "friend" tell me this week that it's wrong for me to be taking it so hard and that I shouldn't be upset about it because it was my fault that this all happened anyway. They told me that I should just let it go and get over it. But then turn around and contradict themselves by becoming involved in the exact thing that you said I shouldn't be worrying about and do it right in front of my face. I just find it hard to trust that person anymore. Like I guess it would be a different situation if that person had been with me, actually seen what I had done and given to that team then maybe I could take that to heart but it didn't happen that way at all. My heart has been broken and my second family has been taken away from me... that is not an easy thing for me to grasp and "get over".
That got me thinking... you know, why am I always the one to be walked all over and the first to be kicked to the curb and blamed when something goes wrong. I really feel like I'm so alone. I think I find a friend that I can finally trust or a place that I feel at home and then someone stabs me in the back and my world comes crashing down. I just need something that is a constant. Someone who I can lean on, someone who cares enough to listen and love me for me. Someone who won't ever leave me. I really hate this. I hate myself for being so naive and so trusting. I hate myself for loving and caring so much for people who just stab me in the back repeatedly.
That's all I have to say for now.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Wow... What A Week!
This week has been quite an emotional one for me. Packed with laughter and tears, music and hugs, stress and loneliness, etc, etc, etc...
Tuesday night was the team's banquet. After having to email the administration to get the okay to go since I had been "fired", I was really excited to get to see my team. I decided to surprise them and only told one person I was going. All in all it was really an amazing night and I was so glad to see the kids and relive the happy moments of the year with them. It was good to be able to see the seniors all together before they graduate and remember some of the good times from the past four years. I still can't believe that it's already been four years and they are graduating. Crazy! It hit me that night when I was talking to some of the parents that I had become close to and spent many weekends at tournaments with that I was done. I really wouldn't be coaching next year. I knew in my head all along that, that was the case but to actually have to admit it and talk about it was really, really hard. I guess I just thought the parents had known, but apparently not. I had a lot of good conversations with some of the parents and kids and was so glad that I could be there.
My whole motto with coaching is that I want to make a difference in their lives. Speech was something that changed my life and as a coach I don't want for the team to be strictly about winning and competition because yea it's always fun to win but its all about the experience you have in the process. After this week, I truly feel like I have accomplished that task of making a difference in the lives of some of my team members. That is all that I ever wanted to do was make a difference and give the kids positive memories and experiences. I just hope they never forget that winning isn't everything, its the friendships that you make a long the way that count. My song on the CD this year was "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey and I chose that song because it was the message I wanted to leave them with... never stop believing in yourself and your dreams because you can achieve anything and everything you set your mind to.
Tuesday brought back a lot of emotions that I wasn't expecting it to bring back. It was such a great night and reminded me that no matter where I coach in the future I will always have the memories and lessons that they taught me guiding my actions. I'm really grateful for the time I spent coaching there but I now see that it was a bad situation for me because of the people higher up on the totem pole than I was. I will always miss that team because they have given me so much, but it's now time to move on and take a break from coaching for a little bit.
Wednesday was hard because that's when all of the above hit me and it was just a lot to deal with in conjunction with being in the midst of the end of the semester and those stresses. ((Actually, as I type this I am thinking of things that I was supposed to do and didn't so I'm doing them too)) Anywho, there have been things throughout the week that have reminded me of happier times and there have been times that made me smile when I didn't think it was possible. One of these such instances was being sung part "My, Michelle" by the Beatles. Or getting a note in the mail from a speech parent about how thankful they were about me being a part of their lives. Or just the little moments when my friends reminded me of some great times just as I needed a good laugh.
I also got a quote of the day text this week that sings so true, it was: "music expresses that which cannot be put into words" ... I'm speechless, how true is that!
Well, my to do list of school work is quickly piling up, so I'm off to type a paper or two and study for my finals this coming week.
Love ya!
Tuesday night was the team's banquet. After having to email the administration to get the okay to go since I had been "fired", I was really excited to get to see my team. I decided to surprise them and only told one person I was going. All in all it was really an amazing night and I was so glad to see the kids and relive the happy moments of the year with them. It was good to be able to see the seniors all together before they graduate and remember some of the good times from the past four years. I still can't believe that it's already been four years and they are graduating. Crazy! It hit me that night when I was talking to some of the parents that I had become close to and spent many weekends at tournaments with that I was done. I really wouldn't be coaching next year. I knew in my head all along that, that was the case but to actually have to admit it and talk about it was really, really hard. I guess I just thought the parents had known, but apparently not. I had a lot of good conversations with some of the parents and kids and was so glad that I could be there.
My whole motto with coaching is that I want to make a difference in their lives. Speech was something that changed my life and as a coach I don't want for the team to be strictly about winning and competition because yea it's always fun to win but its all about the experience you have in the process. After this week, I truly feel like I have accomplished that task of making a difference in the lives of some of my team members. That is all that I ever wanted to do was make a difference and give the kids positive memories and experiences. I just hope they never forget that winning isn't everything, its the friendships that you make a long the way that count. My song on the CD this year was "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey and I chose that song because it was the message I wanted to leave them with... never stop believing in yourself and your dreams because you can achieve anything and everything you set your mind to.
Tuesday brought back a lot of emotions that I wasn't expecting it to bring back. It was such a great night and reminded me that no matter where I coach in the future I will always have the memories and lessons that they taught me guiding my actions. I'm really grateful for the time I spent coaching there but I now see that it was a bad situation for me because of the people higher up on the totem pole than I was. I will always miss that team because they have given me so much, but it's now time to move on and take a break from coaching for a little bit.
Wednesday was hard because that's when all of the above hit me and it was just a lot to deal with in conjunction with being in the midst of the end of the semester and those stresses. ((Actually, as I type this I am thinking of things that I was supposed to do and didn't so I'm doing them too)) Anywho, there have been things throughout the week that have reminded me of happier times and there have been times that made me smile when I didn't think it was possible. One of these such instances was being sung part "My, Michelle" by the Beatles. Or getting a note in the mail from a speech parent about how thankful they were about me being a part of their lives. Or just the little moments when my friends reminded me of some great times just as I needed a good laugh.
I also got a quote of the day text this week that sings so true, it was: "music expresses that which cannot be put into words" ... I'm speechless, how true is that!
Well, my to do list of school work is quickly piling up, so I'm off to type a paper or two and study for my finals this coming week.
Love ya!
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