An Emotional Rollercoaster of a Weekend...

Ok... this weekend was insane!

Thursday, I took a "mental day", I had been at work everyday that week and desperately needed a day off before the tournament this past weekend. So thats what I did. I took a day and did nothing until class at 5:00 that night. Besides being creeped out by an old man! lol.

So Friday morning I went to class and then headed straight to the tournament after class. I get there and the drama begins. I was told that all the duets dropped which ended up being completely wrong, 1/2 of the duets dropped. So after that little episode, I just was kinda whatever. I had more important things to worry about, like finding a lost binder and finalizing the writing of intros before competition actually began. Once the intros were written and the missing binder was found, we warmed up and sent kids off to their rounds. One of the girls and I sat in the cafeteria where we started talking and venting and such. I ended up getting madder, not at her of course because she's amazing. Come to find out some stuff involving me had gone down in class that morning, lovely right. I'm already self-concious, I don't need someone (much less someone whos supposed to be an adult) talking shit about me behind my back. Its not like the kids aren't going to tell me. Duh. So anyway finding that out really really upset me, a lot. I guess it was in a sense the "straw that broke the camel's back" for lack of a better analogy. I'm so thankful that I was able to vent to her and get a few fustrations out. That was almost a breaking point for me, but I knew for the kids sake I had to keep it all in as best as I could. So we talked for awhile and the kids started getting out of rounds and such so I went talk to them to see how things were going. Which is when I saw an amazing friend that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was so good to see him and spend the weekend with him. The kids refered to him as the "crazy guy" that I was with, you'd swear they think I don't have friends that are guys. He helped me to stay grounded and realize what was really important. I'm so thankful that he was there. So the day went on and the drama from earlier started eating away at me, making me paranoid. By the end of the night, I was exhausted and tired of putting on a front. Another one of the girls and I talked while waiting for her rounds and that was a pretty great convo. After being treated like one of the kids, I had enough and went to see how the kids were doing. Of course it was like pulling teeth to see ballots, but I didn't let my guard down. So after seeing a few, I called one of the kids to give him things to think about overnight about his piece to improve for the next day. We ended up talking for awhile about a lot and I'm grateful for that. He reminded me of a lot that I really appreciate. We talked and naturally I cried but pulled myself together enough to where you couldn't really tell I was crying as I told the last of the kids bye for the night, except for one of the seniors. He could tell I was upset and came sit on the bench next to me and we talked for a little while. We were into a pretty deep discussion when all of a sudden this random guy passses on his phone saying: "yea... we just tore them to shreds" which ended up becoming our punch line for the tournament. Eventually I left, got into an argument with dad on the way home and then came home and had a complete breakdown. I am so thankful for a few friends who helped calm me down, reassure me, and just be there to listen. After Friday night, I wasn't really sure if this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I didn't know if this is where I wanted to be. I had and still have a lot to think about regarding the time between now and when I graduate from college.

Anyway, Saturday morning I had to be there by 7:15. Thankfully, because of my breakdown I was in a little bit of a better mood becuase I had gotten all of the crying out of my system. Things were kinda all over the place, one of the kids could tell something was still wrong yet another commented on how I'm always smiling. So I guess I can hide my emotions from most people, but some of the others know me way to well. So anyway, I was pretty emotionless for a little bit of the morning, still processing things from the day before. But once again the kids made it so much better. They had me laughing hysterically and for that I'm so grateful. By 11:00, I was in charge of keeping track of all 30 kids on the team, which you would think would stress me out but actually I was really relieved. Knowing that what I said would be inforced by me and the "ball wouldn't be dropped". I was truely in my element and it was in that moment that I knew this really was/is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I realized how much I loved the activity and how important it is to me. So as the day went on and breaks happened and I hung out with my "crazy friend", I was actually happy. It helped that one of the girls brought her camera and let me "play with it" for the day! I'm a bit obsessed with taking pictures. Once awards began I was so nervous, hoping that people would qualify and we would finish in the top 3 schools for the tournament. As the awards went on, I was really pleased with how things were turning out for the kids, but I was still skeptical about sweeps. I don't really remember the process of announcing sweeps... but I do remember one of the seniors that I was sitting next to, turning to me and saying "we did it". I was so so so so so excited and proud of the kids! We had truely done it, we had won sweeps at one of the most important regular season tournaments of the year for us. I am still smiling because of that and I am still quite proud of those "scrappy little fighters". They continue to give me hope! Afterwards we went out to eat and that was that! It was such a great moment for someone who I look up to, to tell me that she was proud of me and what I had accomplished. It was a moment that I won't soon forget.

So in conclusion, this weekend was completely draining for me. In fact I was so tired that I fell asleep reading a text message Saturday night! I did do a lot of thinking and contemplating and have decided that something has to change. So, I am going to go talk to someone tomorrow and then move on from there. Don't worry, I'm not leaving my job just yet, I love it to much and can't hurt the kids by leaving now. Also, without certain team members that I truely consider friends, I would not be as calm as I am right now. They are so amazing and its great to know that your team and your friends have your back no matter what. I truely love the team and my friends they are completely amazing.

Tomorrow I'll update on yesterday and today and tomorrow. Until then, love.