An Emotional Rollercoaster of a Weekend...

Ok... this weekend was insane!

Thursday, I took a "mental day", I had been at work everyday that week and desperately needed a day off before the tournament this past weekend. So thats what I did. I took a day and did nothing until class at 5:00 that night. Besides being creeped out by an old man! lol.

So Friday morning I went to class and then headed straight to the tournament after class. I get there and the drama begins. I was told that all the duets dropped which ended up being completely wrong, 1/2 of the duets dropped. So after that little episode, I just was kinda whatever. I had more important things to worry about, like finding a lost binder and finalizing the writing of intros before competition actually began. Once the intros were written and the missing binder was found, we warmed up and sent kids off to their rounds. One of the girls and I sat in the cafeteria where we started talking and venting and such. I ended up getting madder, not at her of course because she's amazing. Come to find out some stuff involving me had gone down in class that morning, lovely right. I'm already self-concious, I don't need someone (much less someone whos supposed to be an adult) talking shit about me behind my back. Its not like the kids aren't going to tell me. Duh. So anyway finding that out really really upset me, a lot. I guess it was in a sense the "straw that broke the camel's back" for lack of a better analogy. I'm so thankful that I was able to vent to her and get a few fustrations out. That was almost a breaking point for me, but I knew for the kids sake I had to keep it all in as best as I could. So we talked for awhile and the kids started getting out of rounds and such so I went talk to them to see how things were going. Which is when I saw an amazing friend that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was so good to see him and spend the weekend with him. The kids refered to him as the "crazy guy" that I was with, you'd swear they think I don't have friends that are guys. He helped me to stay grounded and realize what was really important. I'm so thankful that he was there. So the day went on and the drama from earlier started eating away at me, making me paranoid. By the end of the night, I was exhausted and tired of putting on a front. Another one of the girls and I talked while waiting for her rounds and that was a pretty great convo. After being treated like one of the kids, I had enough and went to see how the kids were doing. Of course it was like pulling teeth to see ballots, but I didn't let my guard down. So after seeing a few, I called one of the kids to give him things to think about overnight about his piece to improve for the next day. We ended up talking for awhile about a lot and I'm grateful for that. He reminded me of a lot that I really appreciate. We talked and naturally I cried but pulled myself together enough to where you couldn't really tell I was crying as I told the last of the kids bye for the night, except for one of the seniors. He could tell I was upset and came sit on the bench next to me and we talked for a little while. We were into a pretty deep discussion when all of a sudden this random guy passses on his phone saying: "yea... we just tore them to shreds" which ended up becoming our punch line for the tournament. Eventually I left, got into an argument with dad on the way home and then came home and had a complete breakdown. I am so thankful for a few friends who helped calm me down, reassure me, and just be there to listen. After Friday night, I wasn't really sure if this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I didn't know if this is where I wanted to be. I had and still have a lot to think about regarding the time between now and when I graduate from college.

Anyway, Saturday morning I had to be there by 7:15. Thankfully, because of my breakdown I was in a little bit of a better mood becuase I had gotten all of the crying out of my system. Things were kinda all over the place, one of the kids could tell something was still wrong yet another commented on how I'm always smiling. So I guess I can hide my emotions from most people, but some of the others know me way to well. So anyway, I was pretty emotionless for a little bit of the morning, still processing things from the day before. But once again the kids made it so much better. They had me laughing hysterically and for that I'm so grateful. By 11:00, I was in charge of keeping track of all 30 kids on the team, which you would think would stress me out but actually I was really relieved. Knowing that what I said would be inforced by me and the "ball wouldn't be dropped". I was truely in my element and it was in that moment that I knew this really was/is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I realized how much I loved the activity and how important it is to me. So as the day went on and breaks happened and I hung out with my "crazy friend", I was actually happy. It helped that one of the girls brought her camera and let me "play with it" for the day! I'm a bit obsessed with taking pictures. Once awards began I was so nervous, hoping that people would qualify and we would finish in the top 3 schools for the tournament. As the awards went on, I was really pleased with how things were turning out for the kids, but I was still skeptical about sweeps. I don't really remember the process of announcing sweeps... but I do remember one of the seniors that I was sitting next to, turning to me and saying "we did it". I was so so so so so excited and proud of the kids! We had truely done it, we had won sweeps at one of the most important regular season tournaments of the year for us. I am still smiling because of that and I am still quite proud of those "scrappy little fighters". They continue to give me hope! Afterwards we went out to eat and that was that! It was such a great moment for someone who I look up to, to tell me that she was proud of me and what I had accomplished. It was a moment that I won't soon forget.

So in conclusion, this weekend was completely draining for me. In fact I was so tired that I fell asleep reading a text message Saturday night! I did do a lot of thinking and contemplating and have decided that something has to change. So, I am going to go talk to someone tomorrow and then move on from there. Don't worry, I'm not leaving my job just yet, I love it to much and can't hurt the kids by leaving now. Also, without certain team members that I truely consider friends, I would not be as calm as I am right now. They are so amazing and its great to know that your team and your friends have your back no matter what. I truely love the team and my friends they are completely amazing.

Tomorrow I'll update on yesterday and today and tomorrow. Until then, love.

Another Semester Has Begun...

So today was the beginning of yet another semester. I'm really nervous about Biochemistry, it'll definently be a class that keeps me on my toes and forces me to pay attention. The craziness of having a foreign professor and mixing biology (which I hate) and chemistry (which I love)scares me. I'm up for the challenge though. I'm confident that he knows what he is teaching and will make sure we know what we're doing before he moves on. Another thing that gives me hope is that he writes everything he says down, so when I can't understand him I am able to look to the board for guidence. I'm not too sure what to think about my Assessment class, the professor will defininently keep me awake! He is constantly moving and so flippin entergetic. I'm actually looking forward to that class. The other class I had today was Classroom Management, my first of two night classes. I don't have to physically go to that class again until March, which is kinda exciting. I'll have a lot of online work and assignments that will have to be dropped off at school, but I'm kinda excited! I have another night class tomorrow night (Diversity) and then an Analytical Chemistry lab on Tuesday afternoons. I'm nervous about the workload but I don't think it's anything I can't handle. I'm taking the day "off" tomorrow but I know I'll end up working on speech stuff. I just need a bit of a break. I was with them last Monday Wednesday & Friday, everyday so far this week, and then I'll be spending the weekend with them at the tournament. I just need a day to chill and regroup. This has been an emotionally and physically draining week for me, I just need a "sanity day" especially with school starting. Maybe I'll be able to get a jumpstart on my school work or not, who cares. I'm trying to be go with the flow but its so hard for me. We shall see... so here's to a new semester!

This is so for me...

This week has been one of revilation for me. I discovered and experienced so many things, it was pretty amazing. Last post was about work and this one will probably end up dealing with that for the most part as well. Thursday, I took the day to myself to relax and prepare for my certification exam that I had on Saturday. In the process of becoming really overwhelmed by studying and the test itself, I didn't really have a chance to post until now. The test was ridiculously hard and I am so not looking forward to getting my scores in the next 4-7 weeks.

Anyway, onto other things. Friday, I had the opportunity to substitute all day as a public speaking/speech teacher. It was so much fun and reitterated that this was really what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. We laughed and cut up but at the same time did it in a manor appropriate for the classroom and got work done. It almost felt like a sneakpeek into my future, except for the fact that I didn't really teach. In all but one of my classes, we watched a movie that I have now seen 7ish times but never seen the ending. If that wasn't enough to solidify my career decision, the rest of the weekend did. Part of my team went to New Orleans for a tournament this weekend and I stayed here for my certification test. Knowing that the team was competing and not knowing what was going on killed me. I missed not being able to look at ballots and give them things to work on, I missed hearing how their rounds went, I missed laughing inbetween rounds, and most of all I missed not being able to congratulate them when they posted breaks. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life and I can't wait until I graduate (in a year and a half) and can do this full time!

Its About Time...

So after six years of being involved with work, my mom finally said... "wow, it really is stressful I never realized how much work was involved". That completely made my day. She finally had an insight into why I'm always exausted and stressed out due to it. All it took was a few days of me being locked in my room constantly working on crap. My job is not one that I can leave "at the office" when I walk out of the building. There's a lot more to it... work involves being a support (both inside and outside of competition), it involves answering calls/texts/emails, its constantly reading and cutting pieces, its so much more than a job. Over the past six years, it has become my life - my second family, the people I feel most comfortable around, the people that can make me laugh until I cry. I love the people that I have met through it and they have given me more than I could ever imagine. Lately,though, work has become a huge fustration. I was talking to a friend last night about my fustrations and worries. It was so good to have someone that just listened and left me with lots of encouragement. Today was a rough one for me, I had trouble with some things that happened but always seem to be reencouraged by my amazing kids. Example... one of the kids told me today about the first time we talked. Its so good to know that you've made a difference (no matter how big or small) in someone's life... especially on days like today. So many times its things like that, that remind me why I do what I do. I love laughing with them, no matter whats going on or how pissed I am, they can make me laugh uncontrollably. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do what I do, even though a lot of times I leave dicouaged or get really down on myself becuase of parts of it. I love my job and can't wait to be doing it full time!

What a mess...

So yesterday... I had to be at work for a practice day at 10. At first it was only going to be a few kids going but more showed up, which is a good thing at least they want to practice. So anyway... I woke up a little late and had to rush to get ready and get there on time. I ran around like a crazy person from the second I got there until I left at 3:30ish. Although, I had my times were I was super fustrated because of things I won't get into because I don't want to get myself worked up again... it was a great day. It reminded me of why I want to do this for the rest of my life. I love what I do so so so so so much and I had lost that love of it for awhile. It means the world to me and is so much of who I am. We laughed, a lot yesterday... it was awesome. I don't even remember why we were laughing most of the time but it was funny! When I got home last night, my back and stomach hurt from laughing so much! I totally love those kids! I missed being able to coach and still have fun and cut up while doing it! Then last night/super early this morning... I was having a conversation with a friend which led to me coming to terms with a lot and having a renewed outlook on work. I know that things are different (I'm still having trouble accepting that at times) but that doesn't mean that I can't still put my all into what I do. I've been working on doing things they way they used to be, because that's what I'm used to... but tomorrow afternoon when I go in, it will be all about helping the kids to succeed. Even though things aren't the way I wish they would be, that doesn't mean that I can't help them to have the same experience that I had when I competed. I can still teach them while working with them one on one. I can still encourage them to be the best they can be and such. Those are things I should have been doing from the begining, but there's no way to change what's happened... I've learned a lot that I wouldn't have otherwise (and am still learning) and its made me grow into who I've become.

Today wasn't a good day... I was pissy all day. It started off with a jawache this morning that led to a migraine. When I don't feel good, I'm in a horrible mood! So anyway, because I couldn't get stuff done for work (my head hurt so bad that I couldn't even focus at a piece of paper)... I went shopping! We went to Dillards for shoes, but I didn't find anything... :(! I'll probably just order some off the internet. So while I was there I decided to look for a dress, I am in desperate need for one for Kirks wedding next month and my brother's confirmation (since I'm his sponsor). Anyway... I wasn't really sure what I wanted so I tried on like 50 dresses! It was fun, even though I didn't find anything I liked enough to buy. I may go dress shopping again later this week, we'll see. So anyway... after that we went get groceries and yea I got V8 juice spilt all over my jeans and shoes. Ick! Speaking of my jeans... I never put them in the dryer, CRAP! Anyway, my migraine just went away, thank goodness! I guess that means I'll have to sleep with my retainer tonight, ick! But I'm exhausted, I went to bed at 2:30 and woke up at 8:30... not enough sleep for me at all! I'm off to bed, I have to work tomorrow afternoon and then I need to start studying for my certification exam on Saturday! Until next time love.

Happy New Year!

I know, it's almost two full days into 2009 and I am just posting my first post of the new year! I hope and pray that these past days are a predictor of what is to come! These two days have been completely amazing! I am laughing more than I have in years, actually New Years Day I fell on the floor I was laughing so hard. So far this change has been amazing and I look forward to caring this with me all year long. Of course these couple of days have had a little fustration and aggravation in them but I refuse to let it get to me. For example something happened today, and although I had to repeatedly tell myself not to let it bother me, I didn't. There are so many things in this world that fustrate me and stress me out, I can't afford to let them affect me. I think that is what was bugging me before, I let every little thing get to me. I got quite a bit done today, suprisingly although it was all stuff for work. Although work is nothing like it used to be, the kids are still the same amazing kids that they used to be. A lot of times I get so fustrated becuase it isn't how it used to be, but you know this change may only be temporary but even if it isn't there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it right now - so why worry and stress myself out? Yesterday was amazing, I had so much fun! Hit golfballs into the field with a baseball bat (baseball style), I hit it really far too - suprised myself! We threw fireworks in a little bucket of water and laughed hysetrically as the firework popped, the pail jumped, water flew and so did the pail. It was great fun and its all on video! Well, I think I'm done for today. I'm off to bed, until next time love!