The Journey I Call Life

New Year, New Commitments

2010-01-06T09:17:00.000-08:00

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." - Philippians 4:6

Happy New Year! (A few days too late!) Rather than making a typical new years resolution, I've made a new years commitment. I've made a commitment to pray more. It may sound like such a small thing to do, but I have come to realize that the power of faith and prayer is the only thing that will carry me though this crazy life. I have made a commitment to formal type prayers as soon as I wake up in the mornings and right before bed. It's been quite helpful to me in handling the bumps and blocks that line my road of life. Pray that I may continue this commitment and grow stronger in faith and love! :D

Closing One Chapter and Opening a New One...

2009-12-31T11:15:00.000-08:00

There is no quote to encompass all of what 2009 brought and took away. It was a year of pain, emotional toil, loss of jobs, new jobs, new challenges, a whole lot of school work, new friends, and new opportunities. It's a year that caused a lot of heartache won't be missed by me. 2010 will yield a lot of new beginnings including student teaching, leaving my job at the daycare, graduation, and hopefully teaching full time! Here's to putting 2009 behind me and opening my heart to the possibilities of 2010!

2009-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

I both love and hate this quote, and it's pretty pertinent for today.

I know that everything happens for a reason, and although sometimes that reason is unknown it always has a purpose. This "reason" for things not going the way I wanted them or envisioned them is always hard to accept at first. Last week when I got my student teaching letter and saw my assignment all I could do was cry. The school I was assigned to was nowhere on my radar and frankly I had no idea how it was all going to play out. I don't drive and the school was nowhere close to my house, I had no clue how things were going to play out and was stressed. I was talking to a friend about my fears and nervousness, she reassured me that thinks would work out. After some thinking time, I realized that this may be a blessing in disguise. The school I originally wanted was the school where a lot of my Life Teen kids go to school so they would be in my classes and I'd have to worry about professionalism and such both in the classroom and at Life Teen. Later that afternoon, I got a phone call from that same friend mentioned earlier and when I answered she said "God loves you!" and of course I was like yea but why did He not give me somewhere close... and she responded with "because I got that school too and we're carpooling". After I hung up with her I realized, that God knew I cared too much about my Life Teen teens and couldn't sever my ties with them. Secondly, I think God knew that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own so He sent a friend to journey through student teaching with me!

I don't think I even have to get into the second part of this quote, the part where people change so you know how to let go... this has been the story of my life for awhile, if you don't believe me look back at the blog where I talk about a "friend" telling me to get over things and then going do them or the numerous people that stabbed me in the back for their own benefit.

Moving on... "things go wrong, so you can appreciate them when they're right". If finally discovered why I went through all the crap I did with youth group awhile back, it was for just this reason... for me to appreciate them when they're right. I know I've mentioned Life Teen in this post and my previous one, and it has honestly changed my life! I've been involved since about August and I honestly couldn't imagine my life without it. Some of the core team have become very close friends of mine and others are like family to me. They are constantly there for me, supporting and encouraging me through the way. On the other hand, the teens are probably more inspirational to me than I am to them! They are completely amazing and I thank God everyday for this ministry! This is absolutely amazing in comparison to my last ministry experiences including the one of being denied Adoration by being locked in a car. I'm so thankful for my fellow core team members and friends that I have made during this short journey and the many more I plan on making as I continue this ministry.

The next part of the quote is the reason why I hate it! There was a long period in my life where I thought I could only trust myself, that there was no one else that was actually on my side they just wanted information so that they could use it against me later on. This is probably because most of the friends that I made in my life did just that. So in the end I didn't trust anyone for awhile and kept everything inside, which of course just made everything worse. Not being able to talk out issues and worries led to a depression that thankfully I'm pretty close to being out of, although I still have my moments and thankfully I have friends that let me vent and lend a listening ear and words of encouragement when I'm in those types of moods. I have been blessed with amazing friends who I trust with my life. If it wouldn't be for them, I'd probably still be on meds to make it through the day. I know I probably don't tell my friends enough, but thank you, thank you, thank you... you mean the world to me and I love you for all you've done for me!

And finally, the last part of the quote. The bad times have come and will continue to come back in different forms all along this journey of life, but if that's what it takes to get the eternal reward of Heaven.. bring it on! As Catholic's we believe that the good things in life will fall to prepare us for eternal life in Heaven!

Thats all for today, don't forget to tell the ones you love that you love them and are grateful for them! :)

Long Time No Post...

2009-12-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

"I want to invite you to “dare to love.” Do not desire anything less for your life than a love that is strong and beautiful and that is capable of making the whole of your existence a joyful undertaking of giving yourselves as a gift to God and your brothers and sisters. . . Love is the only force capable of changing the heart of the human person and of all humanity..." - Pope Benedict XVI

Life has been crazy! I'm going to try something new by starting every post with a quote that sums up my feelings of the day. This one just so happens to be a Pope Benedict quote on love that I read on a friend's profile the other day. No, I'm not in a relationship but that doesn't mean I don't love. I love my kids at work and my life teen kids, I love my family and friends to death, but I have yet to find that "love" that forms a relationship. I could go on and on about that, but I do know that when the time is right, that person will show up... I just have to be patient!

I love this quote because how many times are we afraid to reveal our hearts and the love in them for the fear of isolation, scrutiny, and rejection. And how many times do we want to change someone for the better. Our heart is the only thing that will allow us to know and love each other for who we really are. It is through giving our hearts and allowing us to love and be loved. It is hard to step into the the world with an open heart, especially for me. It's hard to allow the most vulnerable part of me to be seen when it is normally hidden to all except those I am close to.

So I pray that I and you as well may be willing and accepting of having an open heart to the world, knowing that no matter what we have someone watching over it for us!

It's a what...

2009-06-03T09:24:00.001-07:00

Ok time for a work story!

Yesterday on the playground during recess two of the three girls in my class were sitting on the wooden truck thing that we have and were being really quiet and looking at something in on of their hands. Knowing that we don't bring small toys on the playground and that they are not allowed to pick up sticks, hay and the like I went see what they were doing. This is how the conversation panned out:

Me: Hey girls, what are yall doing?
Bri: Playing on the truck.
Me: (to Bri)What do you have in your hand?
Brooke: She has a cigarette!
Me: A what?
Brooke: A cigarette!
Me: Can I see it?
Bri: Yea (she hands it to me) *it was a leaf rolled like a cig*
Me: This is a leaf silly girls
Brooke: Yea but it looks like a cigarette...

What has this world come to that three year olds know what a cigarette is and how to roll a leaf to look like one?

Life: An Update

2009-05-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

I know I know, it's been awhile since I've updated but things have been pretty crazy!

My outlook on things has changed drastically with the help of some uplifting friends and life slowing down just a bit. Is everything perfect?... No, and it will probably never be. I know that and have accepted that. Every task taken on in life was put there for a reason and will challenge us to no end, but we will prevail and become a better person from the lessons learned from our troubles -- (that makes sense in my head, I hope it does on here as well)

I have encountered some new and challenging experiences as well as some old but still quite challenging ones in the time I was away from updating...

- About two weeks ago I stared my new part time job for the summer. I absolutely love it and hate it at the same time. My first week there was really emotional for me and I didn't quite know if it was going to work out. I literally came home from work everyday in tears because I was frustrated, felt incapable and just all around upset. I started on a Monday and was just observing the previous teacher in the classroom and that sort of thing. By Wednesday, I wanted out... I wanted nothing to do with it and was just done. I felt like there was no way that I was ever going to be able to be good enough to be trusted with 14 - 3 year olds. I felt like a failure because the kids wouldn't listen. I questioned my future profession because I just didn't know. I guess I was under the impression that it was going to be an easy job. That night and the following morning a lot of my time was spent in prayer desperate for guidance and a sign as to what to do. It was so bad that I got to the point where I literally said: "okay God, when I get to work today I'm going to go quit... I have nothing else to do". His sign for me that Thursday was Ms. Jennifer not being in her office for most of the afternoon. By the end of the day, He had gently assured me that things were going to work out and He would let me know if they weren't! Praise God! Once I regained confidence in my skill, I was informed that Monday when I came to work I'd have a whole new class of students. This was yet another huge adjustment with tons of new challenges. First, these new (younger) class of three year olds are not completely potty trained yet. So of course we have accidents that I have to address and clean up. Some of the kids, I'm not actually sure if they are ready for my classroom. In this class I have 3 girls and 11 boys... and they are a tough bunch! I am finally beginning to feel comfortable disciplining and having them listen to me which is exciting for me!

- Working with the PreK-3 class, I now am certain that my calling is high school kids. I don't think I could tell kids all day not to eat grass and make them go potty every 30-45 minutes. True story: I had a little boy in my class the first week I was there who called the grass celery and ate it. He would also eat those little clover flower things. So I had to have a conversation with him to get him to stop. The first thing that came to mind was rabbits. So I said... Parker are we rabbits or boys? He said boys. I said good, and what do boys eat? And he responded with lunch, snack, and dinner! I couldn't help but giggle and let him know he was right and not to eat grass again cause that's for the rabbits. This experience is definitely solidifying my calling to teach older students and it makes me miss my high school kids so flippin much. I thought that by starting out here I was going to be able to put speech behind me but it didn't work out quite that way!

- Work has also taken a bit of a physical toll on me as well. I'm not used to constantly being on my feet and picking up kids every five minutes. It's taken awhile for my hips to get used to that, considering my past challenges with my hips. So I've had to watch how many kids I pick up and make sure when I'm holding them that I switch which hip they're sitting on every five minutes.

- Last but not least... I cut my hair Saturday! I cut about 12 inches off total and 10 of those inches will be donated to create wigs for cancer patients. I'm actually beginning to love it! At first I was really weary because it was so much shorter. It sits right above my shoulders and I have learned that I can do so much more with it and it looks a million times healthier! I actually love that I can wear it down more without it getting in the way!

So... I think that's all I have for now!

Love & Prayers!

So, It's Been Awhile...

2009-05-17T18:37:00.001-07:00

...and things are actually a lot better!

I'm not really sure where to begin, but I guess lets start with... I haven't been this happy in forever! I'm really excited that things have begun to look up... it's about damn time hahahaha!

School: I finished the semester pretty strong and I couldn't be happier about it, well ya know I would be thrilled if it were a 4.0 semester but it was a 3.785 and I'm pleased with that. My only B was in classroom management with the teacher who rarely gives A's. :) So, that brought my overall GPA up to a 3.63 - not too bad! Its crazy to think that by this time next year I'll be a college graduate! Ahh scary!

Work: I got a new job that I start tomorrow and I'm pretty pumped about it! I'll be working in the afternoons teaching a three year old class! It's going to be a challenge but I am looking forward to something new! I'll definitely be keeping up with journaling and let you know how that's going!

Other randomness: I've come to peace with alot of things that have happened in the past and can't wait to continue proceeding forward. One day soon when I have a bit of extra time I want to share my trip to LARC (Lousiana Association for Retarded Citizens) with you all. In a way to get the word out there and in another to preserve it for my own memory. It was a great day that may be kind of pivotal to my moving on per say.

Oh, I have a twitter account (twitter.com/mrd8940) so if you have one, follow me!

Lastly... the picture up there is part of my cross collection that hangs on my wall above my bed. I know for a fact that I would not be where I am today with out my faith and the faith of those around me! I am so grateful to have such a wonderful group of faith-filled friends to share my experiences with! My faith is so important to me and I would be even more lost without it!

Love and prayers, today and always!

Here I Go Again...

2009-05-06T19:45:00.000-07:00

So in the midst of the emotional craziness of last week and taking finals this week, I've had another two obstacles thrown at me.

1.) Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. Cinco De Mayo... even crazier that his name is Mayo. That day seems like it happened a day ago. I remember exactly how things happened. I was in the speech room working on creating a master list of people who were to receive thank you cards after Ms. B's funeral. The office buzzed the phone and the coach picked it up. She said "Michelle, you're mom's here... you need to go to the office". The second I saw my mom I knew what had happened. I came home and immediately started planning. First, I wrote his obituary. Then if you really know me, cooking is my therapy so I made spaghetti and meatballs for mom to bring to my grandpas... I rode there but just couldn't get out of the car. After that I started planning the memorial service and ordering prayer cards online. See, my grandpa wanted to better the future doctors so he donated his body to science and we didn't have a funeral home. So... I designed and ordered prayer cards, created memorial programs, ordered flowers, etc. I just had to keep myself busy and not let my mind become idle. Yesterday was the exact opposite. I took time for me... time to process everything that's happened in the past year and such.

2.) The second obstacle per say is one that I've been struggling with for awhile now and it's something I blog about quite often. Yes you probably guessed it... its speech. For me it was more than job, it was my life and my second family. I had a "friend" tell me this week that it's wrong for me to be taking it so hard and that I shouldn't be upset about it because it was my fault that this all happened anyway. They told me that I should just let it go and get over it. But then turn around and contradict themselves by becoming involved in the exact thing that you said I shouldn't be worrying about and do it right in front of my face. I just find it hard to trust that person anymore. Like I guess it would be a different situation if that person had been with me, actually seen what I had done and given to that team then maybe I could take that to heart but it didn't happen that way at all. My heart has been broken and my second family has been taken away from me... that is not an easy thing for me to grasp and "get over".

That got me thinking... you know, why am I always the one to be walked all over and the first to be kicked to the curb and blamed when something goes wrong. I really feel like I'm so alone. I think I find a friend that I can finally trust or a place that I feel at home and then someone stabs me in the back and my world comes crashing down. I just need something that is a constant. Someone who I can lean on, someone who cares enough to listen and love me for me. Someone who won't ever leave me. I really hate this. I hate myself for being so naive and so trusting. I hate myself for loving and caring so much for people who just stab me in the back repeatedly.

That's all I have to say for now.

Wow... What A Week!

2009-05-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

This week has been quite an emotional one for me. Packed with laughter and tears, music and hugs, stress and loneliness, etc, etc, etc...

Tuesday night was the team's banquet. After having to email the administration to get the okay to go since I had been "fired", I was really excited to get to see my team. I decided to surprise them and only told one person I was going. All in all it was really an amazing night and I was so glad to see the kids and relive the happy moments of the year with them. It was good to be able to see the seniors all together before they graduate and remember some of the good times from the past four years. I still can't believe that it's already been four years and they are graduating. Crazy! It hit me that night when I was talking to some of the parents that I had become close to and spent many weekends at tournaments with that I was done. I really wouldn't be coaching next year. I knew in my head all along that, that was the case but to actually have to admit it and talk about it was really, really hard. I guess I just thought the parents had known, but apparently not. I had a lot of good conversations with some of the parents and kids and was so glad that I could be there.

My whole motto with coaching is that I want to make a difference in their lives. Speech was something that changed my life and as a coach I don't want for the team to be strictly about winning and competition because yea it's always fun to win but its all about the experience you have in the process. After this week, I truly feel like I have accomplished that task of making a difference in the lives of some of my team members. That is all that I ever wanted to do was make a difference and give the kids positive memories and experiences. I just hope they never forget that winning isn't everything, its the friendships that you make a long the way that count. My song on the CD this year was "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey and I chose that song because it was the message I wanted to leave them with... never stop believing in yourself and your dreams because you can achieve anything and everything you set your mind to.

Tuesday brought back a lot of emotions that I wasn't expecting it to bring back. It was such a great night and reminded me that no matter where I coach in the future I will always have the memories and lessons that they taught me guiding my actions. I'm really grateful for the time I spent coaching there but I now see that it was a bad situation for me because of the people higher up on the totem pole than I was. I will always miss that team because they have given me so much, but it's now time to move on and take a break from coaching for a little bit.

Wednesday was hard because that's when all of the above hit me and it was just a lot to deal with in conjunction with being in the midst of the end of the semester and those stresses. ((Actually, as I type this I am thinking of things that I was supposed to do and didn't so I'm doing them too)) Anywho, there have been things throughout the week that have reminded me of happier times and there have been times that made me smile when I didn't think it was possible. One of these such instances was being sung part "My, Michelle" by the Beatles. Or getting a note in the mail from a speech parent about how thankful they were about me being a part of their lives. Or just the little moments when my friends reminded me of some great times just as I needed a good laugh.

I also got a quote of the day text this week that sings so true, it was: "music expresses that which cannot be put into words" ... I'm speechless, how true is that!

Well, my to do list of school work is quickly piling up, so I'm off to type a paper or two and study for my finals this coming week.

Love ya!

It's Almost SUMMER...

2009-04-28T11:20:00.000-07:00

In a little over a week, I'll be through with the semester and one step closer to graduation. I'm so tired of the projects, pointless classes, and ridiculous teachers! I am in desperate need of a break! So here's to another semester almost over, yahoo!

So, this weekend was interesting... I felt the wrath of my oven! So here's the story... I had gone shopping Saturday morning and couldn't find what I was looking for so I was a bit frustrated. I got home and started lunch. At my house we have a double oven... on regular sized one with a small one rack oven on top. So I was using both ovens and went to put something in the top and hit the heating coils on the top of the oven in the process. The oven was set on 400ish so it left a pretty nasty burn on my pointer finger. It's about an inch long and pretty painful... I'm hoping that it heals soon so I can start putting mederma on it for it to begin disappearing.

On a better note, things in my life are finally starting to shape up! I'm really excited about it too! I'm laughing again, like I used to. Yesterday a friend called and I laughed so hard that my stomach and head hurt! It felt really good to just laugh and laugh wholeheartedly. I'm looking forward to taking life and making it as amazing as possible. Don't be fooled though, I still have my bad days here and there but they are no where near as frequent as they used to be! I'm excited to be moving forward and even more excited about the friends who will be journeying through this life with me!

I feel change coming...

2009-04-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

I have yet to give up hope that a positive change is on the horizon.

After probably three or four weeks of not taking my SAMe, I have decided that it is necessary for my sanity and emotional stability. I started taking it again yesterday and feel more positive already. It just makes me more confident and able to deal with my emotions rather than having them constantly spiking up and down. So I'm hoping that this will give me the little push in the right direction that I've been needing.

A sad story about our educational system: Today I was observing in a tenth grade setting when one student used the term reprimand while speaking to a group of students. Immediately she responded with "oh, that was a really big word" to which another student said, "yea, what does that even mean" and she responded with "I don't know, I heard my mom say it once I think it means like punish". As someone who will be teaching soon, my heart is saddened in knowing that this is how we are sending our youth into the world. To me "big words" should be something along the lines of hemidemisemiquaver and the like.

Thankful...

2009-04-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

Things by no means are better but I do have to say just how thankful I am to some amazing people that I am blessed to have in my life. There have been a select group of people who have been quite influential in my life these past few months. I think you know who you guys are. Sometimes, I think some of you know me better than I know myself. Whether or not you know it, you have the perfect words to say when I need to hear them most.

From the "i love you girl, hang in there" texts or the texts that make me laugh hysterically when times are tough... From the im's to the comments and messages... From the words that I will never forget to the words that take my breath away to the words that make me cry because they mean so much to me... From the phone calls out to the blue to the to moments that I will never forget I am so grateful.

I truly have no idea where in the world I'll be without my friends, especially those who have helped me through the past few months. I am so thankful to have friends that know me and love me for who I am. I am thankful to have friends that are willing to listen and support me through it all. I am thankful to have friends that don't give up on me and help me to achieve my dreams.

I don't think there are words to express just how much I love you and cherish every moment with you guys. I will never be able to thank you enough for all you have done for me and pray that somehow I can repay just a piece of that.

I love you all so much!

2009-04-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when things seem like the are finally moving in the positive direction, that the thoughts and painful words that were uttered are so fresh in my mind. Racing through my thoughts like it happened yesterday with wounds that seem deeper now than they originally did. Today it's the following statements that are replaying over and over and over again in my head:

1.) We set you up for failure from the beginning.

2.) It's your actions that tore the team apart.

3.) You didn't set up boundaries but ________ did, that is why you're in the position you're in.

4.) As we were sitting down to lunch, ________ showed me that text and immediately I knew those were your words and not his.

5.) You are the one that started every ounce of drama this year.

6.) The kids went to you with everything: when they didn't like what I said they went straight to you.

7.) You did more harm than good for the kids.

8.) You are the reason we lost.

9.) Get over it, don't you think it's been long enough.

10.) No one cares.

11.) You will never be able to succeed, you're not good enough.

It is these eleven things that play over and over again in my head. As if on repeat, constantly haunting my thoughts and my feelings. I know these things aren't true... none of them are. I just feel as though I'm trapt like a child who has been told they are retarded all their life and due to the self-fufilling prophecy this has come true. This is my biggest fear that I will start believing all the lies that I have been accused of and they turn into my self-fufilling prophecy. I know I'm better than all the lies I've been surrounded with in the past few months and I know that I'm better than the people that have devised these lies. I just feel trapt by the negativity and the constant reminder of the people surrounding them. I find my self becoming something I don't want to be but don't know how to escape. I know that I have some beautiful friends who have and continue to support me along this troublesome path of grief. I say grief because I think that's the best way to sum up my emotions. It wasn't just a job for me, it was my life. The kids were my kids and the shock of going from seeing them almost everyday to never seeing them is killing me.

I guess what I long for not really in this particular situation but in general is best summed up by a Natalie Grant song: "I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. I want to be worthy of love and beautiful." I also long for so much more than being worthy of love... I want to be loved. I want to feel like I've made a difference. I want to leave a positive impression. I want to feel like I belong. I want to teach. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to love unconditionally. I want to have fun with life. I want to cherish my friendships. I want to care because it's the right thing to do. I want to not be afraid to be myself. I want to be there for my friends. I want to posess unwavering hope. I want to love like I've never been hurt.

A few of my favorite shots from today...

2009-04-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

A Weight Lifted Off My Shoulders...

2009-04-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

For some reason I feel like there is this huge burden lifted off my shoulders. A burden that has weighed me down all lent and for many many months before that. A burden that took control of my life and told me that I had nothing. A burden that consumed my schoolwork, thoughts and dreams.

Just when I thought I couldn't handle the situation, it was lifted. I can't explain how grateful I am for it to no longer be controlling my life, how grateful I am to finally be able to surrender my burden to Him and how eternally grateful I am to my friends who have helped to carry me through and helped me to see the beauty in life. For a long time it was hard for me to see the sun shining right in front of me. It was hard for me to see the beautiful friends that were before me, carrying me through this crazy life. I am so so so freaking thankful for all friends, new and old, who made themselves present during this hard time in my life and said the most amazing things when I needed to hear them most.

I'm not really sure what exactly changed... Was it part of the Easter Tridium? Was it part of finally being able to get some sleep and relax a bit? Who knows, I do know that things started to turn around Friday. When I was walking into Church Friday, I saw a friend of my brothers and he said to me... "I hope there's more than 69 people in here today" hahaha an inside joke from confirmation that made me laugh hysterically. I couldn't even look at him during that two hour service without wanting to laugh. It was the first time in awhile that I couldn't look at someone without wanting to laugh, well minus a select couple of friends who can always make me laugh.

From then until now, there has just been a peace surrounding me. A peace that a few days ago I didn't know if I would ever feel again. A peace and joy that seemed so freaking distant. I actually have laughed more in the past few days than I have in the past few months. I pray that this peace and joy stay.

Don't get me wrong, by all means I am not over everything that happened. I probably won't be for a long time, but now I know that I have friends that will hold me close and carry me when I can't carry myself. There are still times where I see things or say things that trigger memories. Memories that I will always hold close to my heart but at this moment still make me sad.

For now, I am not going to dwell on the past that I can not change or the future that is not certain... I will focus on the present because that is what I know I can deal with and change the outcome of.

Love, always and forever.

What a freaking week...

2009-04-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

This has been such an emotional and stressful week for me.

Now that it's spring break, I have a little breathing room and hopefully I'll be able to take the time to think things through, pick up the pieces, and begin to rebuild my life.

This week was so flippin crazy, probably one of the most emotional holy week's of my life. Monday, I most likely failed a biochem test. Tuesday, I had my meeting at school that brought back a lot of bad memories. Memories of the email, speech memories, reminders that I could no longer be there for my speechies, reminders of feelings that I was finally starting to get over. It brought back the tears and stresses of what was no longer. Right after the meeting I had a super amazing hug from a great friend that I really really needed. Then I met a friend for coffee and was able to vent and get things off my chest that she understood. By the end of the afternoon we were laughing about random things like ususal. I am so thankful that we were able to talk because she knows exactly what I've been through. So after we met and talked, I came home to finish my unit plan and my field report that were due Wednesday. I ended up going to bed at like 1 with just having finished the unit plan and barely starting my field report. Wednesday I went to biochem and then skipped my assessment class to finish my projects... which I barely finished (I had about an hour to spare). Last night in class, I started working on my lesson plan that was due in my night class tonight. I ended up falling asleep typing it and then woke up this morning and worked on it some more. I met with my partener a few hours before class started and we finished it with 20 minutes to spare.

Onto the better parts... last night a friend and I were talking and she said: "You have a beautiful and happy soul. You’re a wonderful and caring and genuine individual and you’re very rare to this world. People treat you that way because they just don’t know what a truly amazing person you are." That hit me really hard, I actually have friends who want what's best for me. They value me and my friendship and my personality. They truely have my best intentions at heart and for that it's been a long time!

A bit overwhelmed!

2009-04-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

I am in desperate need of strength, patience, time management, and motivation this week! I have a lot going on this Holy Week and unfortunately it's not things that I can say, "Oh, it's holy week... I'll push these things aside and focus on God and ending lent."

I simply come asking for prayers as I try to get through this week. Here is a bit of my schedule to give you a synopsis of what I'll be dealing with and the emotional ride I'll be on!

Today: I'm pretty sure that I failed my biochemistry test this morning and am trying to overcome that blow.

Tomorrow is my meeting with admistration regarding the work thing which is pretty much guarenteed to be an emotional period for me. After that I'm going have coffee with friends and tutor.

Wednesday, I have class in the morning and two projects due that night. Neither of these projects are finished. My unit plan project which is probably going to end up being about 80 pages long is almost done. All I have left for it is two lesson plans, two rubrics, write five more multiple choice questions for my unit exam, create an answer sheet, and complete my answer key. The other project, I have observed for but have yet to write any of my classroom observation reports on (that alone will probably be 8 - 10 pages).

Thursday night, I have a lesson plan due with a partener that we haven't really started on yet. We know what we want to do, but I may just finish it myself that day because I have no time at all to work on it prior to Thursday. We shall see...

And after 8:00 Thursday night, I'll be able to actually breathe thank goodness!

Love Heals Your Heart

2009-04-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again

Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain
that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

I just heard this song by Third Day and it spoke to my heart tonight.

May we love like we've never been hurt and may we let the love of God carry us through during the times of pain and hurt.

Love and prayers, always.

As I begin to pick up the pieces...

2009-03-31T19:14:00.000-07:00

I never thought that something could break me so much, I thought I was stronger than the petty drama and crazy people that were intertwined with my job. I know it seems like this is all I talk about lately and really it is because it's something that was ingrained in my life for six years and all of a sudden it's gone. It's something that I cared about and loved with all my heart and now I can't do it anymore. But honestly, I would take all this pain all over again for some of the kids. Some of them have become more than just my kids, they are my friends. And my friends are the ones that have kept me going through all of this.

Yesterday morning, I was sitting outside enjoying the day and doing some last minute cramming before my assessment test. It was such a beautiful day, but I couldn't seem to concentrate on my studies nor how gorgeous the weather was... I was in my own little world thinking about the my kids and what I couldn't do anymore. It was in this instant when the serinity prayer popped into my head: "God grant me the serinity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". It's a prayer that I've heard many times but it never made sense to me. There was nothing I could ever relate to it, so I never really prayed it until now.

I now realize that there are situations that I can not change, but better yet there are ones that I can. I cannot change the fact that I'm no longer coaching. I cannot change the fact that I miss my kids tremendously. I cannot change the fact that I'd give anything to still be with them. BUT... I can change how I feel about it. I can change the impact that this has on my life into a positive one. I can change how I handle what has been placed before me. I can live my life hoping that I've made a difference in the six years that I was there.

And now as I try to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, accept what I can't change, but be courageous enough to change those I am able to I ask for your prayers. This journey by no means will be easy or full of joy. It will be one of peaks and vallies, one of sunshine and thunderstorms, and happiness and sorrow. Change is not something that I handle well, so I pray that this may be a semi-smooth transition and that God's will may be done.

Love and prayers, now & always!

A few things that are weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

2009-03-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

Throughout my current journey with work and such, there have been so many people that have made it a point to tell me: "you know, why do you even care?" or "it doesn't even matter, why are you making such a big deal about it" or "forget them and move on" or "just let it go" or "get over it". Tonight was something different though, a friend said, "it's perfectly okay for you to feel the way you do. I couldn't imagine what it meant to you". It was just a breath of support in a world that seems to look down upon my feelings. I know this sounds really weird but I truly feel like I'm grieving my job. It wasn't ever a job: I was never paid and it was fun for me. "Work" became my life, the people became my family and closest friends. I was always with them either through preperation or competition. It was and is quite hard for me to "move on". The whole situation consumes my thoughts and mind pretty much all the time. I can't look at the pictures or even the shirt hanging in my closet without wanting to cry.

Part of me continues to feel horrible because I am so flippin angry about the whole situation. You'd think two weeks after it happened my anger would start to disipate, yea right. Like it happened via email, that irks me. Then I still have no idea what I did, which yea. I have a feeling that there has been false information spread but I'm not sure.. anyway. There are just so many unanswered questions for me. There are certain people that when I see them every muscle in my body immediately gets tense and I hate that. I hate having anger in my heart. I just long for things to be normal and that feeling of anger to disipate.

A little while ago I was listening to the radio and they were talking about how we are becoming more and more dependent on the almost instant communication factor when using texting and email. They were talking about how we have to wait for God's now, not our now. They were talking about how God's now is when he wants it to be not when we want it to be. That's one of my struggles right now, waiting for God's now and being patient during that wait rather than fustrated.

I'm falling asleep while I type this so I'm going to attempt to get some rest.

Love always.

I couldn't be more thankful...

2009-03-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a rough one for me but I had some amazing people who helped me get through it. It seems as though some of the most amazing people walk into my life when I needed them most. I had multiple encounters with people like these yesterday, but these are a few that spoke to my heart and I am so thankful.

Encounter 1: A new friend made me realise how proactive I could be in a stiuation where I felt completely helpless. She simply said: its perfectly okay to want to be there for them and take away their hurt but there is something you can do... you can lift your worries for them up in prayer. It was something so simple yet profound. In my worry and concern for them, I had completely forgot about the power of prayer. She brought me back to being proactive when all I wanted to do was focus on the negativity of the situation. I thank you so much for always having the perfect words that speak to my heart.

Encounter 2: We were both having really bad days yesterday, but somehow there was a comfort in knowing that someone understood and had many of the same feelings. She was able to make me laugh when I didn't think it was possible. She listened and allowed me to vent, that was exactly what I needed at the moment. She is always there and I know I can count on her to always listen and make me laugh. Thank you for all you have done and continue to do for me.

Encounter 3: This one takes me back to Friday... he called just to talk and vent and ended up making me laugh hysterically about talking tapioca balls and a lost cell phone that he was actually talking to me on at the time he lost it. He was so instrumental in getting me through the weekend although he probably doesn't even know it. His calls, texts, and messages allowed me to vent and then look on the brighter side. Last night we were talking about some things and feelings that were going through my head and he simply said "just know that you can always count on me". Those nine little words meant so much to me at a moment where I had just been hurt by something else. He has been so patient with me and my emotional craziness. I thank you for always being there even when I push you away. Thank you for being the strong and caring person you are.

I love yall so so so much!

Numb...

2009-03-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what to think right now. My heart hurts to the point where I'm not really sure whats happening. Last night I cried more than I ever though was possible. It killed me knowing that I couldn't be there for my friends who were hurting. They know the circumstances that I'm in and completely understand. Its just that I wish I could do so much more than I'm able to. The situation wasn't really helped this morning when my mom said: "be prepared, you know you're going to get the blame if they loose". That killed me. I already feel bad that I couldn't be there to help them prepare and support them through this crazy weekend. Now in the back of my head is the feeling and thoughts that I'm responsible. I already feel bad enough that they had to put up with what they have had to this year now there is more guilt placed on my shoulders. I'm really not sure what to think and feel. I know that they'll get through it, they're strong enough and can persevere... I know that I'll be able to as well, it will just take a little time!

2009-03-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

I read this on a friends facebook this morning and it spoke to my heart:

"God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you need: to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

Creating a door in the wall around my heart.

2009-03-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

Last night was hard. I'm really not sure what exactly triggered it but obviously something did. Maybe it was an idle mind in my diversity class were I just started thinking about everything going on, who knows. All I know is that last night all I longed to do was one of two things: either curl up in a ball and stay there for awhile or be with the kids at the tournament.

It hit me last night that this was really forever. It hit me that they were competing and I couldn't be there for them. It hit me that it wasn't just a week off, that I was gone. I almost feel like I made no difference in their lives. I feel like all I did was almost in vain and as soon as I'm gone its like I was never there. I know they have a lot going on and I really didn't expect them to miss me. I really don't know what I expected to happen. Actually, I didn't expect to leave until after this season was over. It hurts to not be able to see them and talk to them. I went from seeing them almost everyday of the week to not seeing them at all. Thats hard for me. In the process I lost someone who I thought I could trust, someone who mom keeps reminding me that she saw that I couldn't trust them long ago. I guess I was nieve to think that after a mere six years that I could trust someone who became like a second mom to me.

Yea, I learned that lesson. I have now come to realize that trust doesn't come with time... trust comes with knowing that a friend is whole heartedly a good person who wants whats best for you. A person who'll call you, even though they knew nothing about what you were feeling in that moment, and make you laugh hysterically (yes, that did just happen as I'm typing this blog). Or a friend that texts you just to say, I love you or have a great day or I'm proud of you. I'm beginning to learn the difference between an aquantience and a true friend who wants what is best for you, who wants you to be the best you can be, who wants you to be happy and have fun with life. I can honestly say that I am so lucky to be able to call my friends my friends. I'm blessed to have friends walk into my life when I feel as though so many aquantiences are walking out.

This morning as I was preparing for school, I opened up a mediation book that I often use in the mornings to help me focus and prepare for the day. This morning's passage was on how we often build a wall around our hearts to protect what is inside from the chaos of the outer world. Even though I told myself long ago that I was going to break down that wall and never let it be build up again, the pain and hurt of being betrayed caused me to rebuild that wall quicker than I had ever imagined. I had been hurt and didn't want to be hurt ever again so my solution was to build a wall surrounding my heart and shield everyone from causing me pain. This morning it hit me that once again I had a thick wall around my heart and was not letting love in or out. I was afraid of being cut open and left to bleed again. I now realize that I have to break down part of that barrier to allow for God's love to enter and mend my broken heart. Not only do I have to open my heart to God, but I have to open it to my friends to help me overcome this darkness and rebuild the life that I left slip away from me in my sadness.

To my friends: I ask you to help me focus on the postives in life becuase there are so many that I am not focusing on right now. I ask that you be patient with me as my heart is still grieving and trying to rebuild. I ask that you continue to support me as you have always been. I can't say often enough how thankful I am to you for supporting me and loving me through these troubles. I do have the best friends on the face of the planet. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

May we all be able to work towards creating an opening in our hearts to let love in and begin to heal.

Love always and forever.

And then it hit me...

2009-03-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

Something as simple as a phone call, email, text, or i/m from a friend that changes everything.

Tonight a really good friend was like "you have to listen to this song" so I pulled it up on youtube, listened to the song and just kept listening to other songs by them. The band is Tenth Avenue North and I had previously fallen in love with their song, "By Your Side" well now I can say I'm addicted to most of their songs. They are just so real and the lyrics are basically the definition of my life recently. So I'm listening to that and it got me thinking about the past few months...

Since January I can say my life has changed so much. It's scary sometimes to think about just how much I have changed.

-- My friends. Yall are one major part of my life that has changed. I have made some amazing new friends that I have no clue where I'd be without them! Old friends have stepped back into my life and I couldn't be more thankful. It is my friends who have gotten me through the tough times and made me laugh when the world felt like it was crashing down on me. I don't think I could ever repay each one of you for what you have done for me and how you have helped mold me into what I am today and who I will continue to grow into.

-- My career. No, I didn't change my major, but I have a more open mind about my career. A few weeks ago all I wanted to do was teach and coach and one particular school because it meant so much to me. Now that couldn't be further from my perspective. I am ready and willing to do whatever is necessary to teach at a school where I am appreciated and I love my job, no matter where it is. I'm ready to start my one program and create my own legacy.

-- My personality. I have become a much stronger person. I have learned so much about myself and trusting others in my journey. I have realized how much I was being taken advantage of and it was about time! I now know where I need to be and am striving to reach that goal. I am still caring and loving just as much if not more now. I have truely grown to appreciate who I am and what I have become. I am still working on toughining up and not being so much of a push over. I'm tired of just taking shit from people and conforming to what they want me to be rather than being myself.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm living under a microscope where everything I do is being critiqued and I'm getting in trouble for things that I didn't even do and things I didn't even say. That kinda sums up my feelings about coaching. By being a little over a week out of the situation and still not knowing what I did wrong is still really puzzling to me. All I was told last week was that I had to wait two weeks and then we would have a meeting. Now I'm not really sure if I even want to go to this meeting. I was talking to an old friend toinght and he was telling me how sorry he was about the whole situation and you know I'm totally over feeling sorry for myself. I had my little bout with depression but am done now and trying to move on. Of course it will be hard because those kids are my heart and I have become such good friends with some of them. But our friendships won't change, in fact they'll probably end up getting stronger. Of course my heart will be hurting a lot this weekend knowing that they are going to the state tournament tomorrow, Friday and Saturday and knowing that I can't be there to support them. They know though the circumtances I've been placed in and that by no means does that mean I'm not supporting them every step of them way. I've spent too much time with them just to not worry about them this weekend. Things have occured that break my heart and anger me because I see things happening and me getting in trouble for them but others doing so much worse and it just being overlooked. But I suppose life is unfair and there is nothing I can do to change it right now.

Well, the rainy weather is begining to put me to sleep so I'm heading out.

Love always and forever!

Teachers make the worst students...

2009-03-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

Isn't that so true!

I can certainly attest to the fact that since beginning college I have become one of the worst students ever. Hahaha, I know me right? Sure I go to class, I have only missed one class so far this semester... but do I do anything in class? That answer is straight up no, well except for biochemistry of course!

This is my schedule breakdown and what I do in each class:
1.) Biochemistry - I actually take notes but never study until the day of the exam
2.) Principles of Assessment - I either color, do work for another class, text, daydream, or some combination of those.
3.) Analytical Chemistry Lab - I have to actually do the labs but text in the process
4.) Classroom Management - I text all class or draw pictures on my powerpoint notes or make lists
5.) Diversity - I love this class, but while semi paying attention to what's going on I text, a lot.

Now, although this lack of paying attention in class and studying only on the day of my midterms has stretched throughout my college career... my lack of motivation and increased procrastination has gotten pretty out of hand.

For example, I have a midterm tonight in my management class. Have i started studying? No, but I have reread chapters and highlighted important things! Am I worried about the test? Of course I am, I just can't seem to motivate myself to get the studying done. Another example from that class. I looked at the calendar today while not paying attention in biochemistry and realized that I have a unit plan due in two weeks that is supposed to take some 40ish hours of out of class work. Have I started it? Well kinda, I have one lesson plan finished and the second of seven started. I just can't seem to motivate myself to get my butt in gear and finish the darn project. Luckily, I have combined that project with one that I have to do for my assessment class so once I finish one, I'll just have to tweak it for the other. Now, its really not as bad as it seems because I have all my lesson plans figured out with what I want to teach on what days and what activities will be tied in with those lectures but I just haven't typed it all into a pretty lesson plan and powerpoint with teacher notes.

Being the perfectionist that I am, knowing that I have all this stuff due in the coming weeks and none of it is formally started on scares me to death because I know before I turn it in, it will have to be perfect or else I'll get really mad at myself.

Now my questioning self, wonders if this is the result of all kinds of stuff happening outside of school this semester. Does it have something to do with where I used to work, the situations that I had to deal with, etc.? I know for a fact that I am procrastinating on my observation hours because I don't want to step foot on that campus much less observe the people who backstabbed me which I have to do because of the way that class works. Possibly but that really isn't an excuse now because I am out of those situations and need to refocus on getting my stuff done.

So my plan for the rest of the day is as follows:
1.) Go to assessment and study for my management midterm.
2.) Mass
3.) Go to McLaurin and make sure they register me for my two theatre classes I have to take next semester
4.) Go home and eat lunch.
5.) Study for my midterm.
6.) Take a break and write a lesson plan.
7.) Study some more
8.) Go back to school for my midterm at 5.

Hopefully I can stick to it and not get distracted by other randomness! Wish me luck!

My heart hurts.

2009-03-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

My heart hurts in knowing that in two short days something that I've worked so hard on and put my everything into will be going into competition and I can't be there. It kills me that I have been there supporting and preparing them all year for this one weekend and I can't be there to give them a hug and leave them with encouraging words as they go off into their rounds. I feel as though I'm being forced to abandon them and something that I love so much. I hope that they know that I'll be there supporting them through it all in spirit. For the older ones it saddens me that I can't be their support system as they prepare to go into what may be one of their last rounds of competition. I can't be there to say those little things that I'm known to say, like "be appropriate". I know that those who know the circumstances that I have been forced into understand and know that I'll always love and support them like I always have. I've truly been thrown into a situation that I have no control over. There is supposed to be a meeting next week but I'm not really sure if it's even worth the battle. Part of me wants to know why but part of me doesn't want to be thrown back into the emotional whirlwind that I was in last week. I think I need to deserve to know why I continue to be thrown under the bus and why I'm always the one blamed when someone else is doing something "against policy" and heads are turned and eyes and ears are closed to whats going on. If this meeting does happen that is something that I will bring up. There is nothing that I can do to control the situation better than I am right now. All I can say is that I've learned who I can trust and who I can't. I think I've taken this situation and handled is as professionally as possible. I just hope my true character is able to withstand the pressure of them attempting to deform it with their lies and false accusations to make me look bad. I don't understand why I'm always the one taken advantage of and the one that always gets hurt. I feel like this was and will always be my heart. And when I love something I put my heart, soul, and energy into it. I made so many sacrifices to better those kids and what they loved and get them to have the same experience I was given in school. I just hope that going into this weekend I want them all to not give up and give it their all. I know that there are only a few that know what happened and the rest just see that I'm not around and were just told that the "drama has been taken care of". I never knew how much it meant to me until I was forced to abandon it.

My struggle.

2009-03-23T18:28:00.000-07:00

Last night was odd for me and the difficulty crossed over into today and I'm looking for insight.

This has been a struggle for me that I have recognized recently and been well for lack of a better term struggling with. Part of my lenten pennance is to attend Mass more than just on Sundays. I'll admit that last week was hard for me and I procrastinated until Friday to make my weekday mass committment because of everything that has been going on. That's besides the point. I've always known that Wisdom had something really special for me about it. It didn't take long for me to realize that. There is something about the Mass there that makes it indescribable.

Anyway, as I have been going to weekday Mass at there recently it has become a bigger part of my life. Attending Sunday Mass at my home parish just isn't home anymore. That feeling began a few weeks ago and has progressively gotten worse in the past two Sundays or so.

And of course with struggle comes questions:
-- Is it wrong for me to feel like a huge difference?
-- Why do I feel absolutely nothing during Sunday Mass at my "home parish"?
-- Why can I not concentrate like I can during weekday Mass?
-- Should there really be a difference, God is God and shouldn't it be the same experience?
-- What's wrong with me that I feel different?

Like there is a huge difference in my Sunday mass and my weekday masses and I think its the Church and the atmosphere.

For example: last night I went to Mass like usual. Walking into Church there were these signs posted around Church that said "John 3:16" there must have been like 20 or 30 posted all over church: on the pews, on the wall, on the lectern, on the kneelers for the readers, on the chrism cabinent, on the holy water pool, etc. It was so distracting to me. I had trouble concentrating the whole Mass. All I remember about the homily is: the priest saying, "I wanted you to feel like you were in a sporting event... at every sporting event you will find one sign from an evangelist that reads John 3:16." It was at that point where I completely tuned him out and went into my own little world. Not a world of prayer, just my strange thoughts that race through my mind. I was only pulled out of my daydream when the congregation was repeating John 3:16 phrase by phrase after the priest. What had I missed and when did this become memorize bible verse time so you can regergitate (for lack of a better term) it when people question your faith. Honestly, tell me how simply stating "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son..." The Catholic faith is so much more than that. We have such a beautiful faith that can not be described in that one verse. It was hard for me to focus on prayer during the concecration and after communion. All I could think about was leaving. On the other hand, I went to Mass today and it was a completely different experience. Yes, I drifted off into my own thoughts during the homily but they were prayerful thoughts that laid my concerns and fears out before God. They were questions as to why I was going through this crazyness of being torn between the whys of the whole situation. Apparently as Mass concluded God was not ready for me to understand why.

But a conversation that I had last night with a really good friend of mine kept popping into my head. I was talking to her about how I was feeling and that kinda thing and she revealed to me something that could really be behind it all. She simply said "Thats the same battle that I went through. And maybe its beacuse there has been a *hurt* from mrs. eva and youth group that when you are there is still in your sprit even if you dont know it." And that got me thinking... She was so right. I never really accepted the whole youth group stuff that went down and my heart was/is still bitter. But maybe it goes deeper. Maybe it is the hurt of constantly being rejected by the majority of youth group people. Maybe it was the feelings of never being good enough for them. Maybe it was the knowing the when I had a problem I couldn't confide in the youth minister or priest because the reaction would simply be, "you ought to seek professional help". Maybe its the youth minister ruining my reputation at Church. Maybe it was being promised a CCD class but then again being backstabbed and rejected by the staff and having that opportunity ripped right out of my hands. Maybe just maybe all of the above is part of the reason why this is my struggle.

The true reason is something that I'll have to wait for. But I'm wondering if you have had this sort of experience in any context and how you handled it?

Love and prayers, now and always.

So many questions...

2009-03-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

As I sit in the computer lab as I normally do on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings killing time between biochemistry and principles of teaching and assessment, I find my mind wandering into far off places rather than actually getting work done. Today is particularly different though, I've been in here for 15 minutes and have yet to pull out a book or my jump drive. My mind is in so many different places that I'm finding it hard to fully accomplish an academic task. Amidst everything going on there are so many questions fogging up my mind that it's hard to think.

It occurred to me at Mass last night that I have so much work to do and so many obstacles to face. But am I ready for them? Apparently not because God is pulling me back and will only give me what he thinks I can handle. There are so many times where I'm laying down at night, can sleep because my silly brain won't quiet itself enough to let me dose off that the question pops into my head: "God why do you think I can handle this?" Its probably one that I ask quite a bit because I don't have the confidence in myself that I can get through the valleys of life. I asked it when I was forced to leave youth ministry, when my grandpa got sick and I cared for him, when Ms. B died suddenly, the afternoon that her eulogy was written, when my grandpa died, when I wrote his obituary and planned his memorial Mass, on the days I'd spend with my grandma, when I was again forced to leave something else that I loved dearly, when friends who I thought I needed most suddenly disappear, when I find my heart being hardened because I have yet to find the strength to forgive a certain group of people, I could go on and on and on... but I think you get my drift. Why does He think I'm ready? While writing this the answer has come to me: it's because God has faith in me. Simple I know but so profound. God has given me these obstacles because He knows that I can persevere and that I will be a stronger and more faithful person because of that. He has faith in me, faith in all of us --- how completely amazing is that!

Yet I still find myself clouded with a million questions and random thoughts when I should be focused on the unit plan who's due date is rapidly approaching, or my assessment plan that I'm beginning to fall behind on, or the midterm that I have this week, or biochemistry work, or what classes I'm going to take next semester. I know that this seems pretty dang important since its my education and I will soon be an educator and shouldn't be procrastinating, but it's my nature. Its so me to worry about everyone else before myself. Make sure my brother knows what he's doing with his research paper, make sure sufficient preparation is taking place for certain things, just randomness that I know I shouldn't be so worried about. But oh well...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what the future holds, but you know I need to think about the now and let God handle my future. There is nothing I can do right now to create my future so why worry right? For example, ever since I started in the college of education (after my first semester of college) I have wanted to teach one certain thing at one particular school. That's all I focused on, accomplishing that task and I became so closed minded on everything else that was going on. Upon recent happenings, God has quickly jerked me out of that fantasy and threw me into the chaos of His plan. I wanted to do ABC where God wanted XYZ... Considering this revelation if I can call it that has only happened less than a week ago, I'm still learning and adapting to it. I can honestly say that my eyes have been opened to the hurt that I was experiencing but pushed aside. My wounds are still fresh and quite emotional for me as I still grapple with the fact of just how much of a fantasy world I was living in for the past three years. The pain of realizing just how much I have been used as a doormat, seen as a pushover, and called when I was needed and kicked to the curb when the task was accomplished goes pretty deep.

But you know as these feelings and thoughts rush back to me, God makes me giggle. As I prepared for the beginning of Lent a few weeks ago, I promised God that I would not worry so much about a certain situation (lets call it S) and focus more on Him. Silly God saw that I wasn't upholding that promise, looked at me and said "Ha! She said she wasn't going to worry and stress herself about S..." And His will was done. Of course it isn't easy and won't be for awhile. But I can totally picture God setting me straight and it makes me laugh because I can totally picture sitting up in the heavens laughing at me when I'm on youtube watching The Lion King in slow motion and then on fast forward just because now I actually have the time to do so. Or saying "see I told you so" when I throw my nonsense questions at Him. God as I picture Him in my head has such a great sense of humor and it makes me laugh when I try to fathom what goes through His mind as he watches me here on Earth.

Anywho... I'm really not sure if any of this makes sense, but I have successfully fulfilled my hour to finish between classes. And now I'm off to class!

Love and prayers always and forever!

On recent happenings...

2009-03-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

I've been telling myself for quite awhile that I needed to start updating this thing frequently again to deal with things and just get thoughts out of my head. I feel like now is the perfect opportunity to accomplish that task.

I'm in the midst of so much, that it gets to be so overwhelming at times. I'm worried about being strong for myself and my friends. I'm worried about being the person God wants me to be.I'm worried about my future. I'm worried about life in general. The combonation of these happenings as well as the personal drama that has been stirring in my life has caused me to loose hope in my self and all those around me.

I can truely say that I lost myself in all of the chaos. In loosing my self: I lost my faith, my friends, my joy, my hope, and my love. Yes, I was still going to Church and leaving with a smile on my face... but something was missing. Something that I couldn't place my finger on. I've had friends (both new and old) who have stepped in just to lend an ear and shoulder to cry on but it just seemed like they didn't fully get it or didn't really care. It is not until now that I realize that it wasn't them, it was/is me. I wasn't fully opening up to them and relying on them in everything that was/is going on. It was m that was the problem not them. It was me who didn't realize how amazing and supportive they have all been through this journey. They have been there when I couldn't speak I was crying so hard, and I just pushed them aside. To all who I have been alongside me through this journey, I thank you. I thank you for putting up with my tears and depression. I thank you for encouraging me along the way although I was too blind to see it. I thank you for being my strength when I couldn't be strong for myself. And finally, I thank you for being you and loving me through it all.

Lately I've been rethinking the many different facets of my life. Now that I'm no longer coaching, I've had time to think and reassess. Of course its been a long and trying journey with the team but God no longer had a reason for me to be there so He did what he had to. And yes for awhile after that happened I was upset and angry... no wait I still am. I've had to take things hour by hour and day by day just to persevere. I'll openly admit, it's not easy whatsoever and I know it won't be. It's my cross to bear so to say and I know God wouldn't have thrown it at me if I couldn't handle it. With that, I went through a phase where I wasn't too sure if education was still my calling, fortunately my faith has been renewed in my calling to be a teacher and so I will continue along that journey.

Yesterday was one of the best days in a long time. My saddness and worry had taken over my life in the previous weeks and I had trouble finding the happiness in life. Yesterday changed all that. Thursday afternoon, I got a text from a friend asking me to go to ayf. After some convincing I said I would go. Then I questioned myself: with everything going on in my life, could I really go and abandon myself to God and be around Him and people on fire for Him all day? What was God thinking? I was kinda mad at Him for throwing me a curve ball the second I thought things were going to be okay. But it was an opportunity, an opportunity to get away for the day and possibly make things right with Him again. Saying yes was probably the best decision of my life. The begining part of the day was just normal ayf-esque. I had been three times before and the morning/early afternoon sessions were just like previous years. It wasn't until Mass that things changed for me. I prayed like normal before Mass. During the Mass, I told God: "Ok... you called me here for a reason. Help my heart to be opened and accepting towards everything you want me to hear. Give me the strength and courage to move on and accept Your will for me." During communion He truely did just that, He prepared my heart for what He had instore. Fast forward to adoration later that night. Let me just say I love that we have the ability as Catholics for adoration. Completely surrendering everything to Jesus as He walks through the crowd and is placed on the altar for us to physically pray to. To me adoration is the "seeing what we believe" part of the faith. Anyway... adoration was almost ending (I'm really not sure why it was so short) and I remember telling God: "okay so its almost over and I feel no different than earlier... whats going on. I can't do this anymore, I need you're help." It was at that moment when I lost it. I heard Him say: "Michelle, I'm here. I've always been here. Give me your pain and sorrow. I know you want answers now, but you are not yet prepared for what I have instore for you. Find your strength in me and be patient. It will come when you are ready." So I immediately broke down, it was such a simple answer that I needed to hear although I didn't want to. It gave me the peace and serinity that I needed. I just didn't want to leave that place, the place of fully surrendering to Him and listening to what He wanted me to hear. It renewed my faith, my hope, my love, my spirit, and my joy. For that I am so grateful. I'm so blessed to have such amazing friends who have walked into my life at the perfect time, including a few yesterday.

So where do I go from here? I'm continuing to take things one step at a time and not over analyze things. I am striving to be as God wants me to be. I pray that I may see my friends for each and every amazing blessing they are to me. I pray that I may continue to hear God's voice as I grow closer to Him. I pray that I am willing and able to surrender my everything to Him and His plan for me. I pray that I'm able to lay my burdens at His feet, knowing that I can't do it on my own. I pray in thanksgiving for yesterday and all that has been revealed to me. I pray that I may be as much as a blessing to you as you have been to me.

Love and prayers, now and forever.

Play Week!

2009-02-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

So it's officially play week and life is crazy as I thought it would be, but I'm not complaining... yet! hahaha.

I was able to catch up on a lot of sleep this weekend being sick and all. I pretty much slept all day Saturday and took and amazing nap Sunday afternoon. Yesterday, I had a biochem test, ick! It was incredibly hard, don't think I did well at all. Anyway as if I don't have enough going on this week, I got an email from the college that I have to pay a mandatory $50 graduation fee by the end of this week as well as fill out a ton of paperwork (mind you that I don't graduate for another year). So they tell me about this Monday, and that this is all due this week. Ugh. Stupid college. The rest of this week will be spent between class and Angelle Hall and getting all that crap done for COE so I can graduate next year.

On the other hand, life is so much better right now than this time last week. I'm still kind of leary about what I say around her, but I'm better. Still learning and trying not to have my life center on work incase it would happen again I wouldn't be a mess like I was last week. I'm working on reestablishing friendships that I have negelected and doing other things like taking more pictures!

I can honestly say I'm a little obcessed with my amature photography. Friday, I went to a soccer game and took a few... 320... pictures of the game and random other things that I thought were "pretty"! hahaha!

I've go to go get ready for class and finish up some homework before I leave for class!

Until next time, love.

It's been forever...

2009-02-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

I have been neglecting posting partially because I don't have the time and partially becuase I'm not too sure whats been going on recently in my life. To say things have been crazy is a huge understatement. School is slowly making me insane and work on the other hand, well I'm not really sure whats going on with that. I'll skip through the weeks I was gone mainly because they are a blur and I don't want to think about them. This past week contained enough emotion to last me a year. It all started Monday when I emailed some teachers for obeservations. A few things happened and I got an email from one of them saying that we needed to talk which confused me quite a bit. After calling on a few friends to help me out and help me to "prepare" for this conversation, I was slightly more confident but still had this really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. That night, I had a dream that my worst fears were going to come true in this talk and I'd be devestated. Unfortunately, the next morning when I woke up and checked my email that nightmare came true and I was quite upset. Part of that email said, "you've been doing more harm than good". If you know anything about me, you know that killed me. Luckily my jury duty had been cancelled and it was my week off of Analytical Lab. I spent all day in my room in tears, literally all day. I felt like my whole world was crashing down before my eyes. I realized how much my life truely revolved around this activity. I realized that I had pushed friends aside to do speech stuff. Now I was faced with the fact that speech was no longer going to be a part of my life. Luckily, I have some amazing friends who supported me and listened to my cry my eyes out on the other side of the phone or computer screen. Without them I'm not to sure how I would have coped. The hardest part was having to tell the kids. They truely are my heart and I didn't at all want to hurt them, especially since apparently I had already done so. Eventually, I was able to tell a few of them and ended up crying myself to sleep that night only becuase I had class in the morning. The following day, I had class until 12 and then was heading over there to work on some other stuff. It literally killed me and took all that I had to get through that day without breaking down. I was able to see some of the kids who were completely supportive of all that was going on and gave me the strength to get through the day. They even made me laugh which was amazing. Thursday I was there again, all day, and had a conversation with her after school. It was totally crazy and completely opposite of what was stated via email. I left that meeting with my heart semi-mended and knowing that it wasn't completely over. So I'm officially back at work, just not putting as much energy into it as before. Of course my energy is there for times when I coach, but it can no longer be my life. I have to be able to create friendships and such outside of that. That reality hit me pretty hard this week when I didn't really know where to turn when my world came crashing down and was then rebuilt. Some amazing friends have "come out of the woodwork" to listen and advice. You know who you are. Let me just say that to yall I am eternally grateful. It was the group of you that gave me the strength and encouraging words to not give up and not let this whole situation get the best of me. I hope you all know how grateful I am and how amazing you are. I really do know that I have a support system out there! Now after all that craziness and the days of being quite emotional, my immune system was worn down to almost nothing and now I'm incredibly sick with some sort of chest cold thingy. Lovely.

Until next time, I shall leave you with a quote shared with my by a friend who helped me get through the week:

"When we dream for a life without difficulties, remember that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."

An Emotional Rollercoaster of a Weekend...

2009-01-19T19:59:00.000-08:00

Ok... this weekend was insane!

Thursday, I took a "mental day", I had been at work everyday that week and desperately needed a day off before the tournament this past weekend. So thats what I did. I took a day and did nothing until class at 5:00 that night. Besides being creeped out by an old man! lol.

So Friday morning I went to class and then headed straight to the tournament after class. I get there and the drama begins. I was told that all the duets dropped which ended up being completely wrong, 1/2 of the duets dropped. So after that little episode, I just was kinda whatever. I had more important things to worry about, like finding a lost binder and finalizing the writing of intros before competition actually began. Once the intros were written and the missing binder was found, we warmed up and sent kids off to their rounds. One of the girls and I sat in the cafeteria where we started talking and venting and such. I ended up getting madder, not at her of course because she's amazing. Come to find out some stuff involving me had gone down in class that morning, lovely right. I'm already self-concious, I don't need someone (much less someone whos supposed to be an adult) talking shit about me behind my back. Its not like the kids aren't going to tell me. Duh. So anyway finding that out really really upset me, a lot. I guess it was in a sense the "straw that broke the camel's back" for lack of a better analogy. I'm so thankful that I was able to vent to her and get a few fustrations out. That was almost a breaking point for me, but I knew for the kids sake I had to keep it all in as best as I could. So we talked for awhile and the kids started getting out of rounds and such so I went talk to them to see how things were going. Which is when I saw an amazing friend that I hadn't seen in awhile. It was so good to see him and spend the weekend with him. The kids refered to him as the "crazy guy" that I was with, you'd swear they think I don't have friends that are guys. He helped me to stay grounded and realize what was really important. I'm so thankful that he was there. So the day went on and the drama from earlier started eating away at me, making me paranoid. By the end of the night, I was exhausted and tired of putting on a front. Another one of the girls and I talked while waiting for her rounds and that was a pretty great convo. After being treated like one of the kids, I had enough and went to see how the kids were doing. Of course it was like pulling teeth to see ballots, but I didn't let my guard down. So after seeing a few, I called one of the kids to give him things to think about overnight about his piece to improve for the next day. We ended up talking for awhile about a lot and I'm grateful for that. He reminded me of a lot that I really appreciate. We talked and naturally I cried but pulled myself together enough to where you couldn't really tell I was crying as I told the last of the kids bye for the night, except for one of the seniors. He could tell I was upset and came sit on the bench next to me and we talked for a little while. We were into a pretty deep discussion when all of a sudden this random guy passses on his phone saying: "yea... we just tore them to shreds" which ended up becoming our punch line for the tournament. Eventually I left, got into an argument with dad on the way home and then came home and had a complete breakdown. I am so thankful for a few friends who helped calm me down, reassure me, and just be there to listen. After Friday night, I wasn't really sure if this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I didn't know if this is where I wanted to be. I had and still have a lot to think about regarding the time between now and when I graduate from college.

Anyway, Saturday morning I had to be there by 7:15. Thankfully, because of my breakdown I was in a little bit of a better mood becuase I had gotten all of the crying out of my system. Things were kinda all over the place, one of the kids could tell something was still wrong yet another commented on how I'm always smiling. So I guess I can hide my emotions from most people, but some of the others know me way to well. So anyway, I was pretty emotionless for a little bit of the morning, still processing things from the day before. But once again the kids made it so much better. They had me laughing hysterically and for that I'm so grateful. By 11:00, I was in charge of keeping track of all 30 kids on the team, which you would think would stress me out but actually I was really relieved. Knowing that what I said would be inforced by me and the "ball wouldn't be dropped". I was truely in my element and it was in that moment that I knew this really was/is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I realized how much I loved the activity and how important it is to me. So as the day went on and breaks happened and I hung out with my "crazy friend", I was actually happy. It helped that one of the girls brought her camera and let me "play with it" for the day! I'm a bit obsessed with taking pictures. Once awards began I was so nervous, hoping that people would qualify and we would finish in the top 3 schools for the tournament. As the awards went on, I was really pleased with how things were turning out for the kids, but I was still skeptical about sweeps. I don't really remember the process of announcing sweeps... but I do remember one of the seniors that I was sitting next to, turning to me and saying "we did it". I was so so so so so excited and proud of the kids! We had truely done it, we had won sweeps at one of the most important regular season tournaments of the year for us. I am still smiling because of that and I am still quite proud of those "scrappy little fighters". They continue to give me hope! Afterwards we went out to eat and that was that! It was such a great moment for someone who I look up to, to tell me that she was proud of me and what I had accomplished. It was a moment that I won't soon forget.

So in conclusion, this weekend was completely draining for me. In fact I was so tired that I fell asleep reading a text message Saturday night! I did do a lot of thinking and contemplating and have decided that something has to change. So, I am going to go talk to someone tomorrow and then move on from there. Don't worry, I'm not leaving my job just yet, I love it to much and can't hurt the kids by leaving now. Also, without certain team members that I truely consider friends, I would not be as calm as I am right now. They are so amazing and its great to know that your team and your friends have your back no matter what. I truely love the team and my friends they are completely amazing.

Tomorrow I'll update on yesterday and today and tomorrow. Until then, love.

Another Semester Has Begun...

2009-01-14T19:06:00.000-08:00

So today was the beginning of yet another semester. I'm really nervous about Biochemistry, it'll definently be a class that keeps me on my toes and forces me to pay attention. The craziness of having a foreign professor and mixing biology (which I hate) and chemistry (which I love)scares me. I'm up for the challenge though. I'm confident that he knows what he is teaching and will make sure we know what we're doing before he moves on. Another thing that gives me hope is that he writes everything he says down, so when I can't understand him I am able to look to the board for guidence. I'm not too sure what to think about my Assessment class, the professor will defininently keep me awake! He is constantly moving and so flippin entergetic. I'm actually looking forward to that class. The other class I had today was Classroom Management, my first of two night classes. I don't have to physically go to that class again until March, which is kinda exciting. I'll have a lot of online work and assignments that will have to be dropped off at school, but I'm kinda excited! I have another night class tomorrow night (Diversity) and then an Analytical Chemistry lab on Tuesday afternoons. I'm nervous about the workload but I don't think it's anything I can't handle. I'm taking the day "off" tomorrow but I know I'll end up working on speech stuff. I just need a bit of a break. I was with them last Monday Wednesday & Friday, everyday so far this week, and then I'll be spending the weekend with them at the tournament. I just need a day to chill and regroup. This has been an emotionally and physically draining week for me, I just need a "sanity day" especially with school starting. Maybe I'll be able to get a jumpstart on my school work or not, who cares. I'm trying to be go with the flow but its so hard for me. We shall see... so here's to a new semester!

This is so for me...

2009-01-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

This week has been one of revilation for me. I discovered and experienced so many things, it was pretty amazing. Last post was about work and this one will probably end up dealing with that for the most part as well. Thursday, I took the day to myself to relax and prepare for my certification exam that I had on Saturday. In the process of becoming really overwhelmed by studying and the test itself, I didn't really have a chance to post until now. The test was ridiculously hard and I am so not looking forward to getting my scores in the next 4-7 weeks.

Anyway, onto other things. Friday, I had the opportunity to substitute all day as a public speaking/speech teacher. It was so much fun and reitterated that this was really what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. We laughed and cut up but at the same time did it in a manor appropriate for the classroom and got work done. It almost felt like a sneakpeek into my future, except for the fact that I didn't really teach. In all but one of my classes, we watched a movie that I have now seen 7ish times but never seen the ending. If that wasn't enough to solidify my career decision, the rest of the weekend did. Part of my team went to New Orleans for a tournament this weekend and I stayed here for my certification test. Knowing that the team was competing and not knowing what was going on killed me. I missed not being able to look at ballots and give them things to work on, I missed hearing how their rounds went, I missed laughing inbetween rounds, and most of all I missed not being able to congratulate them when they posted breaks. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life and I can't wait until I graduate (in a year and a half) and can do this full time!

Its About Time...

2009-01-07T19:15:00.000-08:00

So after six years of being involved with work, my mom finally said... "wow, it really is stressful I never realized how much work was involved". That completely made my day. She finally had an insight into why I'm always exausted and stressed out due to it. All it took was a few days of me being locked in my room constantly working on crap. My job is not one that I can leave "at the office" when I walk out of the building. There's a lot more to it... work involves being a support (both inside and outside of competition), it involves answering calls/texts/emails, its constantly reading and cutting pieces, its so much more than a job. Over the past six years, it has become my life - my second family, the people I feel most comfortable around, the people that can make me laugh until I cry. I love the people that I have met through it and they have given me more than I could ever imagine. Lately,though, work has become a huge fustration. I was talking to a friend last night about my fustrations and worries. It was so good to have someone that just listened and left me with lots of encouragement. Today was a rough one for me, I had trouble with some things that happened but always seem to be reencouraged by my amazing kids. Example... one of the kids told me today about the first time we talked. Its so good to know that you've made a difference (no matter how big or small) in someone's life... especially on days like today. So many times its things like that, that remind me why I do what I do. I love laughing with them, no matter whats going on or how pissed I am, they can make me laugh uncontrollably. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do what I do, even though a lot of times I leave dicouaged or get really down on myself becuase of parts of it. I love my job and can't wait to be doing it full time!

What a mess...

2009-01-04T20:31:00.000-08:00

So yesterday... I had to be at work for a practice day at 10. At first it was only going to be a few kids going but more showed up, which is a good thing at least they want to practice. So anyway... I woke up a little late and had to rush to get ready and get there on time. I ran around like a crazy person from the second I got there until I left at 3:30ish. Although, I had my times were I was super fustrated because of things I won't get into because I don't want to get myself worked up again... it was a great day. It reminded me of why I want to do this for the rest of my life. I love what I do so so so so so much and I had lost that love of it for awhile. It means the world to me and is so much of who I am. We laughed, a lot yesterday... it was awesome. I don't even remember why we were laughing most of the time but it was funny! When I got home last night, my back and stomach hurt from laughing so much! I totally love those kids! I missed being able to coach and still have fun and cut up while doing it! Then last night/super early this morning... I was having a conversation with a friend which led to me coming to terms with a lot and having a renewed outlook on work. I know that things are different (I'm still having trouble accepting that at times) but that doesn't mean that I can't still put my all into what I do. I've been working on doing things they way they used to be, because that's what I'm used to... but tomorrow afternoon when I go in, it will be all about helping the kids to succeed. Even though things aren't the way I wish they would be, that doesn't mean that I can't help them to have the same experience that I had when I competed. I can still teach them while working with them one on one. I can still encourage them to be the best they can be and such. Those are things I should have been doing from the begining, but there's no way to change what's happened... I've learned a lot that I wouldn't have otherwise (and am still learning) and its made me grow into who I've become.

Today wasn't a good day... I was pissy all day. It started off with a jawache this morning that led to a migraine. When I don't feel good, I'm in a horrible mood! So anyway, because I couldn't get stuff done for work (my head hurt so bad that I couldn't even focus at a piece of paper)... I went shopping! We went to Dillards for shoes, but I didn't find anything... :(! I'll probably just order some off the internet. So while I was there I decided to look for a dress, I am in desperate need for one for Kirks wedding next month and my brother's confirmation (since I'm his sponsor). Anyway... I wasn't really sure what I wanted so I tried on like 50 dresses! It was fun, even though I didn't find anything I liked enough to buy. I may go dress shopping again later this week, we'll see. So anyway... after that we went get groceries and yea I got V8 juice spilt all over my jeans and shoes. Ick! Speaking of my jeans... I never put them in the dryer, CRAP! Anyway, my migraine just went away, thank goodness! I guess that means I'll have to sleep with my retainer tonight, ick! But I'm exhausted, I went to bed at 2:30 and woke up at 8:30... not enough sleep for me at all! I'm off to bed, I have to work tomorrow afternoon and then I need to start studying for my certification exam on Saturday! Until next time love.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

I know, it's almost two full days into 2009 and I am just posting my first post of the new year! I hope and pray that these past days are a predictor of what is to come! These two days have been completely amazing! I am laughing more than I have in years, actually New Years Day I fell on the floor I was laughing so hard. So far this change has been amazing and I look forward to caring this with me all year long. Of course these couple of days have had a little fustration and aggravation in them but I refuse to let it get to me. For example something happened today, and although I had to repeatedly tell myself not to let it bother me, I didn't. There are so many things in this world that fustrate me and stress me out, I can't afford to let them affect me. I think that is what was bugging me before, I let every little thing get to me. I got quite a bit done today, suprisingly although it was all stuff for work. Although work is nothing like it used to be, the kids are still the same amazing kids that they used to be. A lot of times I get so fustrated becuase it isn't how it used to be, but you know this change may only be temporary but even if it isn't there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it right now - so why worry and stress myself out? Yesterday was amazing, I had so much fun! Hit golfballs into the field with a baseball bat (baseball style), I hit it really far too - suprised myself! We threw fireworks in a little bucket of water and laughed hysetrically as the firework popped, the pail jumped, water flew and so did the pail. It was great fun and its all on video! Well, I think I'm done for today. I'm off to bed, until next time love!

My Year In Review...

2008-12-31T18:05:00.001-08:00

This year has definitely been a year of ups and downs, highs and lows. There have definitely been a lot more downs and lows than ups and highs. Travel with me through my year...

January: I don't really remember much of January. Things seemed normal, my grandpa had his knee replacement surgery and seemed to be doing well. I was still recovering from my surgery in December. Things seemed okay. I was working two days a week, going to school two days a week, and taking Fridays off to chill unless it was a tournament weekend, although it didn't guarantee that I was actually at the tournaments.

February: Pretty much the same as January, stressing about school. Still balancing work and school. Work wasn't bad at all: hanging out, laughing, filling out entries, starting to get things organized for the change. Just happy times. Being able to constantly cut up and enjoy the company of the team.

March: My grandpa started swelling in his stomach, legs and feet. It was in and out of doctor's offices and tests being run here and there. Work was still work and school was still school. Life seemed normal minus a few doctor’s appointments here and there.

April: The month my whole life changed, part two. This is the month life changed forever. The morning of April 1, my grandma called that there was something wrong with my grandpa. Of course we immediately ran over and called the paramedics. It turned out that his sugar was really low, but the paramedics didn't like the look of the fluid in his belly so they suggested that they take him to the ER by ambulance. After spending the day in the emergency room with test after test being run, they admitted him. A day or so passed and he was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer of the liver and lung that couldn't be treated. IT was only a matter of time. By this time it was Friday (our 4th day in the hospital), it was the weekend of state but I was spending the day with my grandparents in the hospital before heading to Alexandria for the tournament. I walked into the room to find my grandpa asleep and my grandma in the chair crying. She proceeded to tell me that the cancer doctor had just come in and told her that they were calling in hospice because it was only a matter of time and that my grandpa didn't know. It was a shock, that day was a pretty hard day. After the exhaustion of the day, I got to Alexandria and went straight to the hotel, I couldn't muster up the strength to go to the tournament. I called my boss and she let me know that they were having a surprise party for one of the kids in the hotel that night, so I stopped by. Most of the kids didn't know I was even making the trip so it was really good to see and surprise them. I couldn't let them see how my heart was breaking inside. It was a really good getaway to "forget" everything that was going on at home. It was a successful weekend and the kids had a good time. As the month went on, I was still going to school twice a week, cut down work to once a week, and lived at my grandmas two days a week to help her with taking care of my grandpa. Things just kinda progressively got worse. Pretty close to the end of the month, another door slammed in my face. Mrs. B. was killed in a car accident. I think what hurt the most was that it was a huge shock, completely unexpected. I went into work the Monday after, something was different about the school, the kids just everything. That morning they had a memorial service and the day was just kind of a blur. After school let out, my boss and I worked on the eulogy that she would deliver at the funeral the next day. She dictated and I typed. Once we had finished we went to the funeral home to make sure everything was in order. I have never seen so many people, that’s how you know how truly amazing she was.

May: The month my whole life changed, part two. The beginning of the month I went to a crawfish boil at a friend’s house. That night, I was gunna be home by myself. My parents were at a convention in New Orleans and my brother was staying somewhere else. My mom called and said things with my grandpa had taken a turn for the worst and they were coming back home. The following Monday, May 5, I had gone to work (like usual) and not an hour after I got there, my mom came with the news that my grandpa had passed away. Immediately after that, I had to keep myself busy in order to stay sane. I cooked meals to send to my grandma’s house, wrote the obituary, designed and order prayer cards, ordered flowers, printed pictures, made lists, designed the Memorial Mass programs, and created a memorial table for my PawPaw. You know, I kept myself busy. I was afraid that if I hadn’t kept myself busy that I was going to have a complete breakdown. The six days in-between the day he died and the Memorial Mass were hell. I had school plus everything that was happening on my mind. My grandpa wanted to donate his body to science, so there was no funeral home… just a Mass to honor him. In a way that was best, I couldn’t have sat in a funeral home with people constantly coming in and out. I don’t really remember the rest of the month things were chaotic, trying to finish school and process the loss of my grandpa. In that mix was also the packing of the office in the speech room.

June: I began working for an insurance company part-time for the summer break to keep myself occupied. It was fun at first, I didn’t really do much but file, answer phones, go through stuff on the computer databases, ya know the usual secretarial stuff. I had my birthday, wasn’t really feeling it what so ever. We went to Sugarland for a week just to get away from the chaos here. I think that’s about it. Idk. In between working, I was the one to go shopping with my grandma, go to the doctor with her, go every where with her. This had been since my grandpa died, she didn’t want to go anywhere herself. It got frustrating after awhile because as much as I wanted to be there helping her, it reminded me so much of my grandpa and made me miss him even more. That on top of everything else left me crushed with no time to process anything that was happening.

July: The beginning of the month (the 3rd maybe?) we rushed my grandma to the hospital via ambulance because she was having trouble breathing. Five days and two stints later they finally released her, but she decided it was better for her to stay at our house instead of going back home alone. Got pissed at my aunt for deciding that it was more important to go to Texas with her friend then to come to the hospital to take care of my grandma. Now, my house is a three bedroom with an extra person in the house that leaves someone on the sofa. I was kicked out of my room and forced to stay on the sofa. If you know me at all, I spend most of my time in my room, it’s the only place I have to myself, my quiet place. Oh, you should probably keep in mind that my grandma goes to bed at 3 a.m. and wakes up at 7 a.m. thus leaving me to run on her time clock as well. I was completely exhausted, emotionally and physically. I think this is the month that my dad lost his job as well, another issue to deal with…

August: I finished working at the insurance agency, that couldn’t have come at a better time! My grandma moved back to her house, thank goodness. It was good to have her at the house, it was just too much togetherness. Once school was back in session, I was back working with the team. Just in a different capacity than I had in the past. At this point, I was still unsure of what exactly that capacity would be, but I soon learned it. It was still the early transition stages of changing coaching staffs and such. It was stressful, but then again it wasn’t because I kinda stayed away from the team for awhile. I started class again, a semester which I thought was going to be the semester from hell luckily it wasn’t too bad. At this point I was working one day a week and leaving at 3, school two days a week, Maw Maw’s once a week, and then Friday’s to myself. Dad was now home constantly since he chose to work from home selling insurance. Huge change for me who doesn’t get along with him most of the time. Towards the end of the month, we were preparing for a hurricane headed our way.

September: This was a crazy month. Two hurricanes pretty much back to back, luckily they weren’t too too bad. The first one, Gustav, was the worst. My grandparents left town and my grandma came to stay with us. We lost power for twoish days and I was left without a room until she went back to her house. Ike came after that and wasn’t too bad. My nightmare from Ike was waking up to someone beating down the front door and ringing the doorbell constantly. It was quite creepy. Of course I’m to scared to open the door, much less go in the living room so I woke up my brother who in turn darted across the house and woke up my dad to let him answer it. Turns out some stupid people decided that they were going to drive around in the middle of a damn hurricane. Lost control of their car, it flipped and landed upside down in our electricity pole. It was the two people that were in the car that were banging on our door. The pole was split and almost falling. The rest of the night we had two cop cars in the driveway incase it fell into the road. The end of the month was spent preparing for the upcoming tournament at work and catching up on schoolwork.

October: It was this month in which I realized exactly how stressful work was going to be this year. I went from working 8 hours once a week to about 11 hours twice a week on top of school and helping out my grandma. While at school, instead of thinking about school, I was thinking about work and what I had forgotten to do. Besides preparing for tournaments, we had our own tournament to host, a retreat to plan, and a fundraiser to organize. The week we hosted our tournament was super crazy. We had one thing after another on top of a huge list of schools coming and too many people who didn’t know what they were doing. I was stressed to the max. It was then that I knew exactly how this year at work would be. It was frustrating to me because I was so used to the old way and now there is someone new with a whole new mindset on how things are supposed to go. It was tiring, stressful and long and sleepless week. Thank God that only comes around once a year. After that was over, I was able to take a deep breath but didn’t have the time to relax. Between our fundraiser and retreat and preparing for the first major tournament of the season I somehow lost myself. I was drawn into drama that has since plagued the rest of the season for me. I really really contemplated quitting something that I’ve been doing for three years.

November: It was tournament time! All my time outside of school was devoted to preparing kids for the tournament and getting things in order. I started subbing at school as well just to get classroom discipline experience, before I actually start teaching. It was definitely scary to be in charge of teenagers, some of whom are friends of my brother and some of whom I went to high school with. We were in tournament season which kept me busy, hearing kids and such. I was stressed beyond what I thought I could handle and in the midst of traveling with the team. First was the tournament in New Orleans where I was in charge of the group that left after school. Then it was to Chicago, where I had an amazing time with the three kids we took up there. Right after I got back from Chicago, it was thanksgiving. Crazy is the only thing that describes that. Before everyone got here, it was a huge fight at my house over I don’t even know what. Then it was smiley faces for everyone as they arrived until they left. After that I was in my room for the rest of the day, not talking to anyone.

December: Started off the month with another issue at work that left three (if not more) people not talking me. I hate when things like that happen, it makes me not only more self-conscious and paranoid but it hurts. To not have three people speak to you, much less look at you for a few days, it sucked big time. Eventually I decided that it was best to talk to each of them to fix it. At this point I had determined that I had to fix myself. There were things that I needed to do in order to step up to the plate and be a coach rather than their friend. Over the course of three-ish days I had really good conversations with the three of them plus a few others and I definitely knew what I needed to work on. That was definitely a turning point for me. Who had I become and why was I not at all happy with things that were happening? I had a heart-to-heart with some of my closest friends and they could tell that I wasn’t happy with the way things were. I used to be able to be myself at work and that had all changed. I wanted so badly to change yet didn’t know how exactly to go about it. Once I finished school (with a 4.0 I might add), I knew it was time to fix things.

So here I am… ending the year, still as a work in progress but a little happier and more confident than I was. I’m still working through the depression and trying to process all that has happened in the past year, but I know that God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I am working through the craziness and stress and frustration that my life brings. So, my 2009 New Year’s Resolution is to take each day as it comes, to wake up in the morning with a positive attitude, keep blogging (because it helps me not to keep everything inside), to grow up, to truly smile and laugh as much as possible, to talk to someone when things are tough, to take everything with a grain of salt, to realize how great the people in my life really are, to love unconditionally, to be happy with me, to care less about what other people think, to balance my work, to not sweat the small stuff, to go with the flow, and to not be afraid to be me. By doing all these things, I know that I will be a better, happier person which is what I strive to be in 2009. I ask you to support me in these things because I truly want this to be an amazing year! I am excited for what the future holds and hope you are too! Have an amazing 2009! Here’s to a new year and a new me!

Sweet Memories...

2008-12-30T21:04:00.000-08:00

As I was cleaning my room tonight, in preperation for a new year and new begining... I came across some stuff that brought back a flood of memories and emotions. In going through piles of paper on my desk, on the floor around my desk, well everywhere actually... I found things and notes that I didn't even know existed. I found notes from my senior year in high school that of course made me cry because I miss those days a lot. I found my agenda and yearbook from freshman year at UA. Wow... how I miss who I was then! I think thats the last time I was truly myself with everyone. Sure since then I've been myself, but only around certain groups of people. I'm so afraid of rejection (I guess is the term) that I only feel comfortable around people that I know will accept me for me, i.e. my speech family and close friends. With everyone else I'm really really quiet and insecure. I miss my UA days and actually I want to get the sense of self and happiness that I had then back. For that reason, I am looking forward to this new year. I have many many hopes to not be afraid to be myself, to have more fun, to love unconditionally, and to laugh as much as possible. In cleaning, I also found a letter that a friend whom I've since lost touch with wrote me. She somehow captured everything that I used to be and long for in that letter. It definently reminded me that I can do it, even though it may take time and a lot of energy it will be worth it in the end. I know that no matter how much I want to be the person that I was when I was at UA, I won't be exactly the same. Of course I won't, that was almost seven years ago. My life has been impacted by so many amazing people, experiences, difficulties, and joys. I have matured and learned a heck of a lot since then! I am hoping that I can put the past behind me, and move on. Another thing I found while cleaning that hit me pretty hard was a poem written for me by a friend. I'm not even sure if this person remembers it, since its been years but I sure do. Everytime I read it, I cry happy tears because I know how much that person has had an impact on my life and I'd be truely lost without them. I also found a whole bunch of pictures... pictures from middle school and high school. It was so scary to see those pictures, yet each of them told a story and brought me back to the moment they were taken. I think that's why I love taking pictures so much... they are truly worth a thousand words! It's so strange to think that there is only a little over one day left in 2008. Where has the time gone? I'm ready for a new begining, one that will be positive and encouraging.

Onto the happenings of today: I really didn't do to much. I finished cutting that darn book, although I'm still not happy with the cutting. Oh well! I started reading another book to cut for a duet, hopefully I'll finish cutting it before the end of next week. I'm hoping to get a lot done tomorrow, but who knows. I've kinda been "go with the flow" lately, which is kind of exciting because before this break, I was so "everything has to be on a schedule and if you screw it up, I can't function". I am proud to say that I'm trying to break that habit in certain situations. There are other situations when I have to have a schedule with a bit of structure (i.e. work). I am trying to be more flexible and accepting of change though. We shall see!

I'll post the "Year In Review" post tomorrow with my thoughts on the past year and hopes for the year to come! Until then love.

Change is coming...

2008-12-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

I was going through some old old stuff and found one of my old poetry programs on identity and not being afraid of who you are. It was so ironic, being that identity is my current personal struggle. While reading through it, I found this poem:

I keep my paintbrush with me, wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up, so the real me doesn’t show. I’m so afraid to show you me; afraid of what you’ll do, I’m afraid you’ll laugh or say mean things; afraid I might lose you. I’d like to remove all the layers, to show you the real, true
me, but I want you to try to understand; I need you to like
what you see. So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes, I’ll remove the coats real slow, please understand how much it hurts, to let the real me show.

I think this is one of my main struggles, the fear of not being accepted for who I am. I know for certain that my closest friends will always be there for me and I for them, no matter how much we change. But its the others that I'm not sure about. It was really reassuring to talk to a friend today, we hadn't really spoken in awhile and I was afraid I had done something wrong. It was comforting to talk to him today and to have his support in the change that is to come. I think he kinda knows what I'm going through. I talked to another close friend tonight who I hadn't really had a deep conversation with in the past few months. I'm so blessed to have her in my life and didn't realize how much I truely missed our conversations and missed seeing her in general! Today was so encouraging to me. I know I have the support of my friends though this journey that I know will be a long and hard one. My heart has never been this broken before and it scares me to take this inward journey to repair it. I have been so worried about pleasing others and looking okay on the outside that I've been neglecting myself. It hurts to know that I can't put my whole self into everything that I do because I'm not being real to myself. I'm so blessed to have the friends that I do, they are always there to lend an ear and always have the perfect thing to say. I hope that I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me. I've been so exhausted lately - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I think I'm finally ready to be me, even though I'm not quite sure what all that intails. There is a big part of me missing. My life is in pieces and I have to work on slowly picking them up, dusting them off, and putting them back together. This past year has been really hard for me and I know its been hard for others as well. I'm so ready for things to be normal again, where I don't have to constantly concentrate on not crying or putting a fake smile on my face. So, change is coming. I know that it will be a positive change, one that hopefully includes confidence and hope, joy and laughter, friendships and love, smiles and hugs. I know that this change will not make things perfect, because there is no such thing as perfect. I know that there will still be tears and sorrow but I just don't want it to be in control of my life anymore. I truely am blessed to have friends that can make me laugh no matter how much pain I'm in. I love you all to death! Until tomorrow.

Wipe the pissy look off your face and put a smile on...

2008-12-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

We've all heard that at least once in our lifetimes, but what happens when the fake smiles can no longer mask the hurt that's inside? What happens when you've lost yourself in the midst of trying to please others? What happens when you start becoming what you've told yourself you'd never be? These are the kinds of things that have been going through my head lately. I'm tired of pretending everythings okay. I'm tired of being broken inside. I'm tired of smiling when I'm falling apart inside. I'm tired of hearing that I'll never be good enough or that you feel sorry for whoever I marry. I think that I am fully capable of becoming an amazing wife and mother. It's what I've wanted for so long and I'm not giving up because you don't think I'm good enough. I am a firm believer that there is someone out there just for me, my soulmate. I'm just tired of being patient and ready for him to show up. I'm ready for a positive change, I'm ready to have someone there for me as a constant support, I'm ready to love someone with everything I have and to recieve the same in return. Anyway, since I'm not in control of that situation at the moment I'll move on to something else. I've done a lot of thinking in the past few days. Thinking about the past, present, future, work, life, family, friends, faith, etc. Its something thats needed to happen and without it happening I can't take the necessary steps to becoming happy again. I'm devoting this week to me time in preperation for the new year. I have huge hopes and dreams for this coming year and have to prepare myself for them mentally and emotionally. I'm not really going to get into that until my "year in review" post later this week. I'm hoping this works because I don't like what I'm becoming.

Anyway, I slept till 10:00 this morning! Thats almost a miracle! That doesn't happen very often at all and it felt amazing! I've been staying up later than normal lately but still waking up between 7:30 & 8 so it felt great to sleep a little later! It just doesn't feel as if I'm caught up on my sleep yet. It also doesn't seem like Christmas time to me. It seems like Christmas was awhile back, until I walked into Church tonight and there were trees and pointsettias all over Church. For some reason things were different tonight, Church has become my sense of peace in a chaotic and fustrating world. Tonight I ran into an old friend, it was so good to see her! It is so often that I forget how amazing some of the people that I used to be really close to are! I'm ready to start new, and I know that I can't fix some of the friendships that I've neglected in the past but that doesn't stop me from establishing new and amazing friendships.

O well, that's all I have for tonight I'm pretty tired! Until tomorrow, love.

Merry Christmas... a day late

2008-12-26T21:26:00.001-08:00

So yesterday was amazing, thus is why I didn't post! Everyone was coming over for lunch yesterday, so when I woke up at 9ish it was time to get to work. I was in charge of the bread and the macaroni and cheese. The macaroni and cheese is a new thing for me, I inherited the task for thanksgiving and I suppose that'll be "my dish" from now on. The recipe that we use is a cousin's interpreatation of my grandma's aunt's recipe. Since it's Nannie Bea's recipe each time I make it, I tweak it. Apparently yesterday's was pretty close to the original that we grew up with. Anyway, it was supposed to be our family, my grandparents, and my aunt and uncle so we had all kinds of stuff planned and ready to go. This was the menu: turkey, pork loin, ham, green beans, macaroni, yams, cornbread dressing, and bread. My aunt and uncle decided Christmas Eve that they weren't coming in so it was just the 7 of us. We have so much food left over! After everyone ate, took leftovers and went home, we unwrapped presents at the house. I was totally shocked, mom knows me so well! She bought me a beautiful silver and pearl birthstone ring - I had no idea! We laughed and laughed. It was great, it kinda felt like we were a normal family for once. After presents, bubba and dad went outside to set up the weight bench and mom and I watched the begining of sisterhood of the traveling pants. Eventually we went to my grandma's to open presents. Hahahaha, that was funny. So we're sitting, talking, laughing, and such. Bubba handed out presents and so we start the rotation. My gramma likes to clean with gloves.. i don't know the whole story but anyway we bought her these elbow length black rubber gloves with black and white polka dot cuffs. They are so funny, but she loves them! My grandpa's funny gift was his meat mallet. He has this old old old old one that I used to play with growing up. Needless to say it no longer has a handle, so now when he needs one he'll call to see if we have one (to which the answer is always no) and then he hooks a vice grip to the end of the thingy and pounds whatever he needs to, so it was definently time for a new one. Anyway... it was a fun night that lasted well into this morning with conversations with some amazing people!

Today, I slept till 10, cleaned house, redesigned my cross collection on my wall (I'm up to 10 now), cooked dinner, cleaned some more, painted, and sang really really really loud! Hahaha, that was all I did... nothing productive. I lie I read a few cuttings and rearranged some things for work.

Tomorrow, I have no idea whats going on... possibly shopping? who knows!

Until then, love!

Interesting...

2008-12-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

I took this personality test thingy and I'm a tie between:

Type 2: The Helper - Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.
Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved. Basic Desire: To feel loved.

Type 6: The Loyalist - The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.
Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance. Basic Desire: To have security and support.

The scary part is that it's actually true! I think I'm an equal combination of the two... do you?

Another crappy holiday...

2008-12-24T17:37:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas Eve... today was absolutely amazing until an hour and a half ago. We had Christmas at my grandmas with my cousins and then when to Mass. And then everything kinda blew up, which once again its my fault. Now I'm locked in my room for the night, bawling my eyes out. I feel like I'm the odd one out in my house. My mom and I get along pretty well, my brother and I get along sometimes, and my dad and I don't get along at all. It hurts bad not to get along with him. I really don't feel like he loves me since pawpaw died. When pawpaw was sick and I was spending two days at week at their house he and I got along just fine. Sometimes I wish that pawpaw wouldn't have died because thats when he loved me, or at least it felt like he did. Now he can't stand me becasue I'm close to mom and that takes away from his time with her. He's told me this numerous times... so what am I not supposed to talk to my mom? I mean shit grow up what the f**k do you think having kids will do? Like really? Is it wrong that I talk to my mom? Am I only supposed to talk to my brother? Well who am I supossed to vent to? I guess I just shouldn't talk to anyone at home. Apparently I'm the b**** in my house, which I mean I can be at times but I really don't think I am most of the time. I guess thats where the problem lies, I don't see what I do wrong and how am I supposed to improve when you don't take the time to help me to see it nonconfrontationally. If you confront me and yell at me, yea I'll get pissed and probably react with an attitude. If you talk to me about it and be nonconfrontational about it, I'll try to work on it. My self-esteem/self-confidence isn't that great so I take a lot really personally. When you constantly embarass me in front of people, not only my family but people I consider friends, strangers, and people I have to see again - I will get pissed. I don't appreciate you making fun of me... its a completely different story when I'm ok with what your talking about. I embrace my stupidity most of the time, but there are somethings that happen that I don't want to leave where it happened. This is mostly true when the thing that happens upsets me in the first place. Normally if you say something that I feel is making fun of me, I will let you know after the fact that I didn't appreciate it. If you do it again, intentially after I told you it pissed me off I will be extremely pissed. This is something that I guess had a part in today. Another factor was that I'm pmsing. Most people know that when its that time of the month, leave me alone. I'm more self-contious than normal, more easily upset, known for crying for unknown reasons, more vulnerable, in pain, and really really really easily pissed. Just let me be and I'll be fine, or make me laugh and I'll be much better. I guess I'm just the problem, it is always my fault. I just wish that things would be normal...

I did not make it, it is making me...

2008-12-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

The past two days have been "chill" days. I really have not gotten anything accomplished other than catching up on sleep, relaxing, and a tad bit of cleaning in preperation for everyone coming over for Christmas dinner. I am so so so so thankful for the break! It has become a chance for me to rest, regroup, and actually take time for me which is amazing every once and awhile. Its been amazing to be home all day and actually be able to cook dinner and not be rushed about it! Last night we had some homemade black bean soup and tonight I made spaghetti with chicken meatballs and broccolli! It was soo good, if I do say so myself! My meatballs were simple - just ground chicken breast, an egg, breadcrumbs, and parmasean cheese! It was an experiment that will definently be a redo in my house! Last night, was girls night (dad and michael had a meeting) so we spent the night wrapping Christmas presents and laughing hysterically! It was so much fun. Tonight was just spent by myself singing along with the radio pretty loud. A lot of times music is the only thing that calms me and I often find myself using it as a form of prayer. Sometimes songs have the perfect words that I've been searching for. I so can't believe that its Christmas already! Time goes by so darn fast! I'm so excited to see my cousins tomorrow, I love them to death. Unfortunately, they'll only be in town for tomorrow so it'll be a short visit!

Christmas Eve Agenda: Getting some last minute cleaning and baking a cornbread in the morning. Unwrapping presents at MawMaws early tomorrow afternoon and then ending the planned activities with 4:00 Mass in the SCS Gym!

Have an amazing Christmas Eve! Until next time love.

Working on me...

2008-12-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been soley devoted to me working on me. There is so much going on in my life, that I need to devote some serious time to getting myself in order before I can mend broken friendships and move on to future ones. I started the thinking process Friday and it will continue for awhile. There are a lot of things that have happened that I regret, and I blame myself for all of them. I miss the way things used to be, when decisions were simple and friends were always there. Unfortunately since I started college, that has all changed. I am completely unhappy with who I'm becoming. I don't want to be a negative person and always pissed, upset, or depressed. I guess admitting that I'm not happy with me is the first step to changing it. There is no one besides myself that can change me and my attitude. Sometimes I wish there was someone who could change me, but I know thats not a possibility. I know that this is something I have to do, to attempt to fix things. I know that I have been blessed throughout my life a feel horrible for being so depressed and negative about things. I'm nervous about what the future holds. I hope that it has a lot of laughter, happiness, smiles, and a few tears here and there. I hope that the future is all that I dream of and more. I hope that I still stay in touch with my current friends then. I do have to say my friends are amazing, and hopefully they understand everything thats going on nvm I know they understand thats why they're my friends. Thanks for being so amazing and I love yall!

Good News!

2008-12-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

Well, dad's test this morning went pretty well. They didn't find any blockage in his heart which is amazing. This is the third time he's had this procedure done, and this is the third time they haven't found any blockage! Soo good news! The only thing he found was that his heart function was a little low, which he blamed on the Cajun Disease (overweight) and that he feels that it's reversable.

Other than dad's test, nothing really happened today. For some reason I'm not feeling all that great, don't know why though! We got to the hospital at 6ish this morning and left at 1ish. Once we finally got home, I ate some lunch. MawMaw sent some Chicken Cornbread Dressing, it was amazing! I am so not a huge beef eater, but I love cornbread dressing so discovering this new but apparently classic dish was amazing. After lunch, I took a 3 hour nap... the first one this week, it was great! I'm still exhausted though, so I think I'm going to bed a little early tonight! By the time I woke up it was like 5ish and I didn't feel like doing a thing, so I curled up on the couch and watched a movie and now I'm here typing this and listening to "Say Yes To The Dress" on TLC.

I'm really excited about seeing my team tomorrow! Its sad to say that it's been less than a week since I've seen them, but I miss them a lot! I've done a lot of thinking (and not thinking) about that stuff and I'm completely pumped about this coming semester! I think I just need these little breaks to realize how much I love what I do and that this IS the right place for me. I love my job and wouldn't trade it for the world, even though its super stressful!

Funny moment from last night's meeting: I was sitting at the table eating dinner with the parents, my grandma, and a few other KC's. My grandma asked my dad if he wanted her meat becuase she was tired of meat. We proceeded to talk about protein and maybe that's why her back has been hurting her, because she hasn't been getting enough protein. She immediately looked at me and said: "Well I did have protein today, I had potatoes for lunch". It was a priceless moment, we had a good laugh!

A quick update...

2008-12-18T19:16:00.000-08:00

Here's a quick version of how this week went. It was actually a pretty relaxing and stressfree week for me!

Tuesday and Wednesday were about the same for me. Mom was off of work so we ran errands and made Christmas candy for her coworkers! It has been YEARS since she and I had made candy and must admit that it was pretty amazing! We made: toffee, peanut butter cups, almond joys, mounds, peppermint patties, petit fours, chocolate covered cherries, and attempted to make caramel. The caramel was the only thing that didn't really work, I think its actually still in the fridge hardening as I type. It was so much fun and relaxing for me to be in the kitchen, idk for some reason cooking is theraputic for me. We finally finished everything at 7ish last night and probably would have done more if we would have had the time! It was so fun just to be able to relax and get messy in the kitchen! I'm so excited that everything came out as well as it did! It was quite yummy and I'll have to do it again really soon!

Today was my "chill day". My day to process everything that was going on, it was the perfect oportunity since I was home by myself almost all day! I'm a lot more relaxed and less edgy. I had come to hate who I was becoming becuase of the lack of sleep and emotional processing time (I was truely emotionally exausted). I needed today to recoup and regroup in preperation for what lies ahead. Tonight was an open KC meeting that the whole family went to with dad. It was a lot more emotional for me than I thought. Mr. Glen from LARC was there to present the counsel with an "Angel Award" for all their hard work and genorisity. He started talking about my grandpa, who loved LARC with all his heart and pushed for the KCs to constantly support them. He read a letter that he wrote to my gramma right after my grandpa's passing. I cried. I didn't want to cry but I did, a lot. I miss him, its soo odd for him not to be here with us.

Tomorrrow... dad is having an angeogram done at the heart hospital. This is like his third one in the past 6 years. I'm hoping that things go okay tomorrow, I'm so nervous!

Lately I've had this huge issue with falling asleep. Not trouble falling asleep, but falling asleep at the most random times. Its almost like when I'm tired I pass out from exaustion. For example, the other night I fell asleep while typing a blog, or talking on facebook, or texting, or watching tv (I normally fall asleep watching tv anyway, thats nothing new). But its strange. So tonight I'm typing my blog and chatting on facebook sitting up to be sure I don't fall asleep!

Anyway, I'm off to bed because we're leaving for the hospital at 6:00 a.m.! If you happen to be reading this, say a prayer! Thanks love!

Saturday/Sunday/Monday

2008-12-17T18:52:00.000-08:00

Saturday

So, Saturday was day 2 of the tournament... it went really well and I'm pretty pumped for future tournaments. After this weekend we have 60% of the team qualified for state in at least one event! Yey! The team placed first overall which was super exciting as well! We're finally coming back and I'm seeing the benefits of all the hard work. I had some really good conversations with a few people and am excited about what the future holds. The tournament was completely random overall. I helped change a flat tire in the parking lot of the host school, it took the three of us over an hour to put on the spare. Lol. Then as usual, the kids know how to make things better... I seriously sat outside with them and laughed for what seemed like hours. After awards, we always end with dinner somewhere. We had reservations at Johnny Corinos where they shoved the 50 or so of us into two seperate rooms. I ended up being in the room with the majority of the team and had a blast. I am so proud of my team, the stress and nervousness was so worth it! It was so fun though, we definently have memories to last awhile. After dinner I went home, grabbed my bags and went to my grandmas for the night. I got there at like 9-9:30ish and things were crazy! My cousins, one whos 26 and her daughter whos 4 and her nephew who is 7 were there along with my brother, grandma, and aunt. They were at the table wrapping presents for the Christmas party and the kids were in the back playing. I had a lot to do, but before any of that happened we had to catch up! So eventually, all the presents got wrapped, name bracelets got made, and packages double checked. By the time things settled down it was almost 3 a.m. Before getting ready for bed, I went check on my cousin (the 7 year old) who was supposed to be playing his playstation. He had fallen asleep in the bed I was going to sleep in, so I ended up on the floor. It is so hard for me to sleep on the floor, but I think I ended up getting 3ish hours of sleep.

Sunday

Sunday was party day! We have the party every year (and have ever since I can remember) for the elementary special ed kids in our parish. After waking up at like 6ish, I started getting ready and left around 8 to go set up. I was so thankful that some of the guys went early and set up all the tables and chairs! One less thing I had to do! I set up the Christmas tree, unloaded presents, kept an eye on my cousin, and sliced my thumb open on a broken ornament all pretty soon after I got there. I think what helped me was that I was so busy, that I didn't have time to process everything that was going on. We had a total of 56 kids, a lot less than in the past probably due to inclusion and fewer students in the fully restrictive special ed classroom. Of course, I had my favorite kids who were completely adorable and so thankful. I'm almost glad that it was smaller because it gave me time to breathe! After the party I went home, attempted to take a nap, went to Mass, came home and attempted to read ballots, and eventually passed out from exhaustion.

Monday

Monday was my workday for the week. Becuase it's midterm week at work, Monday and Tuesday were their only full days of school this week. I spent the morning working on lesson plans and getting organized in the library. Then that afternoon, I moved to the speech room to get things organized there. I finally had the time to go through and file all the ballots from this semesters tournaments and then reworked duo/duet teams which ended up completely stressing me out! I'm still in the process of figuring that stuff out in order to maximize workability and state qualifiers. I'm not really sure what to do, what pieces to give, and who to put with who. I know things will work out. Although I was a bit stressed at times, it was an overall good day! You know its a good day, when you laugh so hard you cry! My day was made better when I checked my semester grades to find out that I finished with a 4.0 GPA, thats right I have a 4.0! It's about damn time! Lol. I am so excited and I proved to myself that I can do it and that I am actually smart! By no means was this an easy semester! Hopefully, I can do this again before I graduate. 6 semesters down, 3 to go! I'm so ready to graduate and be able to teach and coach full time!

Friday...

2008-12-16T13:21:00.000-08:00

Ok so... I am finally having the chance to update for the first time in what seems like forever.

Friday: My day started at 6:30, I was hoping to sleep a lot later but had issues staying asleep probably due to nerves. After just laying in the quietness of my room, thinking about things, I got up at 9:00ish. After taking my shower and rushing to get ready, my grandma came and picked me up to go on shopping trip #2 for the special ed Christmas party. We had 25 more kids to shop for which ended up being 3 hours spent in Walmart. Keep in mind that it was 12:15 when I got in the truck to come home and I had to leave my house at 1:00 to head to work. I was rushed once I got home to eat lunch, get dressed, put makeup on, etc. Fortunately, I still got there a little early... I was a little stressed, but good! As usual on tournament weekends, I'm normally more stressed than the kids. I think the reason why I get so nervous is because I want them to perform to the best of their ability and not be disappointed in their events. I also want them to go in there prepared, which sometimes I'm not too sure if they are. I know most of that is stuff that I can't control, but it still makes me nervous. By the end of the night, my heart torn. I was so excited for my team after they posted breaks to semis but I was pissed beyond belief because of a conversation that I had with someone. I was so so so so so so so mad. It was hard to bite my tongue and not say anything to anyone about it. Ummm by the time I got home I had to find someone to vent to. Thank God for my amazing friends that let me vent no matter what time it is or how little sense what I'm saying makes. Eventually, after calming down, I was able to sleep and thankfully slept really well just to wake up and do it again in the morning.

Hanging in there...

2008-12-14T20:16:00.000-08:00

Bear with me... this weekend has been crazy! I slept on the floor last night which basically translates into no sleep for me! Its been a good weekend and I promise to post tomorrow after work so don't give up on me!

I'm Done!

2008-12-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

So... I was to preoccupied with drama and attempting to study for finals to post last night! But... now I'll be posting more often since I'm finished with school until January! Hopefully, having one less thing to worry about will allow me time to comprehend everything that has been going on lately. I just have to get through this weekend first!

I'm so ready for things to be "normal" again. I was talking to someone yesterday and made the comment about how "different" things were this year, she made the comment of how broad of a term that is. That is why today I've put both of those words in quotes, although they are no bigger than nine letters put together, they hold so much meaning and emotions. By "normal" I don't at all mean perfect. I mean sanity, calm-ness, laughter, uninterupted sleep, organization, hope, and love. I know that as much as I want things to be like they used to be I know they won't ever be, no matter how hard I try or how much I wish it weren't true.

In order to better explain the chaos, I'll break it down day by day.

Yesterday started out great... I cried, but for a completely different reason than I have been these past few weeks. I cried because I was laughing so hard. It had been forever since I laughed that hard, and sadly I don't remember what was so funny! It was an overall crazy day: distributing my time between speech and other things in the library. I ended up having a pretty productive day. Yesterday afternoon is when things got kinda crazy. I subbed and then supervised my first team meeting by myself at work. It was definently crazy and stressful and overwhelming, especially since it was on the spur of the moment. I had to yell a few times but they finally listened. I was quite a bit overwhelmed and flustered by the time I left work at 6ish. I was confident in my abilities for the first time in awhile which was amazing for me. I had another breakdown again last night because of work, but I actually told someone with more authority than me how I felt and how fustrated I was. I know that I can't do this forever, emotionally or physically. I talked to a few people last night and have a bit more positive outlook on the future. I know that I care a lot, sometimes too much for my own good because I tend to take a lot to heart and it tears me down. I have to work on that, on being there and supportive but not beating myself up about it. So eventually I got home and was supposed to start studying for this morning's final and finish the take-home part of that final. I really didn't start doing anything until like 8:30 last night and fell asleep by 10:30. I was supposed to wake up and study first thing, but that didn't happen.

Today started with my cell phone ringing at 5:30ish this morning. It ended up being one of the people I talked to last night, so I immediately thought something was wrong. Fortunately, I was wrong. They had called to tell me to go outside because it was snowing. At first I didn't believe them... but it was so true. Yes thats right, it snowed in Southern Louisiana today! So needless to say rather than studying for my final, I played in the snow! It snowed enough for my brother to make snowmen, a snow angel and countless snowballs. It was so much fun! Once I finally got to school to take my final, I only had like 15 minutes to study. I took my final and am not too sure how things went. All I know is that it only took me like 30-40 minutes to take it! At like 10ish this morning I headed off to work and ended up cleaning the classroom, rather than finish cutting my book. Now that school's done with, I have a stack of like 8ish books that I need to cut! I'm quite excited for actually attempting to get them done! So after I got to work, I decided to start cleaning the room which unfortunately you can't tell I've done anything! Today was a lot less emotional and didn't waste anytime.

Well, I'm exausted so I'm going to bed. Hopefully I can sleep pretty late tomorrow morning just to be able to relax and catch up on sleep. I have a tournament this weekend and then the Christmas party on Sunday. Until tomorrow...

The past two days...

2008-12-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure how things have gotten this bad. Two weeks ago, everything was fine. Now I'm a complete mess. Last night I had a complete breakdown and after today I think it needed to happen. There has been a lot going on lately and a lot of bottled up emotions. For some reason work brings up a lot of these emotions. In talking to a few friends last night, a lot came to the surface. There is a lot of stuff that I need to work on, professionally and personally. I am so grateful for having friends that are honest with me and help me to become a better person. Last night was hard for me - it was hard for me to let go and breakdown, it was hard for me to hear and accept, the truth, it was hard for me to admit some things, it was hard for me to be completely open, it was hard for me to put my heart on the line, and it was hard for me to admit that I'm scared to death of what is going to happen. I wish last night could have fixed everything, but I know it can't. I have so much to learn, so much to think about and so far to grow. In a way this is coming at the perfect time, at a time where I won't have class to worry about and where I can actually take the time to process things. I'm scared of what this thinking thing will bring about, but I know in the end I will be happy again. I truely miss being happy, being completely happy. I've spent so much time stuck in the middle and not being able to be myself. I'm ready to figure this crap out and be myself again. I know exactly what I have to do, its just to find the inner strength and courage to do it. For this to be successful, I need you to help me. I need you to help keep me in line. I need you to be completly honest with me, no matter how harsh it may be. I need you to understand how hard this is for me. I need you to tell me when I'm overstepping my boundaries at work, because I don't always notice. I need you to remind me that as much as I want to, I can't FIX everything. I need you to remind me to take a deep breath and that things will be okay. I need you to be my support, to be there to listen and to give me a hug when I'm having a rough day. By no means will the comming weeks be full of rainbows and sunshine, they will be full of tears and sadness. But this is what I need, I can't stay in the position I am for much longer. I am hopeful that it will be worth it in the end. I know in my heart things will work out.

On another note, I'm almost finished with the semester! My last final is Thursday at 8:00 a.m. and then I won't have any school stuff to worry about, besides the praxis, until January! I'm so ready for the break! My organic final yesterday was pretty darn crazy! Twelve pages and 26 questions, half of which I had nothing in my notes on. Ugh... thats so fustrating! But what's done is done there isn't anything I can do now to fix it. Grades probably won't come out until Monday night so I will be a nervous wreck until then. I know for sure that I have A's in 2 of my classes which I'm excited about!

I think that's all I have for today.... until tomorrow!

Overwhelmed...

2008-12-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

I can't find the strength to post about today yet. I'll post about today, tomorrow!

But I suppose I'll leave you with the funny moment of today. So there was this squirrel on campus today that decided he was going to steal someone's poptart. So I'm following this squirrel down the walk of honor (not on purpose)... and every few steps he drops the poptart (because obviously it's almost bigger than him) but picks it up again. Apparently I got too close to comfort for him, so he drops the poptart and hides behind the brick column like to attack me if I were to touch the darn thing. So as I pass he darts back to the brown sugar poptart and breaks it into three pieces. Before he picks up each piece he looks around to see if anything is watching, then quickly grabs the first one and runs up the tree. A few seconds later he grabs the second piece and burries it once he's certain there are no other creatures watching. He then quickly darts back to where he dropped it and grabs the final piece before darting up another tree. I guess he was saving it for later. Hahaha, maybe you had to be there and know the squirrels at school!

Until tomorrow...

Wow...

2008-12-07T18:43:00.000-08:00

Today was quite interesting... I woke up earlier than I wanted to (8:30ish) this morning. I organized and read through all the ballots from this weekend to get a picture of the big things that I need to work with the kids on this week in preperation for this weekend's tournament. After that, I had to clean house because we had people coming over this afternoon. Oh and I cooked some amazing rice and gravy, well I thought it was amazing at least. Lol. Umm.... yea so when my dad's boss got here for the meeting I locked myself in my room to study. Yea that didn't happen at all! I think I studied for maybe 30 minutes then fell asleep for a few hours. I needed a nap though, I feel a heck of a lot better since I slept. This afternoon was kinda emotional for a few reasons. First, the meeting at my house today was pretty exausting and stressful. The Special Ed Christmas Party is exactly a week from today but more about that later. M was upset today which didn't make things better, I kinda felt bad for being in a semi-good mood. I had two really good conversations with two amazing people today. One, I didn't really know that an hour could bring back so many memories and so many feelings. No doubt they were really good feelings about my high school days, it made me think about how I'm definently not that person anymore. I kinda long to be that person again, just with the maturity and knowledge that I have now. It seems like yesterday to me that I was that person, but in reality its been almost 3 years. Gosh how time flies. The second conversation I had today gave me a lot of excitement and energy for this week. She agrees with the fact that I have a lot to work on but made me feel good about what direction I'm in as well as suggestions to get through the week. I have some things that I need to talk to someone about which stemmed from conversations with parents this weekend, hopefully that goes smoothly tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the new week and hope that it's better than last. I also hope that finals go smoothly, even though I can't motivate myself to study. My goal is a 3.8 for the semester (ahh only 1 B allowed)! I would love a 4.0 but need to keep my goals feesable so I don't get too disappointed! I have two finals tomorrow, Organic Chemistry and Technology in the Classroom which really isn't a final, we have to go to class to watch the iMovies and podcasts that we made. After that I'm going into work and ending the day with Mass since its a Holy Day of Obligation. Speaking of Mass, I kinda zoned out today. I couldn't even attempt to explain the homily, which I kinda feel bad about. I remeber Fr. Keith opening it with a joke and then somehow he talked about veggies and connected it to the Gospel. Anyway, the Special Ed Christmas Party is this coming Sunday. I'm so nervous and need to spend the week preparing for it. The Christmas Party is something that my grandpa was on the founding committee for. Basically what it is, is the school board distributes flyers to all the Special Ed students in Lafayette Parish Elementary Schools. They then call my grandmas house to RSVP and the parents suggest a toy for Santa to bring the kids. We normally go to Walmart, buy toys and wrap them for Santa to deliver at the party. It started off really small and increased to about 170 kids last year. This year becuase of the popularity of full inclusion, at the moment we only have like 30. I would love if it stays this small just because it's a lot less stressful and I can spend more time with the kids. They are so cute and love attention! So yea, with this being the first year without my grandpa helping us out it'll be really hard. So this week besides studying for finals and working all week, I'll be preparing emotionally for Sunday's party. O well, I better go study my functional groups and IUPAC names for tomorrow morning! Until tomorrow...

Finally, A First Place!

2008-12-06T20:57:00.000-08:00

Warning: this is going to be a short post, I've been up since 5:30 a.m. and am incredibly exausted.

Anywho... The team had a tournament this weekend, so guess where I was today! It was totally fun though, especially tonight. It started off really awkward, though. There was a lot of tension from things that had happened earlier in the week and year. Ummm... so yea. At like two-ish the head coach had to leave, leaving me in charge which was totally nerve-racking! I had to make "big girl" decisions about some things that happened and yea, I'm pleased with the outcome. I do have to admit I have the absolute greatest team parents! They were so willing to do anything and everything as well as constantly support me (which I tend to need a lot of lately). I am so proud of the kids, they have been through a lot this year but still continue to perservere. I think we qualified kids for state in sevenish events this weekend and took home our first, 1st place sweeps trophy of the season! I hope the good work continues through next weekend! I had a few great talks with some amazing people. They made me realize a lot and I know that in the end it'll make me a better person and coach. I'm greatful for being able to talk to them, in a sense it lifted a burden off my shoulders so now hopefully I can sleep all night tonight! Anyway, I'm off to bed. I have a day of studying and getting organized ahead of me tomorrow!

Life as of now...

2008-12-05T18:43:00.001-08:00

On April 1 of this year, my life changed forever. After rushing my grandpa to the hospital and staying there all day, he was diagnosed with untreatable lung and liver cancer. My life, which the week before, had been devoted to school, speech, family, and friends - was now devoted strictly to family. I didn't care about anything anymore. I went from working on Mondays and Wednesdays and going to school 0n Tuesdays and Thursdays to going to school and spending all my time at my grandparents house caring for my grandpa. I was blessed to have Wednesdays to get away from the chaotic family stuff on Wednesday and spend my day working with the speech team. It turned into my only out. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing in the world for spending those two days a week with my grandpa for his last four weeks and four days. Since he's passed away, things have kinda been at a standstill. I have had so much more than I ever expected added to my plate. In addition to school, work and maintaining relationships with my family and friends - I've become what my grandma likes to refer to me as "her body guard". My grandma hardly ever goes anywhere outside of a three mile radius from her house by herself. I'm the one to go with her to the grocery, walmart, the doctor, the dmv, and anywhere else that she may need to go. That took so much to get used to, when before I was so used to doing things on my own. Once I felt like I kinda had control of my life again, we had to rush my grandma to the hospital to get two stints put in her heart. After that week long hospital stay, she moved in with us for a little over a month. When she moved back to her house and I was able to move back into my room, it was pretty close to school starting. I knew that this year would be different at work becuase of a major coaching staff change, but I didn't realize how different it was going to be. I went from working one day a week from 7:30-4:30 to working from 2:00-5:00 on Mondays and 7:15-5:15 on Wednesdays when I'm lucky, a lot of times its later than that before I leave. I have never contemplated quitting a job as much as I have in these past few months, but in my heart I know I never could. The team as given me so much in the six years that I have been involved with it that I could never imagine my life without it. I love it so much, that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I hope that I can give back to the team as much as it has given to me. This week, my uncle (who is paralyzed from the shoulders down) was put in the hospital and we still have no idea whats going on. It's really hard for me to talk about what and how I feel, so instead I hold it in and probably seem really distant. So in the end, I apologize for all the relationships I've neglected in the past few months and am hoping that blogging will help me from keeping everything bottled up and at the same time give yall an insite into what I'm going through. Without yall, I have no idea where I would be. I cherish each of my friendships and hope that you can bear with me as I try and pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together again.

Hi...

2008-12-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

So this is my first official entry in yet another blog. I'm hoping that I'll actually keep up with updating this one!

A few things you should know about me before I begin.

I am a very sensitive person, I take everything way to personally.
I work and I have "worked" at the same place for the past three years but currently am not getting paid for it.
My job means the world to me and hopefully that will never change.
I'm a full time student, hopefully I'll begin teaching in a year and a half.
I have an amazing family, but I don't get along with them all the time.
I get down on myself really easily.
I am really quiet at first, but once I get to know you I never shut up.

I think that's about it for now, until next time!